High’m With Her: Getting Baked And Buying Into The Biggest Hillary Clinton Conspiracy Theories
If there’s one thing I’m good at in life, it is getting high and thinking about stuff. That’s admittedly not a tremendously impressive skill and, if we are being completely honest, I’m actually kinda terrible at it.
As a naturally high-strung, nervous person, I worry and fret about everything. That only gets worse when I get stoned and paranoia sets in. My mind bolts to the most completely illogical, impossible, unfathomable ideas, and I find myself alone in my mind wondering if a girl I haven’t spoken to in five years isn’t somehow currently exacting a lengthily-plotted revenge, and that text I got from my best friend asking what I was doing tonight wasn’t somehow part of her plan, and that the safest thing for me to do would be to move to Cambodia and not tell anyone.
Getting high is usually a pretty intense first twenty minutes for me. Anything is completely plausible when my mind is racing. Not so fun when it’s introspective, but when I can focus on other shit, it’s a blast. I could get lost in my head about how Bush pulled off 9/11, or how Cheney pulled off 9/11, or even how the dinosaurs really did it (that one involves a lot of leaps of logic, including them having the ability to reanimate after hundreds of millions of years and a desire to cripple the American government).
Lately, I’ve been getting high and thinking about Hillary Clinton. In my life (certainly not since I started smoking pot), there hasn’t been a person who is more scandal-plagued, who rumors always swirl about, and who so many think is just constantly malignantly conniving.
I thought the smartest thing for all of us would be if I smoked some joints over a couple of days and tried to, you know, really cut through the bullshit, ignore the spin, and imagine what might really have happened with every single Hillary Clinton conspiracy.
Please note: While the high answers were indeed written after getting high, they were edited for clarity while sober (drinking), because when you’re stoned you have a tendency to type things like “one voilituion” when you mean “own volition.”
1. The Death of Vince Foster
What we incontrovertibly know: In May of 1993, in the early days of Bill Clinton’s first term, seven White House travel officers were fired. They handled the arrangements for the White House press and it was alleged that they’d been involved in improprieties stretching back to the previous administration. Before the terminations, White House Counsel Vince Foster ordered an independent review to audit the department, which came back with some “irregularities.” Two months after the firing, Foster was found shot to death in a park in Virginia. Five different investigations ruled it a suicide.
Two years later, it was revealed that Hillary Clinton had been the driving force behind the firings.
The generous, reefer-free analysis: Foster suffered from depression and was ill-equipped to handle the transition from Arkansas to Washington, D.C. and, very early into his new career in the White House, ordered an audit that led to the firings of seven, long-time, career, non-partisan White House staffers. Racked with guilt, he killed himself.
The Let’s hit the doobie conspiracy: It’s gotta be the easiest fucking thing to fake a suicide. You know the technology we have now? That’s what the CIA had 20 years ago. That’s what Gene Hackman said in Enemy of the State, way back then, and no one believed him. But he was right. So could Hillary, as first lady, call someone up and say, “Can you kill someone for me and make it look like a suicide?” Yea. Fuck yea. The only two things about that that are remotely implausible are 1. The first lady being allowed to order a hit, and 2. The CIA agreeing to act on American soil.
You really think they only stick to foreign lands? Okay. You don’t think if the first lady wants someone dead it doesn’t happen? Alright. Okay. Keep telling yourself that.
So, this guy, Vince, orders a probe into the Travel Secretaries scandal. Maybe he learns something during it. Something bad. Maybe Bill already had an affair, weeks into his presidency. Foster says he’ll keep it under wraps, but now the FBI is investigating it and Hillary knows it can lead back to everything. Bill’s adultery, Bill’s sexual assaults, Whitewater. It’s six months into their presidency, and it’s already a house of cards. Six months into a journey that’s gonna make her president one day. She already knows that’s the end goal. America’s not ready now for a woman, but she’s gonna do it. And she’s not going let some punk ass motherfucker who’s already dug into her and her husband once, who is fucking wracked with guilt and psychotic, be the person to bring her fucking down.
