How Long Is Too Long to Go Down on a Girl, Plus Being a ‘Man of Honor’ in a Wedding

by 6 years ago

Q. So this guy at my college was said to have ate out his girl for 25 minutes straight. Is that too long? This guy’s pretty cool, but he is also kind of weird.

A. Ooof! That's a long stint in the hole. I hope he packed a lunch.

You've got to be well conditioned, both physically and mentally, before you try to pull off a labor-of-love, box eating sesh like that. If you go into that unprepared, tomorrow will slap you in the face with a stiff neck and a tongue that oddly feels dislodged. Can’t tell you how many times I sh*ttily ate box in high school and woke up with the under part of my tongue feeling like I sprained it beyond repair. Luckily, I’ve long since learned how to tongue bath a chick’s yumzone.

Verdict: Just because he’s down there — giving it his best, I’m sure – it doesn’t mean he’s doing it right. I mean, if it takes you longer than an entire episode of “Entourage” to get a girl off from eating her snatch, you're either a f*cking hound for puss juice OR you’re doing something wrong OR her sh*t is broken. And quite honestly if he does suck at it, she’s a monster for allowing the circus to continue.

Q. My buddy just asked me if it would be OK to be his sisters “man of honor” at her wedding. She wants him to stand on her side with the rest of the bridal party because the groom’s side is all full.

He asked for my advice on how this would affect his manhood. I turn to you as experts for advice. Does he do the nice thing for his sister or does he back out?

A. Maybe I’m confused by the sheer absurdity of this scenario but, to me, him backing-out would be doing the nice thing for his sister. You think she wants him standing on her side? She’s probably pissed off her husband-to-be doesn’t want him on his side so she feels obligated, or is getting heat from her family, to include him on hers.

Truth of the matter is you CAN have uneven sides in a wedding party. I was just at a wedding where we had 7 groomsmen to 5 bridesmaids. And get a load of this sh*t, the sky didn’t fall! So this “Man of Honor” garbage is ridiculous because they could make it work so your buddy doesn’t look like an emasculated idiot if they really wanted to.

Also, while I’m on this topic, I’m not necessarily of the opinion that groom is at fault here either. I think feeling the need to include all family members in the bridal party is a crock of sh*t. F*cking pot of sh*t stew, is what it is. What if the girl I decide to marry has 6 brothers? You think all of those bozos are getting an invite to stand by my side over guys I’ve been to war with my entire life (not literal war, of course)? Hell no, maybe two of them can be in it. The other four can sit in a goddamn pew and like it. In fact, if my sister’s fiancé didn’t want me on his side or have room for me in his wedding party, I’d understand. Maybe I’d put a little less scratch in the card with a thoughtful note — “If your husband wasn’t such a bloody cuntfart there’d be more than $20 in this card” — but I also wouldn’t begrudge him or accept any pity invitations to be a f*cking bridesmaid.

Q. This last article was the breaking point. I'm tired of always reading nothing but relationship questions on your once amazing article. You aren't Dr. Phil so these pussies need to stop treating you like it. I can answer all these stupid little boy questions for you right now: nut up or shut up. Go for it, remember, even Ted Williams struck out sometimes. If it makes them not want to be friends afterward then they are immature and you can do better anyways. Don't take stupid sh*t like these “what if's?” to the grave. No regrets. Drake is hyped up trash but still, YOLO, yo.

Anyways, I obviously have a question. I just graduated and am currently working on crap for grad school in the middle of the night (4:58 am actually…I already hate it) but how should I treat my loyalties towards either school if I graduate from grad school? Should I be more loyal to my Alma Mater or my Grad School or hold them on the same level? Also, am I a p*ssy for tearing up at prideful things involving my Alma Mater? (not little girl tears but when your eyes well up)

Sorry for the mini rant, I'm addy-ed out and I read your article to laugh and hear your good and witty views not read the damn guy version of “The Notebook” but that's what it has slowly become. Help a guy out with an original question please! Also, post this. They need to see the truth about their nonstop generic questions from a fellow reader.

A. You, sir, are my Al Sharpton. PREACH THE F*CK ON, REVERAND! Anyone that’s read this column for while knows my uphill climb to get more ridiculous questions on here. And after I beg some come in but then a few weeks go by and people start reverting back same old theme of “I need to f*ck more girls, how do I f*ck more girls if I can’t dance, or talk to them, or shave my scrotum without agony?” Truth is, sometimes I don’t mind answering the Dr. Phil-like questions b when the same questions roll in week after week I start mailing it in with my answers. Hopefully your rage will usher in a new batch of thought-provoking questions.

Anyway, let’s get to yours.

Your “loyalties” question honestly deserves a flowchart. Sadly, we work on Macs and my past expertise in Visio (that’s right, ladies, soak those panties) is no help to me because I no longer own that program. So I’ll try my best to explain with words.

I’m going to assume the “loyalties” you’re talking about revolve around sports and I’m also going to answer the question using football as the example. I’m using football because it forces us to factor in the team you liked as a kid; most of us became fans of certain programs long before college. The same can’t be said for college baseball or crew. Although I hear crew is picking up steam in some markets.

That being said, I think regardless of your college you’re allowed to root for your childhood team first and foremost. Provided you didn’t kick them to the curb the moment you enrolled at Auburn (or wherever). In a head-to-head battle between undergrad and grad, however, you always have to take your undergrad school — unless, of course, your grad school also happens to be your childhood team. After all, you spent four years at your undergrad school, went to every game, experienced the emotions of winning and losing; you can’t just turn your back on that. You can’t stop wanting Auburn to win if it’s your first semester at LSU’s grad school. Maybe wear an LSU shirt to the rivalry game so you don’t get yourself killed (people kill for way less these days) but deep down you have to pull for Auburn. Otherwise you’re no better than Benedict Arnold. And history books tell me that he was a piece of trash.

Lastly, I don’t know what the hell you’re tearing up over. At this point in my life, feeling pride in anything has only made me smile, not cry. But I’m probably not the best guy to talk emotions with, I only cry over select deaths, “My Wish” segments on ESPN, and, on some days, the fact that I've woken up. (I kid.)

Q. So I'm dealing with a really hot chick, bit of a b*tch, but manageable. The thing is though, she is always chasing my dick when I'm with someone but when m single she isn't as flirty. What do I do to get out of this cycle?

A. Only one play here: grab a close female friend, fabricate an entire relationship with her, and dupe this other chick into thinking that by f*cking you, she’s wrecking your happy home. Seems to me she loves a “spoken for” guy and the only solution to this is trickery and deception, which is how most of us get laid anyway.

Obviously this kind of ruse shouldn’t end with sex and satisfaction. You need to have a big final reveal to show her that you just pulled the wool over her eyes. Really rub it in her face. Speaking of rubbing it in her face, maybe the moment you’re about to nut, you blow your load all-over her smug face while simultaneously throwing confetti and glitter at it. And, at that very moment, you also have your pretend girlfriend burst into the room and start finger blasting herself while you fire up the video camera, start singing an a cappella version of “Call Me Maybe,” and force out a post-sex sh*t right onto the floor making YouTube gold.

Another option is to not say anything and keep f*cking this home-wrecking slut till you grow tired of her. But that seems insane.

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