Bro Just Found Out His Girlfriend Has a FURRY Fetish, Plus Would You Eat at a Taco Bell Buffet?
Q: I have found the love of my life but she has turned into world class crazy.
For the past year I have had the most amazing 9+ hottie as my exclusive and was considering her as permanent wife/mommy material until only recently. We met 2 years ago during an IT internship when I noticed her. Back then she was cute, very, very sweet but pudgy as really smart girls with low self esteem. I befriended her as she was obviously lonely and obsessed with anime in place of friends.
Flash forward: she lost the weight and traded thick glasses for LASIK surgery. As the pounds melted away she kept her DD on top and revealed amazingly toned legs. I was in love and she blossomed into a goddess. When we are out she attracts more eyes than any sane man might withstand but she is totally dedicated to me in all but one way: she is a furry. As a lonely girl into anime she developed an obsession with Japanese Kemodo, a type of severe furry fandom. She has a secret life through online groups dedicated to wearing animal costumes and furry 'culture' in which people are only real when they embrace the animal within.
She shared this with me only recently. I am, as she puts it, a 'mundane' normal man but she believes I might one day share her obsession.
Bro, she is amazing in so many ways and I tried to understand this side of her. I understand how a once lonely shy girl might gravitate to an online fantasy world of like people. I even went to a gathering of furries where I was shocked by the bizarre collection of neurotic freaks she called 'friends'.
Bro, what do I do?
A: Some people might accuse bloggers of not doing any research. That accusation is generally correct (I made blind assumptions just yesterday to the chagrin of everyone; you'd swear you people paid a subscription to read BroBible how heated some of you fuckers got), but for this… for your furry fetish having lady…I put in the time. I punched the proverbial clock. I sat through minutes of wicked furry porn to see what all the buzz is about.
My conclusion: I'd rather have conversations and watch slideshows about miscarriages every day for the rest of my life than watch that shit ever again. And the worst part of Googling Furry Porn, you ask? Well, that has to be the act of actually Googling Furry Porn, because now it is seared into my computer's history FOREVER. I can clear my history and my cache but that shit is somewhere, deep in the bowels of this machine where I can't get to. And if I commit a heinous crime and the authorities seize my computer they will certainly use this against me. No one will believe my excuse that it was “work-related.” Oh my god. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!
But enough about the PTSD this experience is giving me.
So what do you do? GAAAAAAHHHHHH. WHAT DO YOU DO?
Honestly, it beats the shit out of me. She wants you to change, you probably want her to change (blind guess), something has to give. One of you needs to cave for this relationship to pan out. The problem with that is even if she agrees to leave the furry world behind there is always the chance she goes back into it behind your back because SHE LOVES IT. That's like my wife asking me to stop listening to Pearl Jam. I may be able to abstain for a while, but that seed was planted long ago and you can't just give up listening to full-bodied Vedder cold turkey. That's how suicide happens. But what other choice do you have? Join her cult?
This is such a tough dec……dump her. That's it. Throw her back to the Furries. Let her run with her kind. She's one of them now. You go and you find yourself a nice wholesome girl who's idea of adventurous is your index finger tip-deep in her asshole while you hit it from the missionary position for the thousandth time.
Problem solved. Thrilled I could help.
Q: Bro, my girlfriend suffers from a dry vagina. I can barely get her wet. She claims it's not my fault, but what do I do?
A: Having sex is like eating a Fun Dip, nothing good happens when it's dry ©.
Assuming this problem really is on her and you're not just a below-average love maker, you need to find a way to saturate that parched puss.
Your two options are natural (spit, pre-cum, toilet water, etc.) or chemical (KY Jelly, Astroglide, etc.).
I haven't field tested every product on the market, because buying personal lubricant is HORRIFYING. It's right up there with walking up to the counter with an economy-size tube of Preparation-H. Might as well have “without this my asshole breathes fire” stamped on your forehead while you walk to the counter to make that purchase.
Hey! Here's a GIF of some tittaaaays.
I call that move the “lean wit it, rock wit it.”
Q: What's the best way to go about asking a guy to be friends with benefits? I'm a 21 year old chick and I've been banging this guy for about a month. Total man meat, unreal in bed. We've slept together about 8 times (more often than not we're drunk as fuck). We have the same friend group. He's a sarcastic asshole like me so we get along really well. He's told me he likes me a lot. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I do like him. I'm not sure how to go about asking to be exclusive fuck buddies without him thinking I'm dying to be his main bitch. It might scare him off or make him cling, both of which I don't want. Mostly I don't want to lose the best dick I've ever had, and I figured a real Jabroni like yourself would know how to go about this.
A: EGADS. The mouth on you! Not going to lie, I'm a little turned on…
You should literally flip a few words around in your email to me and just send it to him. Shoot him straight. That won't scare him away. He'll love hearing that he's “total man meat” and that his dick brightens your day.
There's only three things that can happen from you coming clean. He wants exactly what you want, your honestly will cause him to repress his real feelings (if they exist) just so he can keep fucking you, or if he has no feelings he'll just say, “Yeah, ok. Lets do this.” while he tries to fuck other chicks behind your back, because you don't own him.
All I see is upside.
Q: How much would you pay to eat at a Taco Bell buffet?
A: Jesus Christ, you've got my imagination running wild. Why does this not exist yet? I need it. AMERICA NEEDS IT.
Answer to the question: My Life Savings. Because money will no longer be an object to me. If I walk in there, I intend to leave in a fuckin' body bag. Cause of death: Bold Flavors.
Q: Been a longtime reader. I work in IB at a big name bank, and since most of your stuff is NSFW, I can't wait to get home and read em. Anyway, to my question. If some chick mouths off to you, (in college, or at a bar), how do you defend yourself? If you are friends with their friends because some of them are hot, and your guy friends hang out with them too, how do you tell this one girl of the group to fuck off properly? It's not like we have past history or anything, she just genuinely hates me. I'm for sure not gonna buckle down and ask what's wrong and try to settle this quarrel. I want to lash back at her for sure, but without getting all of her hot friends which I like, mad at me. How do I handle this situation? Thanks bro.
A: NSFW—Me? Get the fuck out of here, you QueefDick, I barely curse these days…
Ignore her. Act as if nothing she says even bothers you. Don't kill her with kindness or anything, just pretend she doesn't exist. In fact, pretend that the best case scenario happened and she ate herself to death at a Taco Bell buffet. (God, that is such a good idea.)
Dragging yourself down to her level will only make you look like shit to the other girls. You know who they are going to flock to the moment you start ripping into her and you bring up something REAL, like her father abandoning her family or her outrageous BMI. The waterworks will start and you'll look like the asshole. No matter what she said to you, you will have taken it too far. And while the other chicks console her, you'll be left in the corner still hating her but now because she's a sensitive piece of fat shit AND a cunt. Diabolical combination.