I don’t know the first thing about fatherhood, I can hardly take care of myself. But I’m going to go out on a limb here and venture a guess that if your child is still taking dumps in his pants, it may not be a good idea to have him tee off of your face. Just a third party suggestion. Again, no experience in the matter. I’m 27-years-old and my dad still doesn’t trust me to drive his car to the gas station. Granted, I’m usually drunk, so his reasoning is valid, but nonetheless, it’s about eliminating risk. I can’t help but fear for this kid’s future. If he’s taking cuts off his dads melon as a toddler, the trend suggests that at 16, he’s going to be snorting bath salts off his birthday cake. Just make sure I get an invite to the party. And goodie bags. I want a fucking goodie bag.