‘Shut The F*ck Up, I’m Commuting’: This Is The Best Craigslist Ad For A 2001 Honda Civic You Will Ever Fucking Read

by 3 years ago
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Craigslist


There are only 3 reasons for anyone to be browsing Craigslist:

1. Looking for cheap sex
2. Actively trying to get murdered in the “Missed Connections” section
3. Trying to find cheap shit for sale

As I’m sure you’ve already guessed, this ad for a 2001 Honda Civic falls into the third category. But who wants a car that’s 14 years old? The thing’s probably on its last legs, and by “last legs” I mean “The minute you buy the damn thing it’ll probably explode.” Telling potential buyers about their impending death isn’t exactly the best way to sell a car though, so instead this guy from Echo Park, Los Angeles decided to soup of a couple of photos and write the most exciting ad you could ever think of…for a Honda Civic, of course.

BACK UP

Are you ready to get to WORK? Then drive the car that says, “Shut the f*ck up, I’m commuting!”
This boss 2001 Civic LX has 192k miles. This isn’t your dad’s Mercury Cougar that sh*t the bed after 97,000 miles. It’s a Honda. It’s just hitting puberty. It can be yours for $3,293.67.

Fast cars and big trucks all scream the same thing: “I’M OVERCOMPENSATING!” If you’re secure about the size of your genitalia, drive something that tells the world you give zero shits because you average 35 MPf*ckingG.

Complete with tinted windows up front. Why not the back windows? This ride doesn’t care about some bitch-ass backseat driver (or child)! If you get tired of them complaining out of their pie-holes, you can nail them with ice-cold AC capable of freezing your dick/vagina right off.

The airbag (SRS) light came on randomly a couple weeks ago. I didn’t bother fixing it because I’m not a pussy, and if my car is going to have a hard landing after jumping over an exploding train and the airbag is going to blast me in the face, I want it to be a surprise, like a hooker jumping out of a birthday cake. BOING
Front tires are ready to rock. Rear tires are fine although not quite as rock-ready, but what do you care? You’re an LA driver–as soon as there’s a drop of rain you’re going to piss yourself and drive like the sky is falling, anyway.

This car is all-Civic, ladies. It hasn’t been trashed and racing-modded by some yabbo, because it’s a f*cking Civic. Get real people.

But wait, there’s more:

– Registered until July, 2015
– Manual transmission
– Side airbags (good incase car rolls over after a river-jump)
– CD player
– Tape deck so you can use a tape adapter to play music from your phone, you cheap bastard
– Cruise control
– Tilt wheel
– 3 floor mats that it stole from an older Civic on the playground
– Air conditioning
– A mildly squeaky belt that announces your arrival
– Teeth marks on the parking brake handle and one of the interior door handles because a previous owner must have been a real piece of sh*t and locked their dog in the car for too long. If you might do that to your dog, don’t buy this car. But do come over so you can get the c*ntpunch you deserve
– Interior 9.5/10, aside from bite marks
– Body 8/10. Gotta get some scars to earn your stripes on the street, yo.
– This is the actual mileage, unlike a vast majority of the other cheap Civics you’re finding in this cesspool of used cars
– Half tank of gas. You’re welcome.
– Clean title, full Carfax report available for anyone brave enough to ask
* angry cats not included

My name is Chris. Email me to set up a test drive. You must provide your own explosions.

** Yes, this is a real ad and this car is really for sale

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Unfortunately the ad has since been flagged and taken down by Craigslist, because the world is a horrible place and people hate fun…or maybe the ad worked beautifully and the original poster took it down because he sold the car.

But really it’s probably because people hate fun.

[H/T Uproxx]


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