10 People You’re Guaranteed To Run Into At Your Class Reunion

by 3 years ago
Asshole

Shutterstock


The gang is all getting back together, whether it be at a local bar for Thanksgiving Eve, a reunion, or just because they’re looking for a reason to drink.

It’s been a while since everyone last saw each other, but one thing doesn’t change: the types of people you’ll see.

Here are the ten people you’re guaranteed to run into at your class reunion. We suggest running in the other direction.

The Guy Who REALLY Let Himself Go

There’s always the one guy/girl who used to have a great body in high school. But, for some reason, be it personal tragedy, a relationship, or the cold hard truth that the Freshman Fifteen is a real thing, but so is the Sophomore Sixty, this person has just straight-up given up. They’ll still be wearing outfits that they used to pull off when they were skinny—think tight ironic t-shirts or yoga pants—but now they just look sad…and a little be sickening. Bonus points if the person also has gone bald, because that’s like the trifecta of not aging gracefully.

The Guy Who Still Parties Like He’s 21

Everyone likes to let loose, but there always be one guy there that just can’t quite give up the party scene. He’ll invariably be double-fisting beers. He’ll rip shots of Fireball with reckless abandonment that cause him to alternate between vomiting and passing out in random places, so feel sorry for the person that went with him, because that person is now responsible for him.

The Person Who Still Only Communicates In TV And Movie Quotes

In class, there was always that girl who you thought was kind of funny, but in a different way. Not like weird, but just not the typical I-quote-Neighbors-all-the-time funny. So lo and behold when you bump into each other at the event, and there you two are talking about great comedy like The Big Lebowski, Community, Arrested Development, and Archer. Hang out with this person for as long as possible, for it may be the only entertaining conversation you have all night, unless “so what are you up to these days” really does it for you (side note: what a great drinking game that would be—have a drink every time you enter one of these mind-numbing interactions).

The Guy Who’s A Completely Different Person

The one pleasant surprise that you’ll get is you’ll run into that guy in high school who was out of his mind. This was the guy who thought it would be a great idea to run the principal’s toupee up the flagpole. Yet, against all odds, after graduation, he somehow got it together. He’s got a good job. He’s mature. He’s got a nice girlfriend. It’s a far cry from the same guy who once streaked naked through the halls after graduation.

The Guy Who Can’t Stop Bringing Up Pointless Shit

This is the person who loves bringing up memories of high school that were insignificant, yet he now paints these events with great flourish. You’ll love hearing about how he wished he voted for you for Spanish Club secretary instead of Catalina Martinez, but he couldn’t not vote for her, not with that ass, he’ll say, and continue to apologize for his mistake. Because, you know, that election loss really held you back from entering Spanish politics.

The Girl Who’s Still Too Good For Everyone

Remember how there was that girl in 8th grade who only dated seniors in high school (which, we can all admit now, was really creepy on the guy’s part)? Remember how in high school she continued that I’m-better-than-you mentality by declaring, “I only date guys from different towns?” She always had that air of conceit about her that she thought she would be famous, that she would escape this horrible plight of, you know, living in a small town, feeling safe, and knowing everyone in your graduating class (the horror! the horror!). Well what wonders never cease, here she is…and it’s not because you brought the cover of US Weekly to the party. Granted, she’ll still walk around as if her body odor smells like Calvin Klein Obsession (that may be a bad example, because that’s exactly how CKO smells), but remember this: last time you checked, you’re both at the same bar, and there ain’t exactly a red carpet leading to the beer pong table, unless you count the jungle juice someone just threw up…

The Guy Who Only Talks About College — A College You Didn’t Go To

Again, back to the hometown mentality, some people feel as if graduating high school is a form of escapism, that they’re finally busting out of Alcatraz. These are the people to avoid at the event, because they will make every. single. thing. somehow relate to their college. “Oh, that’s so funny that you went to lunch at Jimmy’s, the local pizza place, today. Yeah, I used to go to lunch all the time at Sbarro at Tulane University.” Whoop-di-do, you did exactly what most high school students are able to do: apply and get accepted into a university. Please, tell me more: does the Sbarro offer pepperoni pizza slices? What about drink choices? It has orange soda! Now that’s incredible!

The Person You Don’t Remember AT ALL

She looks incredibly familiar. You know you’ve seen her somewhere before. She even keeps calling you by your name. So how the hell does she know so much about you? Because you went to the same high school together! No matter what, there will be at least one person who slipped through the cracks for you during your four years of worrying about pimples, who’s older brother or sister will buy you booze that weekend, and who will let you have incredibly average sex with them. Just bring up universal events from high school. “Yeah, wasn’t prom interesting…uh…you?”

The Girl Who Still Thinks You’re All In High School

You’ll see her popping up between the pockets of people catching up. Not one to just listen to a conversation and jump in when she has something relevant to say, she’ll try to take it over by bringing up drama from freshman year. “Wasn’t he the one who hooked up with that girl you had a crush on?” Before you can even comment, she’s off to the next group, doing the same thing. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no it’s some stupid bitch who hasn’t realized that we’ve graduated from the days when the cafeteria table you sat at defined you.

The Guy Who Graduated In A Totally Different Year

And finally, and by far the saddest person (curse your fate if it’s people) that you’ll bump into is the upper classman who decided to crash your reunion. Mark my words: it will happen. There may be a very, very, very small part of you that’s happy to see the person—you’ll exchange pleasantries over a few sips of your drink—but that will last about as long it will take for someone to put the Backstreet Boys, ironically, of course, on the jukebox, and we all know that will happen almost immediately. And then you’ll realize how pathetic it is that not only did that person live through his own reunion, he decided to voluntarily come to another one…that’s not even his!


TAGSGood TimesHigh school.reunions

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.