Congrats, you’ve gotten her back to your place! To truly seal the deal, make sure you’ve covered some of the more basic aspects of interior decorating so she doesn’t mock your apartment over unlimited mimosas the next morning. Or even worse, gets sketched out and leaves altogether.
Fear not, for I’ve outlined some foolproof Bro decorating tips below.
For the love of God have something bigger than a full sized bed
To be perfectly honest, I have a full sized bed. But I also live in Manhattan, write for a living, and am a fairly small person. In plainer terms the size of my bedroom makes my mother viscerally upset. But I digress, if you’re bringing a chick back it’s in your best interest to have at least a queen sized bed. Hell, a king would be fabulous so you don’t even have to be near each other when you sleep. Contrary to popular opinion, girls don’t really care about spooning when we’re trying to get some shut-eye. Both parties are happier when we don’t have to come into contact with each other during REM cycles — we have brunch plans in the morning, let’s not make our hangovers worse than they’ll inevitably be by adding on a crappy night’s sleep.
Throw your keys and loose change in a leather catchall
Catchalls are one of more inconspicuous but defining pieces of a bro’s bedroom. They’re handsome, mature leather accessories meant to hold your keys, watch, wallet and loose change. Not only are they convenient and save you time in the morning when you’re hungover and desperately looking for your wallet, but help you feign adulthood and look like you have your shit together.
Effective Lighting
Walking into a dark apartment is sketchy. Walking into a pitch black bedroom is terrifying. Make the fairer guest more comfortable by routinely changing bulbs when they go out, which may sound like common sense but you’d be so, so surprised. Fluorescent lighting is not kind to anyone, so make sure to skip that along with red light bulbs. You’re not a porn star and alternatively colored bulbs scream ‘syphilis’ louder than your last girlfriend’s hair extensions.
Get a Bar Cart
If you have roommates (which is perfectly acceptable), having a small or full-sized bar cart in your room keeps all the activities in your small yet majestic domain. You don’t have to put on extra clothes to leave the premises, and there’s nothing more convenient than pouring yourself and guest a cocktail while she sits on your bed, drinking in the mature yet not too pretentious aesthetic of your room. Even when you don’t have guests, having a bar cart near your bed is pretty fun but I’m going to stop while I’m not even technically ahead.
Please have something on your walls
I used to date someone who had the most depressing room I have ever seen. It was Spartan in nature, “minimalist” if we’re going with his own optimistic spin on it. It was discombobulating to wake up in something that seemed so devoid of personality; I would go so far as to even say stifling. Throw some (framed) posters or photographs on your wall, anything to showcase your interests and taste. Your walls are a blank canvas, express yourself on them with something other the ubiquitous ‘Belushi wearing a COLLEGE sweatshirt’ though.
Invest in a decent quilt
Your bed will inevitably be the focal point of your room, so owning a decent quilt can really take your aesthetic from 0 to 100. Again, this all depends on your personal taste but you can’t go wrong with anything in the navy realm. Navy is mature, but more importantly dark navy hides stains. Get a heavier, down or feather-filled option because anything thin can be easily pulled to one side of the bed. And no one likes to wake up cold, angry and in the fetal position while the other person has full possession of the coveted quilt. Washing it once in a while helps too.