2. The Clinton Foundation
What we incontrovertibly know: In 1997, while still in office, Bill Clinton launched a charity project to become his post-presidency focus. Named The Clinton Foundation, its stated mission is to strengthen people of the world through global interdependence. Over the years, its endowment and prestige grew, eventually raking in over $2 billion in donations and working on issues like HIV/AIDS, childhood obesity, and climate change. Though it has indubitably done good things in the world, it is oft-criticized for existing to line the Clintons’ pockets and give them perma-access to wealthy elites and political players. It has been accused by charity watchdogs of using opaque accounting practices, but it also was given a higher grade than the Red Cross for its efforts. A recent AP investigation found that major donors were granted face time with Hillary when she was Secretary of State, bringing about accusations that she ran a pay-for-play operation.
The I’ve never touched the stuff analysis: After leaving office, Bill wanted to do something that allowed him to remain in the public eye and stay involved in world affairs. With the Rolodex he had, he knew he could raise funds like no other, especially tax-deductible donations. He also figured he could make a difference while still getting a healthy salary. Hillary had minimal involvement, as she had other jobs at the time, such as Senator and presidential candidate and Secretary of State, but occasionally Bill would call and say “Honey, this guy is in D.C., can you meet with him?” Sure, he may have given a million dollars, but if a former president of the United States, or your significant other, asks you for a favor, most of the fucking time you willingly do it.
The The best bongs have glass-on-glass slides truth: What controls the world? Power and money. Power and money. Bill had clout when he left office, all he needed was the dough. And he could raise enough, more than enough. You know that charity is a front. You know it. Five million is delivered to bring clean water to Kenya, but under the false bottom of that briefcase is $50 million for a covert drone base deep in the jungle. You need to get money somewhere without anyone knowing – I’m not talking just the U.S. government, I’m talking ANYONE – now you talk to Bill Clinton. You need Hugo Chavez? Suddenly, Clinton’s foundation think it’s time to fight malaria in Venezuela and boom, $2 million is given to that country for netting, but another 10 is slipped to Chavez and boom, you’ve got his ear.
That’s what the Clinton Foundation is. And all along Bill’s saying, just wait. Just you wait. You think it’s good now, my wife will be president in 2008. Then we’ll really get shit done. He promises a lot of fucking shit. A lot. But outta nowhere, this punk from Chicago steals the nomination from them.
Suddenly, the Clintons need a plan. To get Hillary in office in 2012. They’ve made a lot of promises. What the fuck do they do?
3. The September 11th Attack in Benghazi
What we incontrovertibly know: On September 11th, 2012, a group of Libyans attacked a diplomatic consul in Benghazi, overrunning it and killing the U.S. ambassador, Chris Stevens, and Sean Smith. Hours later, another strike hit a CIA site near there, killing two contractors and injuring ten others. Responding to the attack, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama cited an anti-Muslim video that had been circulating on YouTube as the impetus for the uprising. Later, it was revealed that, from the onset, Clinton knew it was a coordinated terrorist attack. Ever since then, Republicans in Congress have been investigating her behavior in the lead up to Benghazi, her actions that night. and her words the subsequent days.
Also, for some reason, Michael Bay made a movie about it.
The What’s the difference between a bowl and a bubbler analysis: Being Secretary of State is a complex, complicated job, and like dick if any single one of us who had that position would be like, “Hey, are there four or five guards at this backwater compound in nowhere and does it has blast-proof walls?” No, we’d be masturbating in the dank ass hotel suites we were given every time we got to a foreign capital.
Hillary had better shit to do.
And not wanting to admit that a terrorist attack killed four people on the anniversary of the worst terror attack in American history, the administration decided to run with a narrative about a video because they thought, “Hey, four people die all the time. Who the fuck is gonna give a shit?”
