Bros Hiding in the Closet, a Dude Gets Pissed On, and the WWE Tag Team Championship Belt
This first one is…interesting.
Alright, so this story is both awesome and extremely f*cked up…and you might not believe it but it definitely needs to be shared with the world of Bros.
So after my sophomore year of college a few of my buddies and I decided that we needed to experience Cancun since we got no SB thanks to lax season. When we get to Cancun, naturally two of my buddies snatch up two solid slampieces that are staying at the same resort as us. Anyway these two fairly hot girls have a friend. She is not hot…far from hot, actually. As in 5’ 1” 190 lbs not hot. Fat as f*ck. You get the picture.
By the third day we are sitting by the pool at around 1 p.m. slamming drinks with the two babes plus their fat friend. All of a sudden, one of my buddies kind of just asks a question to no one in particular “so who is gonna f*ck their fat friend?” Everyone slowly looks at me…not sure why…actually I know exactly why…they know that when I get drunk I'll gladly bang the brutal chick who requires less work then waste time on spitting game to a hot chick who I may or may not pull…or maybe I just have weak game. I like to think its the former. Anyway, after my non-response they proceed to feed me drinks all afternoon and by around 4ish in the afternoon I’m hammered and agree to it. My buddies are also severely inebriated and begin coming up with various awesome ideas.
They decide that this is the perfect time to conduct a closet show (your Bros sit in a closet and watch you in all your glory take down some tramp) they then start giving me just ridiculous sh*t to tell this broad while they are there. Those things include saying sh*t like “welcome to Narnia b*tch!!” as im j*zzing or to pretend I'm Spock from “Star Trek” (the movie had just come out and we all just thought of the weirdest sh*t we could think of) while I’m balls deep. Bottom line, they wanted me to disrespect the sh*t out of her while making them laugh.
So I get her back to the room (I used the pickup line “wanna go take a nap”) after four of my Bros have hidden in our tiny ass room (Two in the closet, one underneath a sheet in the nearby bed, and another in the bathroom) and of course the bitch wants to talk before we smash (this is where it gets f*cked up) and she proceeds to tell me how her mom has brain cancer and has three months to live and almost didn't come on this trip because of it but is glad she did because she met me. Keep in mind, she said this in the room, in earshot of all my buddies hiding getting ready to watch me j*zz all over her rolls while pretending to be a character from Star Trek. So at this point I have that god/devil debate inside my head. Needless to say, the devil won out and I decided I'd gotten this far, I can't back out now, I was probably going to be the best lay of her life, and I convinced myself that it would be the right thing to do since she was dealt a sh*tty deck of cards in life (I know I’m going to hell).
So we started hooking up, and she started to suck me off and as she’s going at it (I got to give her credit, it was surprisingly good for a fat ass busted chick) and we were positioned so that I had a clear view of the bed with my buddy hiding underneath the sheets, as soon as I realize this he pokes his head out and we make direct eye contact and he has the funniest f*cking look on his face and I couldn't do anything but burst out laughing. The whale immediately looks up exasperated and asks if I was laughing at her, I tell her that she just tickled me and she immediately gets back to it. So we are about to smash until I realize that my condom is in my wallet, locked in the locker, in the closet where my buddies are hiding in clear view of the bed. So end up walking over to the closet open it a crack and I see my two buddies with towels wrapped through their mouths gagging themselves so they don’t laugh. They hand me my wallet, high five me, and then I proceed to start taking down the whale. I do the whole ignorantly smashing her head into the headboard and am embellishing the sex and putting on as much of a show as possible, and then I remember the things my buddies told me to say, so I demand in the middle of my humps that the whale call me Spock. She looks at me like I have five heads, and I tell her how I’m a huge Trekkie and that she should call me Spock. She ignores me and doesn't call me it, and I’m like whatever and am about to finish until I hear a small moan start to get louder and louder until it is a full-blown scream of “SPOCKKKKKKKKK, DONT STOPPP SPOCKKKKKK!!!” And then I came.
Talk about dedication to the craft. After the whole cancer bit even I'd have bowed out.
Two summers ago, I was going into my senior year of high school and had just gotten my first girlfriend (one of my many mistakes that summer). My parents were out for the night so I decided to have her over. We start going at it in my bedroom and I make my way down to her puss. I'm finger blasting her with a few signature moves, and I figured she was enjoying from the countless moans she let out.
After a few minutes of this, her entire body shuttered and I felt my hand get a little wet. Here I am, naive as possible, thinking I was so good that I made her squirt. It took me a few seconds to realize the consistency was off, it was very warm and that it wasn't stopping. I pulled my fingers out and looked down to notice a giant piss stain on my sheets. I don't think I've laughed harder in my life as she turned bright red and was nearly in tears. Of course, I made her go throw my sheets in the washer…she's lucky I didn't make her wash them by hand.
P.S. This is the same girl that blew me in the back seat of my car, swallowed, then vomited all over a mall parking lot because it didn't sit well with her stomach.
That chick's going to make one lucky man very unhappy someday. NEXT!
A few months ago, I brought a girl back from the bars back to my place. I plowed her that night, and passed out drunk and went to sleep. I was woken up in the morning to the tune of her pleasuring me. After plowing her again, I proceeded to shower off the love juice.
After I got out, I had heard my roomates door open, so I go out and talk to him for a few minutes. I informed him about this crazy broad who was in my bed, we both walk in and start talking to her as shes laying in my bed completely naked. After a few minutes, she grabs my leg and says, “I want round two.” I look back at her, then point to my roomate, and respond, “only if he can join in”.
She whistles my roomate over, and aggressively took his pants off and started blowing him. I got in the bed and started cracking up at the site of what was actually taking place. As I am laughing, she spins around, takes my towel off, and starts blowing me. Now around 10:15 in the morning, this girl is getting Eiffel Towered in my bed with my roomate and I.
After we finished, we high fived her, and I sent her on her way. A few hours later, I posted a picture of the WWF Tag Team Championship belt on my roomates Facebook wall. I instantly get a notification, it was the girl liking the picture, and commenting, “When is round three?”
A woman by birth, a dirty skank by the grace of God.