Men Finally Have A ‘Holding In My Farts’ Horror Story That Could Give Us Carte Blanche To Go WILD

I’ve been saying it for a while now that men need a fart martyr; a man who’s life is ruined by holding in an abundance of gas. I thought someone would have to die for change to occur. I really did. Hell, I even tweeted about it.

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Turns out, as we learn from the story below, death isn’t required for held in flatulence to destroy the entirety of a man’s life, and that’s pretty nice. Let this man’s story of trepidation and ultimate gassy demise propel a movement where letting out a little ass air isn’t frowned upon, but sort of encouraged.

So this happened a couple years ago but I figured I would share this tale of woe now. It all started the first week of my junior year of high school. I just transferred over to a Catholic school and didn’t really know anyone. Naturally, I wanted to try as hard as possible to impress the hot girls. New school, new start.

So the first school mass rolled around on first week and I made my way to try to sit right with a group of hot girls (pulling all the moves, am I right?). Throughout the mass, I my stomach began to feel like shit (“Dammit you fatass. Why did you think that eating 4 breakfast burritos was a good idea?”). So eventually a HUUUGE fart was coming along, kind of like the 5 minutes before a 9.5 earthquake. Of course, I was also sitting at the very front. I had 4 choices: to keep holding it in, to go to the bathroom, to fart on the hot girls or blame it on the ugly one. I ended up going with the least smartest choice by holding it in. It was literally the worst. I soon began to get really sweaty and dizzy (“Oh shit, this isn’t good. I better leave.”) I ended up passing the hell out and woke up on the floor of the church. Paramedics ended up coming and taking me to the ER. All because I held in a massive fart.

I later found out that while I passed out, I released the massive fart inside. The sound was heard all throughout the church and they actually stopped the mass. The girls around me also ended up moving away from the pew because of the smell. I ended up being known as the guy who farted so badly, that he fainted. This haunted me for the remainder of my high school days as well as my non-existent sex life. Let’s just say high school was rough.

So remember kids, never ever hold your farts in. Just always blame it on the ugly one.

I can see our girlfriends and wives saying it now, “Hey babe, I know you’re in you’re in a tremendous amount of pain and very uncomfortable. Don’t kill yourself over this. Slip a few out. Just don’t waft them into my mouth this time.” Yes, don’t waft, gang. Can’t abuse the privilege.

P.S. I want you to know that if I had any photoshop skills whatsoever, that farting man in the illustration above would have had Rollerblades on both feet.

[H/T Reddit TIFU]