The We gotta smoke this whole blunt before we see the last Lord of the Rings movie analysis: She knew about it from the beginning. And you’ll see why. She’d read the chatter about terrorist groups in Libya (what, you don’t think we, from above, monitor the cell phone calls of every single person in that country for keywords in dozens of languages? Ha. Ha. … Ha). She hears about the security flaws, knows the proximity of the CIA compound to the embassy, knows how people, Libyans, radicalized Libyans, knew about it, too.
She and Bill realize, maybe somewhere in August 2012, three months before an election, that they can do something. So insane it’ll either force Obama to resign, or at least lose him the race, because she can either step in now or in 2016 run away against an incumbent Romney instead of whatever the currently fervorous, foaming Tea Party comes up with with a full presidential primary season.
So she allows an attack on the FUCKING anniversary of 9/11 and tries to get the president to fucking pin it on an anti-Muslim video. Why? Because you know who isn’t anti-Muslim? You know who is a Muslim and loves Muslims? The president, the fucking president. Remember that people? He wasn’t even born here. Have you forgetten that?
Shit, she even enlists Donald Trump, this batshit insane reality star, to demand on live TV a month after a terrorist attack on the anniversary of September 11th that the president show his birth certificate to the nation, and prove he loves America, because remember he allowed Americans to be killed on 9/11.
Imagine her fucking belief when that doesn’t cause him to resign or cost him the fucking election.
Imagine that, imagine fucking that, that the black Kenyan Muslim with the name Hussein let a terrorist attack occur on September 11 that killed Americans months before an election and HE WON?
How the FUCK does that happen?
Obama finds out about it and demands her resignation after the election.
She agreed, thinking it’ll be the end of it. But it won’t. Because Republicans know. They knew about Vince, but couldn’t do anything. They know about other shit. They know what she does, how she works, and they start hearing chatter about Benghazi, that the Clintons, that Hillary, was behind it. Think about that? An American secretary of state allowed U.S. citizens to be killed abroad (SHE KILLED A FUCKING AMBASSADOR) to try and influence an American election.
Do you investigate that?
4. Hillary’s Private Server and Deleted Emails:
What we incontrovertibly know: As part of the Benghazi investigation, in which a House Committee subpoenaed everything up to and including the discarded tampons she wore in the years leading up to the 2012 attack, the House Subcommittee on whatever the fuck they called themselves unearthed that during her time as Secretary of State, Clinton used a private email server to conduct business, and it was possible she transmitted classified information over it. She eventually turned over 30,000 emails to the State Department, who gave them to the committee, but said nearly 30,000 emails had been deleted.
That deletion occurred days after the New York Times published a story about the existence of the private email server. After a lengthy investigation, the FBI revealed that 110 emails containing classified emails passed through her server, but that they found no evidence of willful wrongdoing on the part of Clinton, declining to press charges.
The How many marijuanas is in an eighth analysis: After years of working in Washington, Hillary knew how her every single word could be misconstrued, used against her, and FOIA’ed to an inch of its life. Knowing how bad Republicans would attack her every decision in her next campaign, she decided to try and keep as much as she could out of the public eye.
The I’m more of an indica than sativa guy analysis: What would you do if 30,000 of your emails related to your plot to allow a U.S. ambassador to die on the same day of the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history in an effort to better position you to become president were about to become known to the world? You know, the ones on the private server, that you fucking set up, exactly so something like this wouldn’t happen, so you could do the shit you needed to do to get that fucker Obama out of office?
[Hillary turns to her technician, who has been standing there dumbfounded]
“You, you’re still saying you don’t think we should delete them? Because that’s illegal? Under FOIA? Well, I’m gonna lay out another situation to you, Paul. You’re going to do whatever the fuck you think you should do. Because remember, we sent you that “memo” months earlier. You’re gonna get fucking immunity, you’re gonna have a lawyer, but right now, you’re gonna do the fucking thing I’m not about to tell you to do, because you are acting on your own volition, because you fucked up, months ago, you fucking idiot. Do you get what I just said? Do you agree you’re gonna do what I’m not about to say.”
“Yes, Madame Secretary.”
“Delete the fucking emails.”