My Long Distance Girlfriend is Looser Than I Remember, Is She Cheating on Me? Plus Other Drivel
Q: So I've been dating this girl for about 15 months now, and we are both freshman in college at different schools. I visited her recently, and I noticed that she was a little looser than I had remembered. Does that mean she is cheating? And if yes, then how do I go about bringing that up? (Obviously to end it). Or is my memory just not reliable?
A: I nearly spit my coffee out when I read this question. I was expecting some sob story about how much you miss your girlfriend and how you are thinking about transferring to be with her, but then I got hit in the face with loose pussy—only time in my life that was a pleasant surprise.
More than just your memory could be in play here. And I have a few ideas, albeit some are less feasible than others, as to what’s going on in your girlfriend’s pants.
Option 1: She’s a Whore
Yes, she could be cheating—that happens when you go to separate colleges—and if she is, you now know that dude’s dick grossly outsizes yours (tough break and shit). But it’s still the first semester so maybe this isn’t the case. Although as much as you don’t want to believe it, this option is only going to get more plausible as the years go on.
Option 2: She’s Turned to Toys
She misses you. Terribly, in fact. Instead of cheating, she just became the proud owner of a gigantic dildo and she’s been going at it so hard she’s ruined the elasticity of that spritely little vagina you’ve grown to love.
Option 3: The weather
How was the humidity when you went to visit? Was it high? A lot of moisture in the air? What I'm saying is if high humidity can expand the doors in my apartment during the summer so they don't fucking close, I have to believe it could do a number on your lady's yumzone.
Option 4: You’ve lost weight causing your fingers and dick to become emaciated.
Option 5: You’re paranoid
Probably this. Long distance blows and you’re thinking that she is doing the worst because you’ve had more than your fair share of temptation to hook up with other chicks, or you already know of other freshman chicks at your school that have cheated on their long distance boyfriends. Paranoia is a bitch, because there is no way to know what she's doing from a distance. And there is also no way of asking her why her vagina has some extra slack. Even I don't have the balls to bring that up without other evidence. So you need to either trust her or break up and start enjoying the next four years at your own school.
Q: Dear Top Bro,
So I go to a well-known Catholic university where the girls are known to be somewhat manly. I've got a bro who hangs out with this chick who is just a complete dime piece and here that's a rare find. She wants the D all the time and she keeps coming onto him, even going so far as bringing her own condoms over so he wouldn't have an excuse. He finally came out and told her that he wasn't having sex until marriage…? Anyways he's made abundantly clear to back off and that he's interested in a relationship with this chick, but if he's not DTF and she wants it any time she can get it, do DIBS really apply?
A: She wants fucked and all he's got to offer is fingered, huh? Hmm… If she's his girlfriend then stay away, but if she's not, and she comes barking up your tree, you let her sit on the branch.
Not knocking on the guy's religion or beliefs to not have sex, but with that dick appetite she's going stray eventually. Plus, she's not his girlfriend and calling dibs is for children, the right to sit shotgun, and the first use of the shitter after a big meal—for real, don't be an asshole, honor that call.
Q: Background: So my best friend and I met these girls about a month ago, he got one, I got the other. They're total sluts, but yet, he wanted to wife the one immediately. She stopped talking to him because she didn't want that. I was still hanging out with these girls, he said he was over it and didn't care. Fast forward to last weekend and I got incredibly drunk and banged the one he originally had after he previously said he didn't want anything to do with her. He now will not talk to me and completely ignores my existence.
Question: How wrong is what I did? Is he overreacting? And am I wrong in thinking that sluts are never a reason to get mad at someone, especially your best friend?
A: Even though this is a slightly different situation than the previous question, a whore is a whore is a whore. You probably did him a favor because if she actually dated him, it would only end in him getting hurt.
Moral of the story: you can paint a trashcan to look pretty but it's still a fuckin' trashcan…Your Bro needs to open his eyes and recognize that.
Q: So I'm a sophomore in college, and I met this freshman girl whose drop dead gorgeous through a friend. Well we got to talking about everything and flirting, and we're at this party, and she was grinding up all on me the entire night. Anyways we left, and came back to the party, and my friend cock-blocked me, and I was so pissed, I almost punched him in the face. When we were leaving he was all touchy feely with her. He left to go back to his apartment, and I said good bye to her. That next morning she texted me saying that she doesn't like my friend, even though he likes her. So what do you think of this scenario, do you think she likes me or what do you think of this?
A: That's a green light if I ever saw one. She recognized what your friend (the deadbeat leach) was trying to do. He succeeded in blocking you that night, but her subsequent text was her way of saying “Forget Captain Baby Dick, it's you that I want inside me, Bruce.”
I know, I know, sometimes I even surprise myself how accurate my guessed quotes probably are.
Q: I've been hooking up with this girl the last 3 weekends. Looks wise, she's a hard 8. Personality wise, she's an apple. Phenomenal body, the sex is great… but EVERY SINGLE time she enters the room it smells like Maple Syrup. It's not her vagina, its not her clothes (and no she does not have pancake nipples). It's such a strong aroma of maple syrup. Everyone in a 15 foot radius notices. Now it's the only thing I can focus on. Any thoughts/suggestions?
A: Because I'm thorough, and have no clue where this chick's stench stems from, I decided to research this. The first thing I noticed were the INCREDIBLE results when you type “girlfriend smells like” into Google.
My girlfriend smells like poop is the number one search result! That's amazing. And kind of concerning that so many people think their girlfriend smells like shit.
Anyway, after that, I found something about humans stinking like Aunt Jemima. I can't say what your girl's issue is but people attributed the smell to a few things. First, was Quaker's Weight Control Instant Oatmeal, the maple & brown sugar one in-particular. Second, was Fenugreek, a plant whose seeds are most often used as a spice in curry and rice dishes. Third was MSUD, which is short for Maple Syrup Urine Disease (no shit, this is a real thing) which is metabolic disorder of branched chain amino acids that causes a persons piss to smell like syrup. Fourth was being so poor that she needs to use a empty syrup bottle as a dildo.
No, just kidding, she probably has urine disease.
Q: I have two questions in one.
1) I you could only drink 1 type of beer for the rest of your life which one would it be?
2) Would you rather have 1 year of everyday the best sex of your life, each day better than the last and then nothing for 50 years, or a lifetime of sex whenever you want, but always crappy at best?
A: Honestly, I’m not much of a beer snob; I prefer the usual suspects. Although I’ll admit, I hate Miller Light with the abhorrence of a thousand little Hitlers. That beer tastes like metallic shit and they stole that Vortex idea from Nerf, something that still doesn't sit well with me… But if I had to pick just one beer to drink in perpetuity I’d probably take Corona (or Land Shark).
As for your second question, I think I speak for men everywhere when I say I’d take dreadful sex forever than only one year of the best earth has to offer. Knowing myself, I’m better off taking quantity over quality because I’d have probably squandered that year when I was young, opting to cash it in when I was a know-nothing, stiff-dicked, seventeen-year old prematurely blowing loads all over town. And also, I imagine having sex for a year and never again comes with the one lasting side-effect of the unyielding urge to BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT.