Can You Be Friends With an Ex-Girlfriend?

by 6 years ago

I saw an ex-girlfriend last weekend; here’s an actual snippet of our conversation: “Oh, is it 6? I have to take my pill. Don’t want to forget that one, haha.” Yeah, HILARIOUS. LOOK AT THIS GIRL WITH THE JOKES. Let me break this down; “pill” is another way of her saying “the thing that I take to keep me from having babies because of all the sex I’m having”; and “don’t want to forget that one” means, “if I have a baby, I’ll need to stop with all the great sex I’m having with people that aren’t you… Also, remember when I made you wear condoms? Well, f*ck you.”

Now I was completely unaffected emotionally by this (I wish her nothing but the best — I’m only writing an article on the Internet about it), but competitively, I just can’t let this go. What can I do? Is there a Man equivalent to the “I have to take the pill” line?

At that moment, I wish I could have reached into my pocket, pulled out a used condom, flopped it down on the bar and — as my semen splashed all over her face — said, “Oops! Is it 6? I forgot to take this used condom out of my pocket from the sex I had earlier. Anyway, what were you saying about your friend with cancer?” And then she would have licked a bit of my c*m from the side of her mouth and said, “My God, it still tastes like all of my dreams.” But of course none of that happened. All I could do was fumble around for something to say — so now I look uncomfortable, BUT NOT BECAUSE I CARE! It’s because I want to win at the game she decided to start. If someone put a Connect 4 game in front of you, YOU’RE GOING TO PLAY SOME FUCKING CONNECT 4! So she walks out of the bar, thinking, “Oh, he misses me,” but in reality, she started this “ex-dance” and I happened to slip on the banana peel she placed on the dance floor of resentment.

This is exactly why you can never stay friends with an ex. Inherent in the designation of ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is “you weren’t good enough for me.” It’s a simple fact, and millennia of evolution have trained us to be competitive to survive. There’s this segment of girls that believes they are above the fray, that ex-boyfriends are just a great opportunity to have another close friend. This is a repulsive denial of the highest order: a sneaky trick. They are aware of the competition (sometimes subconsciously), and their tactic is to pretend that no game even exists.

Imagine children playing tag, and one kid says the game is over, she’s not playing tag anymore, and then comes up to you, says “Game’s back on! TAG YOU’RE IT! I HAVE GREAT SEX WITH OTHER DUDES!” Except we’re adults, and these women will suck you in with gifts, dinner, dangle the opportunity of casual sex just in front of you, and then just randomly let their diaphragm fall out of their vag*na as you’re walking out of the restaurant, and give you a look that says, “Huh, must’ve gotten pounded loose last night — that guy had amazing core strength.” They are Trojan horses, making you take your guard down, assuring themselves victory.

What can a reasonable man do? The only way to handle this is to never let them in. Unless you truly believe there is a possibility that you will get back together with her (there isn’t), why bother? You know how you win the game? Stop playing it. Don’t call her, don’t text her, ignore her invitations to come “hang out with her and her friends.” She only wants you around so she can prove she’s better than you. That sounds cynical, but I really mean that. She has an obsession with the attention, she can’t handle not having it, she can’t handle the idea that she’s no longer wanted. It will drive her insane.

And after you spend a few months doing that, and she’s at her lowest, most desperate point… call her up. Hopefully, she remembered to take her pill at 6 p.m., because it will be the best hate-sex of your life.

Jared Freid is a NYC-based comedian. For bookings, comments, or dating questions you can contact him by email or follow him on Twitter @jtrain56

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