The Guide to Every Awards Show, Including, God Willing, the AVNs

by 6 years ago

Terrible Hosts
The aforementioned Gervais got in trouble last year for hurting celebrities’ feelings. This year, he played up his “bad boy attitude” by pretending to get drunk the whole ceremony. Whoa, look out everybody — this guy might get tipsy enough to miss a cue card. Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure Glenn Close was down in the audience getting absolutely shitfaced and not caring about anything. At one point she arm-wrestled Robert De Niro and called him a “Labia-zit.” I’d say she should host next year, but her enormous pen*s would get in the way of her walking around and stuff. What a stud.

Hot Actresses Looking Extra Hot
Sofia Vergara… dios mio (that’s roughly translates to “I would carve off her face and wear it like a mask,” which I hear it’s the highest form of praise in Colombia). She is an absolute slam-piece. Also, Angelina Jolie has now gone from classically hot to weird hot. I saw her and, at first I was like “ew,” and then I was like, “OK…,” and then I was like “uh, uh, uh,”… you know… because I was about to sneeze. Oh, and I was violently masturbating. She looks like a pale bobblehead from outer-space, but I mean that in the best way possible. I can’t wait to see where she goes from here. I hope she grows tentacles.

French People

A Few Surprises
Not only is Matt LeBlanc not dead, he won a Golden Globe. Also, Chris Tucker: not dead. Sitting in the backmost table, but not dead.

Celebrity Causes
Peter Dinklage, the dwarf from “Game of Thrones,” came out against “midget tossing,” which I have to say is the weirdest celebrity cause I’ve heard. It was crazy, though, because then Glenn Close stormed the stage and launched him like 25 feet. Awesome.

Rampant Criticism of the Clothes People Wear
This is the only time of year where I can yell “SHE WORE THAT?!” constantly. I’ll even sit outside of bars and drunkenly scream it at girls as they walk in while I hold a dwarf and speak into the top of his head like he’s a microphone.

Terrible Tweeters Being More Terrible
Nothing brings out the D-list celebrity tweeters like the award shows. On the surface, they’re snarky, but inside, they know they would give Glenn Close a HJ to be there.

Movies You’ve Never Heard of Winning
Hey, guess what won “Best Comedy or Musical” last week! “The Artist!” Raise you hand if you saw it. No one? Well it’s a silent movie, filmed in black and white. I know, I just puked, too. If anyone in Hollywood had any nuts, they would just retroactively award the last “Rambo” movie Best Everything and then we’d all get on with our lives.

Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmy’s… they’re all the same: self-congratulatory B.S. for people who have already been awarded with tons of cash. And I love it. Just the pure strangeness of these people and the clothes they wear and the things they care about and the delusion that people should listen to them when they talk — it’s like peaking into an asylum full of good-looking people.

But there is one upcoming awards show that is stranger than all the others. One that takes everything common about awards shows and exaggerates it to its insane conclusion. One that features an award for “Best Oral Sex Scene.” That’s right, friends, I’m talking about the AVNs. Remember earlier when I said that awards shows fall just short of one big dick-sucking fest? This one will actually feature people sucking dicks. You have to admire the honesty! The Adult Video Awards: the Oscars of adult entertainment. And I will be there, bringing you, the BroBible reader, inside the ceremony, on the red carpet, and hopefully into some weird, dwarf-tossing orgy. Follow me @jtrain56 for photos and commentary and check back here for my videos cataloguing the event over the next couple weeks. We’re gonna have some fun. I hope I get to meet Glenn Close.

Jared Freid is a NYC-based comedian. For bookings, comments, or dating questions you can contact him by email or follow him on Twitter @jtrain56.

TAGSavnsawards showsGolden Globesj-train's worldOscarsRants

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