The strip club is a hedonistic jungle filled with sweat, desperation and the stench of childhood trauma, and those are just the customers.
Yes, for as much as people like to dog strippers, they’re just out there trying to earn a living. They’re single mothers doing the jobs America needs, not unlike the Rosie the Riveter types during World War II. I’m saying that they’re heroes, people. We should probably honor them with a special holiday.
The ones who make strip clubs the dens of depravity and stale jizz are the customers, and while I’m sure you, the noble bro reading this, are a fine, upstanding strip club patron who makes the dancers’ knees all go weak with love, there are several types of bros you can find in any and every strip club who ruin it for everyone else. Yes, these are the dudes you definitely don’t want to be at a strip club.
The Toucher
DON’T TOUCH THE LADIES. This is virtually the only rule of the strip club, and yet there is always that jackass who thinks it’s okay to get handsy. Look, the strip club is like anywhere else, only the girls are buck ass naked, which admittedly confuses the tiny male brain, especially after all the blood has run to his dong region. It’s basic science. Still, the rules of the rest of the world apply, which means that unless a girl gives you the okay, it’s really not cool to grope her. Shit, sit on your hands if you have to, you animal. No one cares if you “can’t help it,” like you’re a fucking toddler. Especially not the bouncers who will toss your ass out.
The Cheapskate
Sure, you don’t want to pay. I get it. But then why are you there? Oh yeah, the titties. But come on, man, you’re basically stealing if you go to the strip club and don’t part with any money. You are fucking up the economy. Because of you, the government is going to have to bail out Big Stripper. Really, though, here’s the deal: the less you pay, the more the strippers are going to press everyone else to get that cash. That means while you’re sitting in the corner, leering at free boobs, your neighbor is going to be getting the shakedown from some wild-eyed dancer with cigarette burns on her chest. For just a dollar a song, you can help feed a starving stripper. It’s the humane thing to do.
The Starer
The cousin of the cheapskate, the starer, uh, well the starer just sits and stares. I’m not necessarily talking about those who don’t pay and just sit back and watch the dancers on stage. That’s one thing. I’m talking about those dudes who watch you and the stripper as she grinds all over you during your lap dance. That shit’s just creepy. Well, in relative terms anyway. I mean, you’re already granting a certain level of creep just by walking through those doors. You know what you’re getting into. But there are rules, man. This isn’t ‘Nam. And one of those rules is that you don’t ogle another dude while his lap is dancing the dance of love.
The Sensitive Friend
You know this dude. He’s the one who thinks and says that he’s too good for the strip club, that he’s above it all, finds it morally wrong and all that horseshit… and then goes anyway. Yeah, that dude. He’s the one who spends all his time talking to the girls, making fun of all the other customers (which is totally different than what I’m doing here, right? Right???) and making himself out to be the “friendly” guy who “gets it.” Of course, he’s just a fool being worked by the dancers like everyone else. Sure, she’ll spend time talking to you about how all the “other guys” are creeps, bro. That’s because she knows that once you’ve placated your own hypocrisy like a coward, you’ll be paying her for a dance. You’re not better, bro. You’re actually worse because you’re the one setting himself up as superior to the girls and then using them anyway. You’re not better. You’re fucking gross.
The Hooter
No, not those hooters. I’m talking about the dudes who show up and spend the whole time hooting and screaming like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen a boob. It’s embarrassing. Act like you’ve been there before, bros. This is basically the dude version of a wooooooooooo girl. You know what that is, right? It’s a group of girls who get together and spend the whole time screaming “Woooooooooo!!!” You’ve all been around that. It’s annoying, right? Yes. Yes, it is. Let that sink in.
The Track Star
This is the dude who shows up at the club in track pants, with nothing on underneath. Come on, bro, you’re not fooling anyone. In case you’re blissfully naïve, this is what some dudes do because it affords them the minimum amount of, uh, protection between their dongs and the dancers’ naked bodies. I mean, the hustle is admirable, I guess, but do you really want to be the skeeziest dude in a strip club? You might as well show up in a Speedo and straight up call the girl a whore.
The Rainmaker
This guy gets waaaaaaay too into the whole strip club mystique. Odds are he’s never been to a real strip club before and thinks the whole thing is a damn movie, and acts accordingly. He tries to be a big baller and at some point tries to, yes, make it rain. This is such a try-hard cringey move, especially if you’re just some geeky white dude. And hey, look, it’s not any better if you’re doing it “ironically” and just tossing a few dollar bills around while screaming “make it rain, bitch!” and laughing with your boys. That’s just a douche move. It’s ultra-degrading to the girls and just so played out. Be better than that.
The Jizzer
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, I think. Or at least I hope. Look, man, you don’t want to be the dude who busted his nut and dribbled all over the dancer’s thigh while she looked at you with revulsion. That is not a power move. This is seen most frequently in concert with our friend, the track star. Dudes show up trying to scam sex and end up premature ejaculating all over themselves like the pie fucker in American Pie. Is that really a successful outcome, bros? Wait, don’t answer that. But really, jizzing on yourself in the middle of a strip club is about as bad as it gets. Just ask yourself one thing: would you want to be the dude who gets the next dance? Exactly, my friends. Exactly.
Dudes at a strip club image by Shutterstock