How would I fake my own death, you ask? Simple. First I would go find a body, preferably one that’s dead, and then glue a photocopy of my face onto its face (note that I said “its,” meaning that the body could be male or female. I’m not picky). Then I’d take said body and throw it into a pit of alligators at a zoo somewhere. The more crowded the zoo, the better. I want lots of people to see my fake death and verify that it was definitely me who died and not an already-dead body with a sheet of paper that looked like me stuck to its face.
Now if you think that’s a bad idea, grab your laptop and sprint to the bathroom because I’m about to make you shit bricks with a faking death story that’s even worse than that one.
“[Tucker] Blandford wanted to call off his engagement to British fiancee Alex Lanchester. The two had met in college in Connecticut when Lanchester was studying in the States for a year. They got engaged last year before Lanchester returned home at the end of semester, and their plan was to get married in Connecticut last week.
Apparently getting cold feet and unable to face the conversation himself, Tucker decided to fake his own death to get out of the engagement…he called Lanchester himself, assuming a fake voice and pretending to be his father, to tell his fiancee that he was dead.
‘Alex, this is Tucker’s dad,’ he told her. ‘There’s no easy way to say this… I am sorry to say that Tucker is dead.’ Alex says Tucker went on to say he’d been ‘suffering from depression and had thrown himself in front of a car.’
Understandably, she freaked out. She then called Tucker’s mother to give condolences and was doubly shocked to learn that she had no idea what Alex was talking about and that Tucker was indeed alive and well.”
Pretending to be your dad on the phone? It’s so dumb it’s…it’s almost genius. But by “genius” I mean…
Sorry Tucker, better luck not-killing yourself next time.
[H/T Death And Taxes]