Can I Still Have Sex If I Have Mono? Plus, Other Burning Questions

by 7 years ago

Waffles,
 

Is it O.K. for guys to give each other gifts? I found a sweet Ferris Bueller T-shirt online yesterday and my Bro's birthday is coming up and I know he would like it. Is it O.K. for me to buy him a gift or not?

Best,
Anonymous

 

Bro,

It is only O.K. if afterwards you don't spill your heart out or confess that his a**hole is your Graceland. I think there is an age when you stop buying other dudes gifts (4th grade), but giving your buddy a bottle of booze or a gag T-shirt isn't a crime in my eyes.

Dear Waffles,

What's good with eating girls out? I wouldn't say it's something that I love to do, but when I get real f*cked up I seem to always end up down there. Can you shed some of your infinite wisdom on good ol' fashion box munching?

Thanks,
Chaybr0ham Lincoln

ChayBroham,

I think you and I suffer from the same problem. I can't help myself when I'm f*cked up either. Sober is another story, but when I'm lit up, it's like the Last Supper down there. The booze kidnaps our good judgement and then makes us eat vag*na at gun point. It's not our fault but it is also why I have three rules when it comes to munching box, either sober or drunk. They were obviously learned the hard way.

1. Always send a finger down to scope the scene for rouge debris and pick up the stench. Then, nonchalantly catch a whiff of said finger before you yourself head south.

2. Avoid superfluous muffs. You are not doing yourself any favors by eating out a girl whose vag*na looks like Bob Ross. Sole exclusion to this rule: you just ate corn on the cob.

3. No fat chicks. Fuck them all you want, go right ahead, but leave it at that. I don't want to get into the gory details, but I was almost asphyxiated between two thighs once. It really put things into perspective.


Waffles,

This girl told me that she would love to give me head. As stoked as I was, she said I couldn't c*m in her mouth. At the risk of sounding like “that guy,” I was wondering where I should c*m instead. So, where would be the best spot?

Best,
Anonymous


Bro,

Well this doesn't sound like the type of broad you'd want to marry, let alone respect. So c*m somewhere that will teach her a f*cking lesson about outlandish pre-coital demands. What lesson is that, you ask? The one that causes her to realize that swallowing your load would have been far less annoying than the current outcome. Basically, glob it in her hair, fire it in her ear canal, or put the b*tch's f*ckin' eye out. In the disgraceful event that you like this prude, spunk on her tits. Whatever you do, don't ever think about covering yourself in j*zz or using a tissue. You need to set precedence.


Waffles,


I'm currently in the process of applying to colleges for the Fall 2011 semester with my associates from community college (yes, I f*cked up in high school and took a year off to work with my dad).  Point being, I'm trying to decide on whether I should join a frat when I get to my four-year school.  If I came there as a freshman, I absolutely would have joined, but I'm having second thoughts now.  When I enter the school, I'll be 21, meaning I would be pledging with all 17- and 18-year-olds and taking orders from people my own age.  My point is, is it worth spending a quarter of my time at college just pledging the frat?  In case it influences your response, I'm from New York, and plan on applying to ASU, FSU, U of F, and some SUNY schools as well.

Thanks Bro,
Danny


Noonan,

Not everybody joins a frat in their first semester of college or even their first year. Being 21 compared to 18 or 19 years old isn't that much of an age difference. One of the best and most active brothers in my fraternity was in a similar position as you. He was in the military for a few years prior to college. That didn't stop him from joining and raging like a madman.

At larger schools (like the ones you're looking at) people won't even notice the age difference and you'll probably get less shit during pledging since you won't be an annoying little freshman. All in all, I would assess the Greek life at these schools before you dive into anything. If you only have two years left it might not be worth it to you, but hopefully some of the Bros who already go to those schools can chime in.


Dear Bros,

The doc recently told me I have infectious mononucleosis and it even infected my kidney so I can't do shit for about six weeks. Here's my dilemma and my question. I leave for basic training January 24, so just over six weeks. That means almost no contact with females for 14 weeks after the 24th since I'm infantry. Since these are my last weeks being able to hook up with chicks for a long time should I say screw it and proceed to slay some ass? Or not, because mono is a pretty serious infection and honestly hurts like shit right now. Even though it's common knowledge, mono is passed orally.

Thanks for the help,
Mono Bro

Mono,


Naturally, my first reaction is to tell you to go for it. You will be going to fight for our country (at some point) so right now you should get to go out and treat every vag*na like it's committed a war crime. But since our editor will definitely cut that response and because some would consider that irresponsible advice — not everyone has had mono before — I will offer an alternative. With mono and sex, all is not lost. Assuming that you can muster the strength to get out of the house and take care of business, there is one loophole to mono: most people can't get it twice. Be frank. Tell chicks that you have it and if they've already had it too you're potentially golden. Sprinkle in a few comments about where you'll be in six short weeks and she'll likely salute you right before she hits her knees at the speed of light.

Keep 'Em Coming,
Waffles


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