“Love is complicated” begins this piece over at Elite Daily and it’s about to get very uncomplicated because the author feels it only takes five questions to figure out if you should dump your woman.
I’ve decided to play along and answer his questions giving examples from my own life. I’ve been with my wife for seven years (nine when factoring in dating).Here are the author’s five questions. If I don’t answer “YES!” to these, I’m supposed to dump her. Let’s see if I should go home and tell the kids they’re getting a new mom.
1. Has your life drastically improved since you met her? (No)
2. Do you smile every time you see her, think of her and talk to her? (No)
3. Can you talk to her for hours on end without getting bored or feeling awkward? (No)
4. Is she there for you? (Sometimes)
5. Has she opened up to you and let you into her life? (No, but I haven’t to her either)
I’m already packing her bag. I’m joking. Those questions are bullshit. I’ll explain my answers and why answering “yes” or “no” to those questions means absolutely zero in your relationship.
1. My life hasn’t improved drastically since we’ve been together. To assume a person’s life “drastically” gets better means either a) their life was the shits to begin with b) they’re the type of person who believes only a relationship gives their life value and meaning (and those people are a notch above psychos) or c) she’s insanely rich and you were dirt poor. My life is better. I married the right person. But my life was fine before she came along, so was her life, and now it’s good but in a different way. Only crazy people have a drastically better life because of another person.
2. Love is complicated. ‘Memba? It was the first line of the fucking article. Sometimes I hate her face, her voice, her laugh and the fact I’ve got to unlock the door and let her in the house at night. She feels the same way sometimes (possibly all the time). I’m no picnic even if my shirt does look like a fucking tablecloth. There’s the good and the bad and if you think relationships are all good, all the time, you’re living in a rom com. I take that back. Even couples in rom coms go through bumps. You’re living in a Hallmark card.
3. We could never talk for hours because we’re not 12-year-old tweens. Even as a kid you really didn’t “talk on the phone” for hours. Most of it was long patches of silence with your finger on the mute button trying to take a dump.Talking for hours is the most ridiculously unimportant quality in a relationship. I fucking love comedy. I couldn’t even talk to Chris Rock or Jim Gaffigan for hours and I consider those guys to be idols. “So, yeah, life huh? How are your kids, Jim? I got nothing here, it’s been hours. Do the Pop Tart bit again and I’ll hang up.” After a while, couples needs to shut up and not talk to one another.
4. She’s there for me as much as another human can be but sometimes you just need to figure shit out on your own. If I was in trouble, absolutely, she’d be there in a second. The article asks “Is she someone who supports you, motivates you and keeps you on track?” WTF? Is she my life coach or my wife? “Did you work on your book today, dear?” “NO! PISS OFFF! I was pulling a conversation out of Jim Gaffigan for half the afternoon! The guy isn’t exactly personable.” Her and I know when to say to one another “yo, you got this, but if you need me I’ll be on the couch.”
5. The wife knows more about me than any other human being. But she doesn’t know everything. If she knew everything she’d leave tomorrow. We all hide some sick, twisted shit deep inside. It’s best not to let it come out. She shouldn’t tell me everything either. Saying or admitting too much is the single easiest way to extinguish the spark. Revealing to much is like taking a piss on a love candle.
Now, since you’ve read this so far, you’re probably wondering “what are the questions I should be asking?” Well, all you really need is a gut feeling either way (it’s NEVER wrong) but fine, if you’re one of those people who needs a website to tell you it’s kosher to dump person, I’ll play along.
Here are my five questions. If you answer “YES!” to all five of my questions, it’s time to cut bait. Also, don’t be so damn happy about it.
- Have you ever, did you ever, or will you ever cheat on her?
- Do the two of you spend more time apart than together on purpose?
- If she mentions “forever”, do you want to vomit?
- Someone asks “what do you love most about her?”, is the first answer that comes to mind her looks?
- Does she take lists on the internet very, very seriously?
Yes? Yes to all five? Whoa. Good luck, bro. Let her down easy. You can crash at my place until the heat dies down.
Chris Illuminati is a senior editor with BroBible and writer of the Ask A Bro column. Follow him on Twitter or read more of his work here.