Blacked Out Bro ‘Accidentally’ Spends Two Grand on Strippers, Plus Other Hook Up Heroics

By 01.29.14

So this happened during the summer of 2013. Since we were in our last year of high school, me and some of my bros decide to take a one-week binge drinking vacation. (not that we don't binge drink every weekend at home). Anyway, 15 of us went to Magaluf. Now if you don't know, Magaluf is the raunchiest place in the whole Mediterranean. Naturally, there was tons of booze, drugs and hookers. After having passed out early the first night due to casually pounding a case of Coronas and a bottle of Absinthe while pre-gaming, I was obviously going to make up for that the second night. What followed was truly fucked up.

As per usual we started pre-gaming at noon, so I was completely shitfaced when we went out.

To provide a little back story I had a girlfriend at the time, and being the douchenozzle that I was, I had ditched her 18th birthday to go on vacation with the bros instead. So I figured I'd try to keep my dick in my pants out of respect for her.

Anyway, we hit the town and start with some vodka shots. Next thing I know my bros drag me to this raunchy strip club, and me, being the drunk fuck I was thought: What could go wrong? At this point, I blacked the fuck out and all I remember are a few hazy pictures of me pouring champagne on two naked chick while they fingered each other, and then snorting coke from their tits. I wake up the next morning with a hangover from the ages, and no idea how I got to my hotel room. I check my pockets and my phone is fucking gone, as I think to myself that that was the worst part. It wasn't …

As usual, I do the post-blackout account balance check and guess what? All my money was gone. In one night I spent $2,000 on strippers (turns out ordering champagne at a titty bar is pretty expensive, who could have guessed?) So at this point I'm thinking I had hit rock bottom.

Then my bros come in and tell me what I did the previous night.. Apparently I had fucked both the strippers, and banged a hooker in the middle of the fucking street, then went back to the hotel room and smoked 10 grams of ganja before passing out face first on a passed out bros ass, and all of it was on film…

I called my dad and he wired me some cash and got me a new phone. To this day, my girlfriend has no clue that I banged three chicks on her birthday and my dick is clean from all kinds of STD's so all in all it was a pretty fucking rad trip.

That story was so believable until you said ten grams of weed. You smoke three whole eighths while blacked out? No.

So it was my buddy's birthday and we took a party bus to a bar about a half hour from where we live. We invited a few girls that we never banged before, and a few that we have smashed before just in case we struck out with the ones we wanted to hook up with.

By the time we get to the bar, we're all already completely trashed and it doesn't end there. I end up spending a shit ton of money at the bar on just about everyone. Shots galore. You name it, we drank it. At some point during the night I had my eye on this chick that I grew up with who was home for break. I hadn't seen her in about 10 years, but she's a smoke show now. After some prime game being tossed at her, we were hardcore making out at the bar.

I thought I was in for sure. Next thing ya know, my guaranteed piece of ass walks up to me and decided she wanted to buy me a shot. That's all I needed to hear at the tim, so I obliged. After a little dancing with Ms. Guaranteed, I tried to find the girl who I wanted to hook up with that I haven't seen in years. Long story short, we end up back on the party bus next to each other and I'm trying to get her to stay the night at my boy's so I can go in for the kill. Her friend that she came with didn't want to stay the night (of course) so she decided to leave.

Once I knew she was leaving, I went and searched for Ms. Guaranteed and went straight for it. We were walking back into my bo'ys house to go at it when another one of my buddies came out with this girl who said she was down for a foursome. Obviously, I was down to make it happen. So we head to my boy's car, which happens to be a Dodge Dart and I'm convinced that it has the SMALLEST back seat ever. Back to the good stuff. Me and the guaranteed are going at it in the backseat and my buddy is up in the front with his girl. He can't get anything going up there due to the lack of space. I notice it and invite his girl back there to join me and the one I was banging. Surprisingly enough, she hops right back there with us and we go at it while my buddy watches. We finish and we all go our separate ways, the end. Long story short, we turned a Dodge Dart into a F Shack.

Why didn't you just say fuck. Fuck shack. You can curse here. 

Halloween weekend first semester sophomore year, decked out in a 90’s Andre Agassi get up. Completely obliterated off a bottle of gin I found in a roommate's freezer, at around 11 I’m dancing my ass off at a frat house.

I start aggressively hooking up with a smokeshow freshman while she starts jerking me off through the zipper hole in my jeans. I came to the conclusion (in more ways than one) that it was too early to leave and there was nothing left to accomplish with her on the dance floor. I got the girls'' number and continued my rampage to another frat house where I locked eyes with this cute freshman in this barely there Kardashian outfit.

We quickly got out of there and head back to her dorm for a two-hour tumble in the sheets. She was probably a seven but her ass was an 11, which was the main reason why we “accidentally” started having anal. We some how get locked out of her room after taking a shower down the hall. Luckily, I had my phone with me, so as she went to go find an RA, I put on random clothes that I found in the dryer in the laundry room.

I headed back to my dorm with this sweet sign I ripped off a wall in the hallway that made people aware of vending machines falling on them. As I got back to my room and put it up on my wall, my phone rang. It was the girl from earlier in the night asking to come over. While fucking her from behind on my futon she notices the sign I grabbed an hour earlier. While inside her, she informs me that they have the same sign in her freshman girl’s dorm, except that someone stole it that night.

After a fifteen second awkward silence she turned around and gave me the most aggressive blowjob I’ve ever had, but all I could think about was the Kardashian girl’s ass that my dick had plunged into earlier that night.

Ever sent in a hook up hero? Now's your chance. 

[Strippers via Shutterstock


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