Dope Bros Post Sick Craigslist Ad For Awesome Room in … Suburban Townhouse
Well, were, before I moved up to New York City in September. I lived on Oakland Street in Arlington, Virginia for three years, and would always walk my dog past these drunk guys, grilling out and sitting in their inflatable pool, which was no doubt filled with more piss and beer than water and think man, would I never want to live with those assholes. (Not because they are assholes, I mean they proabably are, but because I'm 30 and they are 24 and while I was once as perpetually intoxicated as they are, your desire for an inflatable pool in your front yard significantly plummets as you age.)
But the location is awesome. It takes less than ten minutes to get into D.C. from there and you are stumbling distance to some of the best bars in Arlington. So shoot them an email. Look how cool they are.
The guy in the back right is wearing a lax pinnie and a bowtie. That is next-level accoutre game. YOU COULDN'T HANDLE ME IF YOU TRIED, BRAH, is what that outfit screams, to men, women and employers alike.
Here's the full ad.
WOW, you hit the mother F@(*#'in jackpot when you clicked on this Craiglist ad, let me tell ya. Are you a male? are you a female? Doesn't really matter because this place and the people in it will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF, that's what matters. Here's the deal:
I know what your thinking – how is a spot THIS close to the metro so GODDAMN CHEAP?!? (0.3 miles from the VA Square Metro whaattt?!) Yeah, its insane, were still kind of in a honeymoon phase with the price as well (and no its not a scam). We stumble to and from the bars, peruse the local mall for people watching spots, drive to Harris Teet only a mile away, and what's this I see? a Golds gym like almost right adjacent to the place? Thank goodness, because I for one DO NOT want to do too much cardio before I get in that place.
Our front lawn would make you think you were at an all inclusive 5 star resort: We got: GRILLS, TIKI TORCHES, LAWN FURNITURE, FIRE PITS, GAMES and much much more. Oh you want to park your car? Yeah me too, most of us have cars because we LOVE the environment! =) Got you covered – 2 parking spots in back, plenty of street parking, we basically own all of the parking real estate around here. Living room – WE GOT ONE, n64 – YUP, Kitchen – OUTFITTED WITH KITCHENWARE (and I believe far too much tupperware), Washer/Dryer – IN HOUSE, Convertible Dining Room/Bar/Bike Storage Room/Fridge/Shoes/Mail – COOL! Oh you want to know about the room dont you, well hold your damn horses, the room HAS ITS OWN BATHROOM, say whaattttt!? I dont even get that in my own room, shit.
Four 23-25 (M) consultants. What do we do? Lots of cool shit, like work, outdoor stuff, various games, boating, happy hour, brunch, music festivals, sports, concerts, cooking, we literally do all that stuff etc etc borrrring.
Would you enjoy a nice front lawn pool this upcoming summer? If not, you NEED NOT RESPOND, because we will have one, thats for damn sure. Know how to take out the trash and do your own dishes? Yes? TEACH US (But really we're all pretty clean, not perfectionists though). Music, Hobbies, TV/Movie Taste? – HAVE SOME.
OK. focus for just like –>One<– second:
Because if you don't you haven't passed the first test – I WANT to reply to you if you're cool, so please make our jobs easier. This room will not be hard to fill, and considering that I am spending about an hour of my precious workday to write this novel of an ad, when you reply, send me something LEGIT about yourself that will SPRUCE UP MY LIFE. Got something funny? interesting? bio? facebook/linkedin page? a question? photos? videos? fun facts? would-you-rathers? challenges? jokes? bribes? – GIVE ME THAT $&#t. But I swear to god, DO NOT expect me to put in too much effort into my response. You don't need to spend a while on it, but just give me enough that I can differentiate you from all of the ordinary responses.
I know the craigslist grind can be a huge hassle and we're not going to do an open house or anything, but we will look through all of the emails and should get back to you within 2-3 days if we want to set up a time to meet, we are looking to get this filled ASAP. If I don't respond within (2-3), I offer you my most sincere of apologies, but I would keep on trekking down the ol' Oregon Trail my freind, I wouldn't want to waste your time or ours if we just dont think it will work out.
– Captain Berliner and the Crew
Captain Berliner. How could you not want to live here?