Life

People Saying Romance Is Dead Obviously Are Sleeping On This Crazy Man Who Shoved A Bag Of Poop Down A Woman’s Pants

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I’m going to be honest, that headline reads like a YouTube prank gone wrong. “Ok, new prank, let’s shove poop down a girl’s pants and then spray them with air freshener while yelling ‘Yo pussy stank!!'” “I definitely don’t hate it.” I only say this because, to me, YouTube pranks make as much sense as Shia LaBeouf. Like I guess people enjoy them/him? I’ve never met anyone that does, but there must be people out there who do. Maybe I’m just wise beyond my years.

This incident, however, was not a YouTube prank. As far as anyone can tell. Maybe it was and he’s still cutting together the video and it’ll go viral this weekend (he isn’t and it won’t).

Via ABC 7:

“Police on the Upper East Side are investigating a bizarre crime in which a man shoved a bag of feces down a woman’s pants. The incident happened on Monday at 6 p.m. on East 74th between 1st and York Avenues.

A 27-year-old woman was walking down the street, when a man came up from behind her, grabbed her by the waist, and shoved a bag of feces down her pants and grabbed her buttocks. The suspect then ran away after the incident, flinging what appeared to be a glove to the sidewalk. Police describe the suspect as a 40-year-old man, 6’0″ tall, 200 lbs, dark complexion with an afro hair style.

Anyone with information is asked to call the NYPD’s Crime Stoppers Hotline at 800-577-TIPS or for Spanish 1-888-57-PISTA (74782).”

Listen, everyone’s got their fetishes. Me? I like being polite to women and holding the door open for them when I take them out to Applebee’s for some piping hot half-priced apps. This guy seemingly like his women to be complete strangers and to have their day completely ruined when a bag of poop is shoved down their pants with absolutely zero sexual reciprocation. Possibly, this guy had a plan. It’s 2016, crazier things have happened. Maybe this dude’s buddy had matched with this woman on Tinder and the guy likes when a woman’s must is slightly fecal, so he decided to take matters into his own hands since, you know, girls don’t poop. Or, maybe the guy is just a fucking weirdo who should be locked up. Any of these is possible. That’s the beauty of humanity, you never know what the whole story is.