Hook-Up Heroes: Goodbye Virginity, Cops Busting a BJ, and God-Given Girls
The story everyone loves / hates to tell: losing the V card.
So it was freshman year of high school and I had this girl wrapped around my finger. She was one of those “closet sl*ts.” On the outside she was a good Catholic school girl, who just happened to have C 34's freshman year that continued to grow. On the inside she was a freak who loved more kinky shit than I could handle.
One night, her dad dropped her off for what he thought was just a movie night. Little did he know I was about to take his little girl's un-returnable v-card. So she comes over and we go down to my basement.
My dog was always a pain in the ass and never left us alone. She was barking in her cage so I let her out to sit on the couch with us. After a while, one thing leads to another and the chick pulls out my mushroom tip. She gets butt-ass nekked and starts going down on me.
She's laying down the law, the Redskins game is on TV, and my dick is in dick heaven. Next thing I know, she starts moaning a lot as she's sucking me off and starts to grab my thighs. I turn to the right and see my bastard of a dog is licking her ass. I couldn't believe she didn't tell my dog to stop. So I shove it off the couch and tell her in no uncertain terms that I want to f*ck.
I put her face down on my La-Z-Boy couch and put her un-penetrated vag*na in the air. As I keep going, it feels really really good. Like way better than it first felt. Then, when I feel like I am about to c*m, I pull out and moan a sigh of relief. When I open my eyes I see a long white strand in her hair. [Editor’s Note: Ah, the high-velocity c*m-shots of youth.] I look down at my raw sausage and realize the condom had broken off and it was nowhere to be seen or found. I panic.
She asks me why I took off the condom to c*m and the best I could muster is, “Um I don’t know, they do it in adult entertainmentos.” Then I get her a napkin and she forgets about it. Later that night she calls me and tells me she found the condom, when she was taking a bath — it was inside her the whole time. She wouldn’t stop crying so I told her I couldn’t see her anymore. I was the envy of my friends. MLIB.
Conner writes about a blow job that ended in a police chase:
The summer before sophomore year of high school I accompanied my best friend to his family's vacation home on Lake Chelan in Washington. As the night began we started drinking on the beach and met a few other teenagers. Being adolescent, debauchery-seeking idiots we decided to shoot fireworks at the security guards who work in the enclosed neighborhood.
As my friend and the rest of the teenagers ran one way, I pulled one of the girls my direction and told her to follow me. We ran into a dark pathway behind a foul-smelling swamp and plenty of trees. About five minutes into one of the worst blow jobs I have ever gotten, a high powered spot light beamed on the both of us.
Having seen police spotlights before I knew what was about to commence. Not wanting any part of the hand cuffs that were on the way I pulled up my boxers and started running, by this time the cop had gotten out of the car and started to chase me. I take a leap out of the forested area expecting to land in the open field I was in before. Instead, I landed in the swamp. Thinking quickly, I only stuck enough of my face out of the water so that I could breath.
When I was sure the officer had left I exited the swamp and found that I was covered in goose shit. I then ran two miles back to the vacation home in only boxers with goose dung in every orifice and covering my entire body.
Longtime reader Jumbro writes:
My buddy and I had been messing around with these two smokeshows for a while, when we received a call from one of them asking us over to her house to spend some time hanging out in her Jacuzzi. Naturally, we said “f*ck and yes,” and made plans to secure some booze so we could get a little drunk and maybe mess around with some Grade-A beef. Now these girls transferred to our public high school just the year before from a small Christian school where 98% of the kids are Bible-loving, God-fearing dweebs (good kids, don't get me wrong, they just have no idea what the real world is like); so of course, they were just getting into the whole hooking up with dudes thing. That's kind of a blessing in disguise though, because you know this is pristine p*ssy we're dealing with. Anyway, we ask our token “I graduated two years ago, but still live at home with my parents and buy booze for high school kids” friend to hook us up with a handle of the finest flavored Smirnoff he could find for the ladies, and some Captain Morgan for us. We fill up a couple water bottles with the booze, don our finest QuickSilver boardshorts, hop in my Volvo, and head out to paradise.
We pull up at the girl's house with a small duffle bag filled with alcohol and towels, say hello to the girl's parents (who adored me, by the way, because I was smart as shit and came from a good family… pretty sure if I proposed she would of married me on the spot) and then head out to the poolside to meet the girls. Now for clarity's sake, we'll call them by their greatest features: Tits for one, and Ass for the other. So we hop in the hot tub and start talking. The conversation is typical high school bullshit, and I quickly get bored. I suggest that the girls go grab us some cokes, so we can really get the party started. They giggle like the schoolgirls they are, hop out of the pool, run inside, and grab some cans of coke and glasses filled with ice. My buddy and I gratuitously fill each glass with rum and vodka, for us and them respectively, and things start to heat up (probably because I also just pissed in the hot tub).
