10 Confessions You Never Want to Make to Your Parents About Your College Life
For you bros that are making the sad trek back home for the next three months, brace yourself for the inevitable “end of the year” discussion with your parents, where they will throw the kitchen sink at you (figuratively speaking) to find out how you did in school and what progress you're making with your life.
The integration process takes on many faces depending on who your parents are. It could happen the minute you walk through the door, so be prepared. Or, if they are really trying to extract the truth from you, they might adopt a long, con-type policy and wait until you've had a few beers to catch you with your guard down. Regardless, they're going to find out what they want — you barely passed a class, your fraternity got suspended, etc.
What's really important is that you confess to them what they want to hear about your year and nothing more. Straight silence will only make them dig more and press harder. This tactic should be avoided. White lies and half-truths are a lot more effective.
What you don't want to do is give them any reason to keep asking, so as brutally painful as it might be to endure their line of questioning about how much alcohol you consumed, it will be worth talking about to protect your darkest truths from coming to light. The shit you did that could potentially lead to them disowning you.
For those bros who are lucky enough to avoid moving back home for the summer, congrats on establishing your freedom and asserting your masculinity, but be prepared: the end of the year conversation with the parents is still coming. No matter how far away you are; no matter how good you are doing in school, they will make it a point of emphasis to check in with you at the end of the year. It's a natural practice and tradition that your parent's parents passed on to them.
Here's 10 Confessions You Should Never Make:
1. You had sex with two chicks in the same night.
This might be your No. 1 accomplishment of the entire school year, and possibly all of college, and you may boast about it to your friends back home, but make sure your parents never get wind of it. This is a confession that will have them thinking you're a dirty, ruthless savage who a) doesn't respect women and b) has a high probability to come home with a STD next summer. This will warrant them to kick you out of the house as soon as college is over.
Although you may want to slip it into a conversation you're having one-on-one with your dad to get his approval, resist the temptation to bond with your old man because chances are he won't be impressed and he more than likely will be telling your mom. Remember, his balls have long been surrendered to marriage. He is not your bro.
2. You had your roommate write your final exam.
This isn't a priority-based list by any means, because one could argue that telling your parents you cheated on a test is worse than telling them that your a complete man-whore. If you think they'll look at you weird if you tell them about your three-way experience, then they will judge you twice as much when you tell them you're wasting their hard earned money on paying a buddy to get you through college. This is a confession you want to make to nobody — friends and girlfriends included. But when it comes to your parents, they will seriously think about disowning your lazy ass if they hear you couldn't even do your own work at school.
3. You didn't clean your sheets once.
Hygiene issues aren't as bad as moral ones, such as cheating and unchecked sexual promiscuity, but this is on the list because it makes you look dependent and weak. I'm not judging here at all, trust me I am bad when it comes to cleaning and doing laundry, too; however, from a parent's perspective a kid who can't clean their own sheets is a kid that shouldn't be going away to college. Similar to the previous two on this list, don't go bragging about this to anyone — keep it to yourself because nobody will be impressed with this confession.
4. You dropped a class because of too many absences.
Another big no-no. I had a friend tell his parents this and his dad made him pay him back in full for the class. Sleeping in or just choosing not to go is fine, you're a college student after all, but they don't need to know about your daily habits especially if it's going to cost them extra. This one is especially mind-numbingly ignorant because you can simply lay a white lie over it and say you dropped it because it was hard and you were failing. Most of the time, parents buy this excuse and don't ask for reimbursement.
5. You wound up on an Internet video.
I also had a friend tell his parents about this experience. The results weren't pretty. They terminated his credit card (aka all his funds) the next semester. This accomplishment can prove to do a lot of social harm while you're at school, but the damage back at home could be even more severe. Furthermore, when you're searching for a job out of college, the video may prove to do the most damage.
6. You pulled the fire alarm at school.
Although seemingly innocent and benign, this confession should most certainly be avoided. Why? Simple: parents will absolutely, 100% not find this amusing. Also, there really isn't any explanation or justification you can give them to talk yourself out of this once they find out about it. Similar to everything else on this list, you're to blame for this and that's the black and white version they'll see of this story no matter what circumstances you provide to them.
7. You missed the toilet.
Yea, I know, this is so funny the next morning when you're hungover and piss is all over the floor or vomit is in the shower; however, mom and dad are not in college with you, their your parents. There's nothing more scaring for a mother to hear than her son shit his pants on the way home from a party one night. Keep this one close to the chest, very close to the chest.
8. You're in debt.
Doesn't matter to who and how much, your personal college crisis should not involve them unless you really feel that danger is certain. If you've made it back home, though, chances are this is a debt you can afford to pay back next semester. Regardless of the circumstances, the fact remains mom and dad will show you no sympathy when you ask them for $1000 to pay off whatever debt you've accumulated. Owing is money is not funny to anyone, especially your legal guardians.
9. You escaped law enforcement.
They'd be better off not hearing about the time you had to hop a half dozen fences and run three miles to escape the campus police. In fact, your parents don't want to hear about any incidents' where you “almost” got in trouble, because almost to them is just as bad as getting charged with the crime. You may think you got away scot free and innocent, but they'll think you're at risk.
10. You lost something sentimental.
Unlike all the other ones on the list, this one is tougher to avoid forever — it will more than likely come to the surface once college ends. However, playing stupid at your graduation may actually work out better than straight honesty in this situation. For example, I lost something my grandma had given to me before I went to school freshman year. When she asked about it four years later, I said I couldn't remember what happened to it but told her that it was definitely lost. She was crushed, but she accepted the half-truth that it was lost and didn't really care to know how.
Parents aren't detectives, they don't need every detail to file their reports. They just need enough information to put them at easy. With everything in life, timing is everything. Remember, when you tell them something really bad, make sure they've had a few to drink.