Bro’s Penis + College Chick With Braces = Emergency Room Hell, Plus Is Not Always Wanting Sex Weird?
Q: This bitch literally scarred my dick, and I've turned down sex from other girls 26 times so far because of it.
Story is I was getting a blowie on the stairs of this random porch by this girl I met at a nearby college party. Thing is the girl had braces (which I thought no big deal braces cant actually harm your Jimmy). FUCKIN WRONG! Her braces caught my dick and peeled skin in a drunken struggle to get her steel mouth unhooked. I end up calling 911 because I was doubled over in pain and 2 months after everything was said and done, I'm healed. (no one ever found out & she blacked out).
Problem is, now I'm scared to let girls go down because of a permanent blemish where that other girl caught my dick. I use to be real “active” so you can imagine my frustration.
How do I explain it when other girls ask? Will they mind it? I don't want a rumor to doom me.
A: Let's take stock:
Emergency room visit? CHECK.
Two months to heal? CHECK…and also, JESUS CHRIST.
A scar so visible that you're self-conscious to hook up with other chicks? CHECK.
You refer to your former sex life the same way people refer to old volcanoes? CHECK.
Just how much dick did she have to floss out of her braces the next morning? Since she was blacked out, did she confuse it for bits of McNuggets that she just assumed she ate late night? And if she was kind of gross did she say “fuck it” and swallow your fragmented dick skin, because Oooo leftover McNuggets! YUMMY?
Unless we're talking about otherworldly dick mutilation, the simple solution here is turning off the lights or, if that is not possible because you only fuck in well-lit rooms, blame the scar on a botched circumcision as an infant. Chicks go nuts for childhood tragedy. “You almost lawst your cawk at birth? Awwwww, you poor thing. Here, have a slice of my soaking wet pussy.” Yes, the girl in that scenario is from Boston. No idea why.
And by the way, I hope you learned your lesson. You don't stick your dick in a human cheese grater and hope for the goddamn best.
Q: Yo. Sup bro. Anyway, now that we're past the formalities, I got a kind of a good problem I guess. So I'm in college and I got a girlfriend now, she's cool. We bone, you know, good stuff. Well this girl is always down, I mean like wants it in the library and whenever, pretty much 24/7. I can't keep up man, physically or just wanting to, there's no way I can keep going like that. I guess what I'm asking is am I a bitch for being a man less ready and adventurous for sex than my girl?
A: At this point in my life I've probably had sex or jerked off close to 10,000 times (wildly innacurate overstatement) and almost every time, save for when time is of the essence, I think to myself before the first load even flies out, “I'm for sure blowing no less than two loads tonight, this feels terrific, I'M TERRIFIC. Block off the next hour, babe, because no one rebounds better than old JC.” And then, without fail, after that first load sails out I'm like “Eh, one's good. We have any of that pasta left? Need to recharge batts.” So I go eat a bowl of pasta to replace the eye-drop worth of cum I just purged.
This happens Every. Single. Time.
Bascially, if something is wrong with you, then something is definitely wrong with me. (Note: something is very wrong with me, seek help.)
Hey, here's a GIF some reader sent us.
And here's one with BOOBS
Daddy never taught her that no one likes a tease. GAAAAAAAHHH JUST PULL IT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!
Q:Hardest Question you'll ever receive:
What is the 1-10 scale rating girls?
Sub Questions that should also be answered:
What criteria? How low is too low? Can it change from person to person or is it pretty objective?
A: No offense, but this is more like most high school question I've ever received.
And hey, I said “no offense” so you can't get all pissy about that. Don't you dare even think about taking offense, you got that, motherfucker?
Ok, so now is the part where you can take all kinds of umbrage and offense because I'm not actually going to answer your question.
Q: Thoughts on donating sperm? Pros: getting paid to whack it, and you're helping out a family who can't have kids. Cons: possibility of having dozens of your own kids running around and not knowing it. Thanks man. Keep up the good work.
A: Prior to reading your question my thoughts on donating sperm were, “(enter greasy fart noises here).”
I'm a profound thinker like that…
I never really think about donating spermatozoa outside of if I needed money I'd probably do it. The having 4000 kids part (let's face it, people would want my gobs of genetically perfect goo) doesn't really affect me. Since I'd only do it for money, I wouldn't feel any obligation to think about the kids it created. I'm merely a service provider. And that's the way you should approach it. You're being paid to fix a problem, like a plumber, carpenter or Dr. Kevorkian.
Let's check in with our old friend Ivan (the Bro who sends oddball questions) to see what he's up to
Q: Someone snitched on you and the cops found the corpse buried underneath your porch. The judge throws the book at you. He offers you the following sentences and will let you decide which punishment you want. A- Life in jail, with a surgically implanted elephant cock, in your butthole 24/7. B- 50 years in jail, with permanently attached headphones, playing “Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies, followed by “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone. Both songs, 24/7, super loud. C- 10 years in jail, in a female yak costume, along with a herd of 25 horny male yaks. D- 1 week in jail, hands and feet tied, housed with a large family of unfed cannibals.
A: I think I pick C and PRAY that the muscles surrounding my asshole are up for the task of being clinched for 87,648 hours straight (that's accounting for two leap years and no breaks.)
Q: You've met the woman of your dreams, a perfect ten, incredible in bed and she loves the NFL! You decide to pop the big question. You take her to a fancy restaurant, get on your knees and just before you take out the ring…disaster strikes! Your nerves betray you and your sensitive stomach too. You are about three seconds away, from letting one rip silently, but as petulant as rotten eggs & Limburger cheese. How would you handle this? A- Knock her unconscious with a left hook, then fart freely. B- Ask her where she stands on smelling really gross farts and then gas up the joint. C- Tackle the waiter and during the ensuing brawl, fart and blame him. D- Tell her to close her eyes and to guess what cologne you are wearing, as you fart right into her face.
A: I'd probably pick A, but I'd wait till she asks “what's for dinner?” (purely for the comedic timing) and then I'd start serving up right crosses, because no self-respecting blogger throws left hooks these days.
Q: I know this 100%, truthful account may sound like a bunch of bull, but it actually did occur! Last night I bought a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving. When I got home, the frozen turkey came to life and asked to be spared! Since I had nothing better to do, I pulled up a chair and asked the turkey, “What's in it for me?” The turkey then offered one of the following rewards, if I let it go. It's up to you almighty bro, which choice would you go with? A- It would turn itself into a carbon copy of a horny, Wonder Woman, ready to satisfy me sexually, but with a hairy pussy laced with barbwire. B- It would give me my own website, where I could post all of my outstanding letters to J. Camm, along with nude photos of myself whacking off. C- My very own Toyota Prius, that would secretly be an evil transformer, whose sole purpose in life would be to fuck the Statue of Liberty every Sunday morning. D- An army of ten million midget ninjas at my command, all hell bent on taking over San Francisco and renaming the city Liberace Land.
A: What eludes me — aside from responses to his questions, because they're harebrained — is why Ivan hasn't asked for a freelancing gig with us yet. Something, perhaps the power of Christ, would compel me to give him a shot.