So we're playing the typical inconspicuous drinking games like Never Have I Ever and Drink as Many Rum and Cokes as I Can in the Time it Takes for the Girls to Finish One so the parents remain blissfully unaware of the debauchery that is about to ensue in their home. One drink leads to another, and I start inching closer to Tits while my buddy moves in toward Ass. We, of course, had this planned out before, and I think the girls were in agreement, as their hands started shifting up and down our legs. Good times, right? Anyway, Ass has the great idea that we start playing a little spin the bottle. We quickly come to the consensus that this is a fantastic idea, and start playing in the hot tub. After some pretty cool girl on girl making out, and then me hooking up with both Tits and Ass, Ass says it may be time to move upstairs. Immediately, we oblige.
The girls say they need to go change, so I discuss with my friend our game plan:
Him: I'll take Ass.
Me: Okay, I've got Tits.
And we're set. The girls come back in with volleyball shorts and t-shirts on. Tits comes over to me, and we tumble onto Ass's bed and start hooking up. My buddy's on the ground with Ass doing what I can only imagine is the same thing. Now remember these girls a year prior were about a prude as you could find… Now I had Tits stripped down to her panties and shirt and am doing work over her panties with my hand. I can basically feel the dam starting to overflow.
You know the feeling you get when you're absolutely in the zone playing a sport? Like nothing can go wrong, you're making every shot, out-sprinting kids, and things are moving in slow motion? Best feeling in the world right? Well let me tell you, when that same feeling shows up in the bedroom, you know you're in for a hell of a night. As I'm getting an OTPHJ from Tits, my buddy's phone starts ringing. I can only hear his side of the conversation, but it's “What? … Mom, really? … ughhhh… fine,” he hangs up, and then “f*ck* kl*x kl*nkk.” Tits and I stop, and my friend and Ass stand up and he says “That was my mom… I gotta go.” I say “Later,” and Ass walks him out. Meanwhile, I go back to sloppily making out with Tits while her hand is down my pants.
What seems like seconds later, Ass is back in the room. She's pretty drunk at this point and stumbles over to the bed. She whispers something in Tits' ear, and they say they're going to go to the bathroom. At that moment, I realize something. I am, at the very least, going to be making out with these two girls within the next 5 minutes. I text my friend and auspiciously text him “dude I’m in threesome land.” After that, I shut my phone off — there can be no distractions. The girls come back in, and lie on either side of me. I'll spare you the details, but within a matter of minutes both are topl*ss kissing all over my chest, down my stomach, and onto my cock. I'm hard as a f*cking rock, of course, and nearly bust everywhere just at the idea of this, but I manage to keep my composure and hold things down. So in alternating fashion, I switch between making out and fingerblasting Tits while Ass is giving me head, to making out with Ass while Tits gives me the best head of my young life. The flip-flopping of the two keep things fresh, and I ended up lasting longer than I thought I would, but eventually I c*m all the f*ck in Tits' mouth. Ass then looks up from giving my stomach a hickey, and moves in and makes out with Tits. I'm in heaven at this point. Then, they go to the bathroom, clean up, and come back in, with that post-blow job glow all over their faces (or that could also have been the light shimmering off the residual semen, I'm not sure).
Anyway, we say our good-byes, they walk me out to my car, and I drive off. Immediately I call my Bros and tell them that I'm the f*cking man; they congratulate me, sing my praise, all that good shit. Once I get home, I stop by my parents' room to say goodnight with a huge f*cking smile on my face, go back to my room, and go to sleep a happy man. I can honestly say, nothing in my life would even come close to how badass I felt at that moment until mid-way through my freshman year when I went on a hot streak for the ages. But that's a story for another day.
Brent writes about the gift of sl*t God has given him:
I met this girl at a bar one night on Halloween. After putting in a little time, I got her number. I said my goodbyes and moved on about the bar to scam on other vulnerable ladies. What I didn't know is I just met “God's gift to me.” And she's been the greatest gift for about a year and a half now. I tell you, there is NOTHING the girl wouldn't let me do!
So one night, me and a couple of my Bros were at a butt-nekked bar. All of a sudden, God’s gift called me asking to come over. I told her I was at the strip club and I’d give her a call after I got home. She didn't like that idea. “I’m already all the way on your side of town, I don't wanna drive back across town that late at night” she said. I told her that’s fine, I'll just call her tomorrow.
About 2 minutes later a light bulb came on. I texted her right back saying, “You down to get DP'ed?” Her answer was “I told you I'm not coming all the way across town that late at night!”
I was a little surprised she didn't even question the train I just proposed. So my friends and I made a decision I think any Bro would. We all left and met her back at my place.
She walked into my place, didn't even introduce herself to my friends, and I sure as hell wasn't introducing her.
So the train left the station. When the steam ran out, she put her clothes back on, shook the hands of all the guys and said, “Thanks guys, we should do this again soon!”
She left and we went back to support the single mothers putting themselves through school with the singles from our wallets.
Oh, and that girl is sitting next to me as I type this.
Again, submit your stories here and don't forget to have your mothers proof read them prior to sending.