Boston Bomber’s Relatives Tell Jury He Cried During ‘The Lion King’

 

The relatives of Boston Bombing prick, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, testified today at his federal death penalty trial. According to the Moscow Times, his Russian cousins harped on his kindness, to which the prosecuting rebutted with asking whether or not they consider bombing innocent people is an act of kindness #boomroasted.

Raisat Suleimanova, Tsarnaev’s first cousin, described Dzhokhar as so gentle he cried when he watched The Lion King with his aunt. Assistant U.S. Attorney William Weinreb then aggressively scrutinized Raisat’s claim by posing questions on whether or not she now views her cousin as gentle. Tsarnaev’s lawyer objected, and she never answered the question.

16 FBI agents have been tasked to guard and protect Tsarnaev’s relatives while they are in the States.

(Disclaimer: I cried during The Lion King.)

What a fucking softie! Dude, if you’re going to cry during a cartoon movie, you have no place in the murder business. Become an accountant or a blogger. Because you know what’s sadder than Mustafa dying in a fictional fantasy land? Yep, you guessed it! Bombing a fucking marathon. I vote to keep him alive and just constantly loop The Lion King in his 3×3 cage, feeding him only small portions of tiger meat until he dies sad and alone.

[H/T Moscow Times]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.