So for those of you that are wondering how I came to the point in the afternoon where I am literally getting paid to tell arguably the most embarrassing story of my entire life, you can thank the ‘McChicken’ video that is floating around on the internet. For those of you who missed that one, it’s a video of a dude using a McChicken as a fleshlight. No, I will not link to it. If you really want to see some dude stick his dick into a mayonnaise covered chicken patty, you can do that on your own time.
Before we start this story, I need to lay a little groundwork. I did not grow up in a technology-savvy household. I still don’t. My dad bought himself a tablet at Christmas time and I’m pretty sure the only time he ever uses it is when he’s drinking and that’s because he uses it as a coaster. We didn’t have a computer in our house until I was 13. My brother and I used to have to go to the local library to do school projects and had to muscle our way through a sea of 80 year-old white men typing with their two index fingers. And when we finally got the computer, my parents stuck it in the living room. Watching porn was a fucking nightmare. I never had an AIM or Myspace or any of that shit. I was way behind the times on everything. So when everyone was always making jokes about ‘Meatspin’ or ‘Lemon Party’, I literally didn’t have a fucking clue what they were talking about. So I was left completely out in the cold in regards to ‘Two Girls One Cup’, which, at the end of the day, really came back and bit me in the ass.
Growing up, I went to the local Catholic school one town over instead of my town’s public school. However, I did go to the town camp every summer, so I was friends with a bunch of those kids despite not going to school with them. One great thing about not going to school with them was, every summer, I was the most interesting guy in camp for no other reason than I hadn’t been around for nine months. Dudes wanted to be me and bitches wanted to be on me. Sure, once they got to know me, most people realized I wasn’t much more than a funny-looking white kid whose body looked like a used condom full of baby fat, but it still got me in the door at a lot of places. This was especially true in the beginning of the summer. It was like the honeymoon period of everyone treating me as if I had just returned from war when in reality I had simply spent the past nine months wearing a uniform to a school that was less than a mile away from theirs. It’s that honeymoon period that I found myself in when a gorgeous older girl invited me and my friend to hang out in her basement with her and her best friend, who also was gorgeous.
I was in 7th grade when all this happened, and these girls were 8th graders. That was big to me back then. They were almost high schoolers. The one chick apparently had kissed a high schooler that past year. Sure, now that I’m an adult, I would consider a high schooler locking lips with a 7th grade girl as borderline rape, but at the time it was dope. So I told my friend about the invite and he was all in. We were just 12 year old horndogs looking to get our braces stuck in some cutie’s blouse. So we threw on our nicest pair of sneakers and walked over to the girl’s house. We were greeted by her mom, who had made us lunch. That’s important.
At this point, I’m starting to get a little nervous. I’m chugging down glasses of milk in hopes that no one will notice the fact my right leg is shaking worse than a person with Parkinson’s sitting in a massage chair. After we finished our lunches, the girls invited us downstairs to play ping-pong, which I was hoping was code for letting me touch their boobs.
So we get downstairs and I see that her computer is down there. Her personal computer. So right away I’m dumbfounded. My 12 year-old mind immediately goes to how easy it would be to pump my stump in private. My friend must have been thinking the same thing, because he immediately says, “Is this where you watch ‘Two Girls One Cup’?” Everyone laughs except me because I literally had no fucking clue what they were talking about. So I ask what that is and everyone’s mind is fucking blown. They’re staring at me like my nose had just transformed into a 15 inch dick. And I don’t know why. So, because we were kids, the one chick gets an idea. To this day I can still pinpoint exactly when the idea struck her, because she got this smile on her face and this twinkle in her eye. She looked like Bin Laden must have looked when the first plane struck the towers. This chick says that, instead of telling me what it is, they’re going to show me. And there’s a catch. She said that for every minute me and my friend can successfully watch the video without turning it off, we would spend two minutes in the closet AKA Make-Out Central with the girls. And then, when they called dibs, the hotter girl chose me. So I’m all in at this point because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I just assumed the video was two girls sharing a drink or something.
I was so unprepared.
After about five seconds I knew I was fucked. After about seven seconds I knew that I was not making it a full minute through this video. After about nine seconds I had come to terms with that fact that this was probably my first and last opportunity to grab some booty and it just wasn’t going to happen. When they started eating the poop, I did the only logical thing anyone in my situation would. I threw up. Right there in her basement, right between my shoes. Lunch and all.
It was pretty amazing really. I somehow successfully got every drop of vomit directly onto the new carpet they had just put down in the basement. I’m not unconvinced I didn’t subconsciously aim that way. I think it was a full twenty seconds before anyone said anything. The two girls just stared at me with absolute loathing. I still have never been looked at with such hatred in my entire life. After like a full minute of me being stared at while I stood in my own vomit and the video continued to play in the background, the girl whose house it was went upstairs and got her mom. Her mom came down, comforted me and then called my mom to tell her that I had just gotten and sick and that I was heading home now. No one said anything. I didn’t get a “good bye” or a “feel better”. I just left. And that was it. That was the last time that chick ever spoke to me.
In hindsight, I think my biggest regret of the whole thing is that I didn’t try and steal a kiss from both the girls immediately after I threw up. They were so rooted in place they might not have even realized I was leaning in until my vomit-crusted lips were already on theirs. So, moral of the story, if you’re going to make out with some hot chica, don’t watch scat porn beforehand. Also, if the cutie is by chance reading this, 1) Hey girl I knew you’d find me and 2) I’m still very single and would love a second chance if the offer is still on the table.