Here’s Why People Who Cheer For Only One Team Their Entire Lives Are Stupid

by 2 years ago
Houston Texans v Buffalo Bills

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Welcome to another edition of Ask A Bro. Be sure to check out the archives and submit your questions for the bro here.

Before we begin…

My video game playing days are behind me. The urge to pick up a remote control died years ago. Never really a “gamer”, my last real dedication to finishing a title was Jak and Daxter. Sad though true.

To make room, and a little extra cash, this holiday I sold off my Xbox 360 and the remaining games. The final sale amount is too dismal to discuss but the next guy in line waiting to dump off his unused gaming hardware made my cash in sound like a shipping container heist. His only trade-in was a PS3 remote control. Still checking and tallying my wares, the guy behind the counter told the other customer “we take those on trade-in. but I’m going to tell you right now, there worth almost nothing.” The customer asked how much, store clerk scanned and checked, and the store was willing to buy the remote for fifty. Cents. Two quarters. Half a dollar.

“Ok, I’ll take it.”
silence
“Ok,” said the clerk, “well you’re next after this customer so it’s going to be about ten minutes.”
silence
“Ok, I’ll wait.”

And so he waited for his fifty cents. In the meantime, I searched my pockets for change to give the guy to just go the fuck home.

Fifty cents. It’s tough out there, bros.

Now the questions..

Q: I’m originally from the DC area and moved to Colorado when I was 5. My family still lives in the DC area and I still maintain my Maryland sports teams allegiance (I like both Baltimore and Washington, but will always root for Washington). I have also developed an allegiance to the Colorado teams as well. Now my question pertains to when the two teams (take the Avs and Caps for example) play each other, who does a bro root for? Is it possible to like 2 sports teams?

A: The most common reasons for divorce today include infidelity, financial, growing apart and wanting different things and general unhappiness. In this case, I’m talking about the end of a union between two humans. Two humans that not only have sex with one another (maybe not as often one or both would like) and who also provided the basic human feelings (love, compassion, empathy) to the other. While the drop in the divorce rate can be contributed to many factors, the divorce rate has been declining in recent years. Even as the statistics lower, the number of marriages breaking up is still significant.

If a person can stop loving another human being, why is it impossible to fathom a person falling out of love with a sports franchise?

People change their mind about things constantly — their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, their career and job, the home or city in which they dwell, even their cable provider. Humans are allowed to cut ties with just about anything — except a sports team. God for fucking bid you root for a different team at 40 than you did at 20.

While I’m on the subject, the entire idea of absolute fandom is ridiculous.

On my way to work a couple months ago, I spotted a guy wearing a Yankees hat, Yankees shirt, drinking from a NY travel mug, an MLB official Bronx Bombers bag strapped to his back. He wasn’t going to a game (it was October and the Yankees don’t play in October anymore) and his age was slightly north of 35. He looked fucking ridiculous. His entire outfit signified “I yearn to belong to a subset of people who also cheer for a baseball team from New York” and “I can’t be bothered shopping anywhere but Dick’s Sporting Goods for clothes.” I’m not far off base assuming the guy had attended several games (possibly had season tickets), traveled to opposing parks to see a few games and spent his hard-earned money (a right to which he’s absolutely entitled) on merchandise supporting a professional sports team who gives, at most, two fucks about him.

Let’s say, hypothetically, that tomorrow your favorite sports team institutes a policy that men named Ken are no longer admitted into the stadium because, the organization came to find through research, that men named Ken are about as cool as a big bag of dicks. And your name is Ken. You can do nothing to stop this policy and can only adhere to it by either ceasing to support the team or changing your name. Now let’s say your dad is a huge fan and his name happens to be Ken but you’re fine because your name is Skip. You can breath easy because even though you’ve got a fucking stupid name, you’re still allowed to attend games and root root root for the home team. Ken, your big bag of dick for a day, is no longer allowed to support his favorite team after YEARS of buying and wearing hats and shirts and buying mugs and backpacks and vagina warmers for mom. And actually, this is all his fault. You only supported these cockfaces for all these years because he’d throw you out of the house if you didn’t. See where your terrible taste in teams got us, Ken! Maybe they’re right, dad. Maybe you are about as cool as a bag of dicks.

Professional sports teams think of the fans last. None of the decisions are made with the average fan in mind. The goal of every franchise is to make money. Often they’ll make decisions that actually spite fans, but who gives a shit, it puts them even farther in the black. Rooting for the Patriots, Bulls, Flyers or Warriors is no different than rooting for Apple, Amazon or Facebook. They’re all companies in the business of doing business. Companies do whatever the hell they want. Fans can too.

Because honestly what do fans get out of the one-sided relationship? The sensation of winning it all even when we didn’t do anything to achieve the win? That feeling of elation lasts about three of four days then we’re back to our normal sad lives and cheering for teams in other sports who’ll ultimately end up kicking us in the dick. And don’t give me any of that “12th man” bullshit. Fans screaming that the opposing quarterback’s mom should have aborted him as a child doesn’t pump up an already stacked defense, and honestly, his mom thought about it but in the end did what she felt was right!

Cheer for seven baseball teams, buy shirts for every rotten franchise in the NFC East (they’re probably cheap since they all blow), go to the Avs and Caps game and cheer for both teams. Fuck it. You don’t have to answer to anyone. Who’s going to say anything? All your friends who’re stuck rooting for the same stupid franchise for decades. Good job. You’ve stuck it out with Browns forever. Guess what you win? Absolutely nothing except chronic heartburn every fall. It the sign of a truly stupid person to be on a sinking ship and yell “THIS SHIP IS GOING TO SAIL AGAIN ONE DAY AND YOU’LL ALL BE GLURRGRBRGGGLURG”

Q: Last night I went to a party with my girlfriend at her boss’s houses. I’ve also been friends with her boss since we were kids, and we have always had a good but strictly platonic relationship. We all drank a lot of wine. I went to hug the hostess as we were leaving and she kissed me on the lips. It was a short kiss, but definitely not a peck on the cheek. My question is this: is there such a thing as an innocent kiss on the lips?

They’re swingers. The next party is a key party. Wear nice underwear.

Q: So I ride the bus home everyday from class because college. There’s a girl in a sorority that I see sometimes who I find attractive. Thing is, she has her headphones in and I don’t know what the etiquette is for that. Should I just continue fratting and hope one day the stars align?

A: Good idea, just keep doing your thing and assume one day she’ll notice you and want to have sex in the back. “I’m just going to keep walking past this slot machine and hopefully some day the money will just jump into my pants.” “I’m going to keep walking past this college and hopefully the thoughts in the air will help me earn a degree.” “I’m going to keep walking past this whore house and just the scent of baby-oil soaked vagina is like getting laid.” Every great life story begins “yeah so I just sat there and waited for stuff to happen.”

Sit down in the seat across from her (not next to her, that’s grounds for punching you in the nuts for invading private space) and ask her what she’s listening to. Tell her you’re listening to podcasts about becoming an entrepreneur so one day you can have enough money to buy a car and stop riding the bus.

Got a question for the resident bro? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.


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