The Definitive Guide To Post-Hook-Up Exit Strategies
A. How to get her to go home with you: The Entrance.
B. How to bolt the scene post task 1 achievement:The Exit.
You are a skilled artisan when it comes to crafting a lie words to get a girl to go home with you – compliment her on what she obviously prides herself on – she worked on that tan and went hard on that Stairmaster for those legs to achieve that airbrushed look, throw her a bone and you’ll get the “you noticed” smile which will eventually turn to the I’m drunk/flattered enough to go home with you. But if you don’t plan your exit strategy, or at least have a go-to, you could get stuck spending your Sunday at the local Farmer’s market figuring out what Instagram filter looks best on the local heirloom tomatoes in matching Wayfarers with a “coincidental” stroll past a puppy store. And before you know it, Sunday Funday is nothing but a distant memory and you suddenly know Down Dog isn’t a sex position– and rather than holding a beer in your hand, you have a latte with a heart in the foam.
Here are a couple quick go-tos if you find yourself in a bind.
1. Draw Up a Contract Pre-Contact
This is the safest method and ensures you are both on the same page in terms of what is about to happen from the start. The best time to do this is when you have her in an uncompromising position, as in she has committed to the bang sesh and it would cause a scene for her to flee it. Broads like to appear “drama free” which is like saying sharks are cuddly creatures of the sea–bull sh*t…but take advantage of it, if she wants to throw down that card, play it. Lay down the terms of the contract while in the cab back to her place, in the elevator up to her apt/walk to her door, while she’s sitting on your lap at her room, etc. See what you did here, you swooped her up and are now going to contract it out to avoid any foul-play or negligence from either party. The contract should consist of 2 main items:
A. Level of Commitment: “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, let’s just have fun.” You obviously say this while mackin with her, so she remembers the ride she is about to go on.
B. Action Plan: “I have an early morning tomorrow, so I should probably sleep at my place tonight. “ You could throw in an “I wish I could stay,” in the beginning – trust me, when she tells the story of the night to her friends it will start with “Well, he said he really wished he could stay, but he had an early morning.” It will buy you some points with her friends, who will no doubt judge you for using their friend as a slam piece doormat.
Your early morning can consist of: work, a test you need to study for, community service, grocery store before the rush hits, really anything works.
Why This Move: This gets you out of the post fuck “get to know you” chat. The only thing that was interesting about this girl was how she looked in reverse cowgirl, and now that you DaVinci cracked that code there is nothing left to talk about. Oh, I’m sorry…did you give a shit about where she grew up, where she went to college and what she majored in….is that why you banged her within 2 hours of meeting her – to get to know her?
Note: This move pretty much only works if you are going back to her spot – because once she is in your bed she has bought a one way ticket to cuddle town – as no broad wants to look like a hooker by condemning herself to the walk of shame at 3AM. It’s going to be tough to seem like a “nice guy” while saying “here’s 10 bucks, why don’t you grab a cab, I have an early morning” – if you never want to see
her again and rotate her out, this will serve as a shortcut.
2. Family Obligation
What can ya do, you’re a family man. What kind of heartless broad would guilt you out of family time…. even if it is a slight exaggeration of the casual 5 minute phone call you will eventually make to mom. A grandparent related event is your OJ Simpson style Get Out of Jail Free Card, as there is no argument she can make to keep you from spending time with grandparents. Their time on this earth is precious in the same way your mid twenties Sunday are precious; they're limited, and time is of the essence.
Why This Move: If you failed to negotiate a contract and you find yourself waking up to pink sheets and pictures of Marilyn Monroe on the walls, you’re going to want to get out of there before there is any mention of day plans. Or do you mean to tell me you want to go to endless mimosas with the girls and talk about how there are no good men left? If you state it with the right element of surprise that you let yourself pass out and blend it with some sincerity, you’re home free – “Oh f*ck, I can’t believe I slept over, I have my grandma’s 90th birthday party today – it was fun, but I gotta get goin.”
Note: Be sure to only use specific numeric birthdays once per girl, because true story – you’re grandma only turns 90 once – and if you f*cked this girl, she will remember why you left so quick, she wants a reason to justify that it wasn’t her – and you gave her one. Don’t be surprised if you get a mid-afternoon text asking how the celebration is.
3. “X” Professional Game
Your team is playing! If a babe doesn’t respect the deep relationship a bro has with his team, let’s go ahead and retire that hook up – hang it in the rafters bro. If you are about to miss the Lakers for a couples trip to the grocery store to pick out organic hummus it’s time to take advantage of the year 2012 and utilize the Fake A Call app (there is a free version) (http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/fake-a-call/id294415285?mt=8)
Why This Move: This is a move you can even pull at your homebase by waking up and throwing on your Jeremy Lin jersey and saying, “Gotta get to Mike’s house for the game, it’s bad luck if all the boys aren’t there on time.” Side note, careful with your wording here, the phrase “all the boys” in place of “we’re” is clutch, as she might take the use of we as a couple’s term.
Sports are a realm where we have a justified reason for “crazy” superstitions. I mean Christ on a bike, we still parade around in what is essentially a costume with our favorite player on the back holding onto our dreams of stepping onto NBA hardwood with Eye of the Tiger playing in the Staples center. We say phrases like “we got this, great work by us” even though we never touch the ball…but by wearing this jersey is it my team damn it and she will respect “My Team.”
Note: The “down” girl. This is the girl who is going to throw down the one sports fact she knows, such as “LeBron has no 4th quarter” to make you think she can hang with the boys, drink pitchers of beer and scarf wings. To this I say two things:
A. Have you ever said to yourself “I’m so glad I slammed the girl eating her 24 th wing, I’m so stoked she can drink and entire pitcher to herself,”… you’ve probably said this as often as your mom has told you to drink more tequila while driving.
B. Even my deaf, blind grandmother knows LeBron has no clutch and therefore got an automatic transmission in his Mazaradi; she will state some variation of this fact 10 times throughout the day, it’s all she’s got – ask her what team LeBron plays for. Case and Point.
4. You’re Moving
And you need to clean your house so people can see your place and you need to be there to show people around. This has you tied up all day. Everyone can relate to this, even the most bat shit girl, because she had to move out of Theta at some point in her life – sure daddy probably did most of it for her, but she watched so she gets the process…ish.
Why This Move: Like the pro sports, this can be pulled at your homebase. As no girl wants to meet anyone on her way out the door from a one night stand – broads like to think they have dignity and would rather not meet a family of four with 4 inch stilettos in their hand and Kiss-style make up down their face. And if you see her again you can always just say – “Takes time to find a good place, signed for another year.”
Note: You’re good.
5. Call Her the Wrong Name
If you never want to see her again call her the wrong name either post bang or if you were too drunk to make it home, in the AM. The AM stings even more; because in her eyes you spent the night, when really you just passed out due to 12 rounds with Jose Cuervo that were backchased with IPA – it could’ve been an alleyway outside of KFC for all you care. Follow this line up with “Sorry that’s the name of my ex, having a tough time moving on.”
Why This Move: She had no game in bed, used too much teeth for your liking was or total freak or bat sh*t and you never want to have contact with this broad again. No girl wants to compete with the ex you pictured while plowing her.