We Ranked Every Pumpkin Product Worst To Best And, Yes, All Of These Products Actually Exist

by 1 year ago
Pumpkin Pringles

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It’s fucking pumpkin time, people! Oh you didn’t know? Well you must have stopped opening your eyes sometime in the last couple weeks because pumpkin is getting infused into everything — from cookies and yogurt to air fresheners and dog shampoos.

In an effort to remain the authority on all things absolutely pointless, we’ve compiled a ranking of the best and worst pumpkin-related products available.

A Definitive Ranking Of Pumpkin Products From Worst To Best

Pumpkin Spice Hummus — you know what would make these crushed up fart beans even more delicious? Somehow making them taste like a fucking cheeseburger, but since that’s not possible, sure let’s go with pumpkin.

Pumpkin Hershey Kisses — I’d try these if opening Kisses wasn’t like having a second job. From the unwrapping, to the hours spent picking up the piles of shrapnel and Hershey flags, Hershey Kisses are the most labor-intensive candy of all time. Do you know why the little Hershey flags are white? Because eating Kisses is like telling society “I’ve given up on buying actual candy and I’m settling for these gnome turds of tastelessness.”

Pumpkin M&M’s — I wouldn’t eat the candy but I’d bang that M&M chick. Probably bust a nut inside her. CANDY JOKES!

Pumpkin Yogurt — Luckily I’m lactose and bullshit intolerant.

Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn — the Halloween candy you threw at people as a child has a new flavor. As long as it goes as far in the air…

Pumpkin Oreos — I’m not sure how to make this more clear to the Nabisco people. STOP. FUCKING. WITH. OREOS. The next time a suit in a board meeting brings another Oreo flavor to the table I want someone at Nabisco to stand up, rip a phone cord out of a wall, and start choking that son of a bitch.

Pumpkin Dog Treats — companies are creating flavor profiles for foods intended for a species that eats their own shit ON PURPOSE.

Pumpkin as pet name — unless a woman is your mom, never let her call you pumpkin. “Hey pumpkin, want to get some dinner?” “Hey avocado tits, I already ate!” See how that feels?

Pumpkin as a Halloween costume — you better be 2 years old or hiding from the cops showing up in a pumpkin costume. Have some self worth.

Pumpkin Marshmallow Peeps — whatever happened to certain foods and candies only being available during a specific time of year. Peeps should only be available for purchase at Easter. Christ died for our sins, not so you fat asses can have marshmallow animals in the winter.

Pumpkin Candles — scented candles are enjoyable for an hour, tops, then they all start to get nauseating. Instead of lightening candle how about you clean your filthy house?

Pumpkin Air Freshners — “Do pumpkins live in this house, Betty, because it sure smells like it in here! It’s devine. You can’t even tell I just took a hot dump in your downstairs powder room! You don’t have a downstairs bathroom? Hmm. Must have been the washing machine then.”

Pumpkin Pringles — the tennis ball packaged chips just got more vomit-inducing. I bet the guy on the can is into child porn. He just has that look.

Actual Pumpkins — Seriously, fuck pumpkins. They’re the only fruit that, on the whole, are fucking useless. Like an apple is an apple. You can eat an apple. You can’t just eat a pumpkin. Even with the skin off, you can’t just sit down and gnaw on some pumpkin. I mean you can but you’d be labeled a fucking animal. The actual pumpkin is only good for one thing — smashing against the front doors of people who don’t take their pumpkins off the front porch by December.

Pumpkin Pop Tarts — Because something in a Pop Tart should be recognizable as a food.

Pumpkin gum — Masks the onions you had for lunch but will make it seem like you gave a blowjob to a gourd.

Pumpkin-Flavored coffee — Sure, whatever makes the morning easier.

Pumpkin-Flavored beers — Sure, whatever makes the morning easier.

Pumpkin-Flavored Vodka — Sure, whatever makes your mom easier.

Pumpkin Jell-O — There’s a Cosby joke in here somewhere. Go ahead and make it yourself.

Pumpkin-Flavored Coffee Creamers — Ever drink this stuff straight? I have. I’ve seen some low points in life.

Pumpkin Mini-Wheats — best enjoyed in a bowl filled with pumpkin-flavored coffee creamer. Low points, my friends. Low points.

Pumpkin Cinnabons — I’m not sure whether to eat these or stick my dick in them and TOO LATE I BURNED THE TIP OF MY PENIS!

Pumpkin Ice Cream — Perfect for eating or cooling the tip of a burnt dick.

Pumpkin Four Loko — For people who just want to stay up all night and watch the world fucking burn.

Chris Illuminati is on Twitter. Go look.


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