Elin Woods Isn’t Going Anywhere, Plus the First Batch of Tiger Jokes

By 12.02.09

Consider this your 5:10 p.m. Tiger Woods update. First, the serious stuff: The Chicago Sun Times is filling in some details about what might happen next between Elin Woods and her husband, and although most are guessing a divorce is inevitable, that might not be the case:

Also, don't look for Woods' wife, Elin, to be moving out of the couple's Windermere, FL., mansion anytime soon. The links legend's spouse is reportedly being paid a hefty seven-figure amount — immediately transferred into an account she alone controls — to stick with her husband. On top of that, my source indicated Elin Nordegren Woods, the mother of Tiger's two children, has demanded — and is getting — a total rewrite on the couple's prenuptial agreement making the incentives for her to remain Mrs. Tiger Woods even more enticing. At this point, the couple needed to remain married for 10 years in order for Woods' wife to collect a splitsville settlement of $20 million. I'm being told that time frame has been shortened — and the dollar amount increased “substantially.”

* * * Now on to the funny stuff. The jokes being sent around via emails keep landing in our inbox, so we thought we'd throw them up on the site. We're not really editing them in any way, so we're not saying these are all zingers. But here's what's out there:

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5.”


We now see that Tiger Woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Why did Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Did you hear that Nike wants to drop their endorsement, apparently Tigers balls go everywhere.

What's the difference between Tiger's Escalade and his pitching wedge? He can hit his wedge over water hazards and trees.

What do Tiger Woods and seals have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

Why was Tiger's wife mad at him? She heard that he played around in Australia.

It turns out that fixing Tiger's game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

Why was Tiger's wife so suspicious? The Golf Channel said that he had been working with an extra-stiff shaft in between rounds of his last tournament.

Help Wanted: New Caddy for pro golfer. Must be better at helping the pro avoid trees than the last Caddy was.

What the difference between Tigers car driving and his short game? He can back up a wedge.  

Why don't golf courses have fire hydrants? Tiger Woods.

And we see Tiger lining up for the 19th hole…

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family–his new name?: Cheetah.

Tiger Woods apparently is giving up pro golf. He was rumored saying 'My putting is still good, but I keep driving into the trees.'

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


* * * Also, Spirit Airlines got on the Tiger bandwagon pretty quickly:  * * * And, via Hot Clicks, play the Tiger Woods Wife Outrun Game.


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