Does Bad Kissing Mean Bad Sex, Donating Sperm for Cash, and Hiding a Boner in Gym Shorts

By 03.22.12

Q. I've been seeing a guy, he waited three dates to kiss me. And I think I know why! He's so nice and charming but a horrible kisser. He has a kind of snake-like poking tongue when he kisses. What do I do? Can I tell him? Should I be scared that a bad kisser means a bad lay?

A. If he’ll actually suck in bed is a toss up – impossible to say, case-by-case basis kind of thing — but it sounds to me like he’ll tongue your snatch like a goddamn python. So that bliss is in the pipeline. YAY!

I dated a girl who could’ve gone pro if sucking at kissing was a sport. I could have gotten more pleasure from kissing a hollow log or a cadaver. But her crotch, now that thing was a slice of heaven. So there is hope for him.

If you want to be with him it’s on you to fix him. I promise you he doesn’t know he sucks. He probably thinks the tornado move is lethal. If you don’t say anything, it’s you that’s going to suffer.

In the end, I couldn’t handle how bad the girl was at kissing and broke it off. It was a deal breaker and I wasn’t about to be the one to tell her. I guess other factors played a role, but my God was that a HUGE part of it. However, your situation’s different. Guys are different. We’re receptive to suggestions. Plus, chicks are able to twist things better. Where all I could probably muster is something blunt like, “Hey, dead mouth, how about you kiss me with some f*cking gusto from now on or show yourself the door,” girls can word things better and are able to say things like “be gentle” or “kiss me softer.” A guy could never get away with that.

Q. The other day I saw an ad for calling for sperm donors. Seemed legit and less intrusive that plasma. I’m pretty sure I need my plasma for something and would rather get punched in the throat than go near a needle. They say it pays $100 each time you donate and you can do it up to three times a week. I’m already jacking off like it's my day job so why not actually get paid? My only reservation is thinking there would potentially be little “me's” running around. I’m rad so that makes the world a cooler place in my opinion, but something still irks me about someone else fathering my offspring. Thoughts?

A. So three jerks per week at a $100 a jerk multiplied by 52 weeks in a year = $15,600.

Wow. I knew they paid you but is $100 really the street value for untainted loads of j*zz? If this is true then, well, f*ck me because I’ve wasted 15 years of my life — and lost a $234,000 nest egg — by jerking off into socks, tissues, shower drains, hand towels, toilet bowls, keyboards, empty soda cans, and human mouths. I’M RIFE WITH FURY over this revelation.

Then again, I’m probably too lazy to go to a spank bank every time I want to whack off (plus it's tough to reenact that accidental glance in the mirror that makes me want to f*ck myself). On top of that, I’m almost certain that you need to make that the only sexual activity/interaction you have and you can’t do drugs.

Donating all that sweet j*zz would be easier if you could send it in from home (I suspect we’d all be doing it, especially during a dry spell) but if you’re seriously considering it and you still harbor reservations after reading the math, then I don’t know what to tell you. Like you said, you’re whacking off anyway, why not make some cold hard cash for it? And you’re doing a public service; you’re helping to impregnate chicks that married losers who blow blanks. You're practically saving a marriage and preventing a murder/suicide if ya think about it.

Q. In your opinion, what is the best way to hide a boner? Especially in gym shorts.

A. Don’t stand up. If you get a boner at the gym sit down and stay down. Hunch over like you’ve just put your heart and soul into your last set. Then talk it off the ledge from there. Whatever you do don’t tuck the f*cker and expect your elastic waistband to keep it in place. One wrong move and that thing’s going to spring back into place like a goddamn diving board mid-set.


On a similar note, anyone else have a d*ck that’s completely allergic to using the recumbent bike at the gym? Every single time I try to ride it my c*ck and thigh make magic and the next thing I know I’m riding five miles with a thriving erection.

Q. What is the single best way to get a girl to do more with you (sexually)?

A. Single best way is to ask for it. She isn’t a mind reader and if she also isn’t dirty she probably won’t suggest, out of the blue, that you ram it in her a** or piss on her tonight. Most girls (not all) like to play it safe or seem innocent. It's up to you to give them a nudge.

If you’ve hooked up with the same girl a handful of times, chances are you already know everything she’s going to do in bed. She’ll take your d*ck out, she’ll give you a skin-grafting HJ from hell, she’ll blow you for three minutes, and then you’ll have sex. It becomes the routine… from night number one. For all you know that could be as kinky as she gets, but you’ll never get a girl to fart your j*zz out if you don’t ask.


Q. So this is a two-part question.

1) I keep getting rushed hard by the Phi Sigma Kappa fraternity at my school. They're a great bunch of guys and I can see myself fitting in. The problem here is I go to a small Christian School in Western Michigan and greek life is viewed like being an atheist or something similar… Anyways, should I join?


2) The other frats are just rushing me hard, every other frat Bro I meet keeps on saying my dues will be through the roof. Anyways, should I listen to these dues stories and possibly not join, or join the Phi Sigma Kappa and say suck it b*tches!?


A. So this is a three-part answer.

1) As long as you’re only pegged as an atheist and not a baby rapist I think you’ll be fine.

2) Easy fix for this is to just ask what the dues are. It’s not some fraternal secret that you can’t know until you join. “Welcome to our fraternity, now give us $5,000 and a gallon of your sperm.” It doesn’t work that way. Ask and they’ll tell you.

3) Please don’t ever say “suck it b*tches” out loud.


Q. I'm not sure how alone I am on this one, but I'm the opposite of what I hear from a lot of guys. Instead of busting my load too fast, it’s hard to get there at all. In fact, I have never finished from a BJ that I didn't “lend a hand” in, at least from the girls who have given it a try. So far, thankfully, sex is fine so long as I am the one doing the work, otherwise I don’t feel much. Am I supposed to be doing something? Am I simply jerking it too much (roughly three times a week)? Or is it a control thing where I have to be the one in charge?


A. You realize that you just re-wrote the first paragraph in every autobiography ever written by a male smut film star, don’t you? Textbook woe-is-me-my-penis-is-f*cking-awesome sob story. 

Sadly, there’s probably nothing more you can do to j*zz faster. You can quit jerking off, but if that doesn’t produce results then I doubt an alternative solution exists. Science doesn’t give a sh*t about guys like you. Nor should they.

So just accept that you’re cursed. Cursed with a d*ck that wants to be your ally instead of your mortal enemy. Forgive me if I save my tears, you son of a b*tch.

That concludes another week of utter nonsense. Follow me on Twitter and submit your Ask a Bro questions here.

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