A Bro Conquers a Pair of Bitchy Roommates, Plus What’s Her Name?

By 09.30.13

To provide a brief background story is necessary. Freshman year is all about meeting people, as many people as you possibly can, and getting inside as many women as you can. I lived in a co-ed dorm my freshman year, and had one hell of a time with everyone on my hall, most all of the Bros, and the girls especially.

Editor’s Note: What the hell does that mean?

Luckily for me, random housing decided to place more attractive women on our floor than not. One room in particular contained a pair of stuck-up bitches, both with boyfriends, but both very hot. (I’ll be the first to admit, with certain tied-down girls that I deem worthy enough to pursue, their boyfriend means nothing to me, especially if that said boyfriend goes to a different school. Guilty, deal with it, I know I’m not alone.)

Nothing happened between myself and these girls my freshman year, aside from the near-daily drinking that us young freshman felt so obliged to participate in. I transferred schools my sophomore year, went out of the Northeast in search for a different experience. While I was able to experience more than I could have ever asked for and had a great time my sophomore year, my grades suffered, financial aid was not on my side, nor were my parents who did not want to pay stupid-expensive out-of-state-tuition for my poor academic, college-binge-drinking ass. Fair enough.

Normally, that sounds like an unfortunate situation, but what did I do? I applied to transfer back to the school I went to my freshman year.

It couldn’t have worked out better. I returned last spring semester seamlessly with all my Bros from freshman year. They had expanded their social circles, and I had an automatic in, the only catch was that while I technically wasn’t the “new kid”, I had that sort of treatment, and I cannot tell you how much it has worked towards my benefit. Girls that my Bros knew, I was meeting for the first time, and trust me, I still take advantage of this.

Moving on, I reacquaint myself with the two very attractive girls who were roommates on my hall two years’ prior. Both had realized that high school relationships are bullshit once you go to college, and with their recent singleness, both had cut down on their bitchiness. This next sequence of events takes place a couple weeks ago at the beginning of this semester.

Our campus center has a UPub, which is exactly what it sounds like; an on-campus bar run by the school serving students cheap drinks and good bar food. In-between-class-drinks, $4 pitchers of Bud Light, and every other 21-year-old college kid with a similar drinking mindset, sign me up. I see one of the roommates at the UPub, we’ll call her Jess. Jess was the girl who used to tweet at me to shut my loud music off at 2 a.m. However, now, as I had learned, she was a party girl. Perfect.

We were both done with classes on a Thursday, it was around 3 p.m., so grabbing a couple drinks before we left campus seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. She had been there for a few drinks prior to my arrival. Thirty minutes of quality game spitting, and a couple drinks later, she’s drunk… and wants to fuck. Something along the lines of “I’ve wanted to hook up with you since freshman year.” My apartment is an 8-minute walk from campus, it is 80 degrees and sunny, I grab her hand, tell my boys I’ll see them later to pregame for the bars tonight, and take her home.

We get back to my apartment, immediately walk to my bedroom, shut the door and clothes are coming off. Me, being more or less sober, I let her take the reins, sucking my dick, doggy and the works. Forty-five minutess later, I finish some good sex and drive her home.

It doesn’t end there. Eight p.m. rolls around and I’m at my Bro’s place pre-gaming with a sizable crew, preparing for a night of cheap pitchers and drunken karaoke at the bars. We get to the first bar, which was crowded and there weren’t too many good-looking girls; not my scene. I do see Jess, buy her a vodka-soda like a gentlemen, make up some excuse to leave her, and move on to the next bar with my Bros.

We walk in, and there are familiar faces everywhere, the bar’s not too crowded and alcohol continues to flow. I then see the second roommate from freshman year, we’ll call her Steph. We’re both drunk, and again my game is on par [with something?]. Last call rolls around, and I have this girl locked in for the night.

Lucky me again, my apartment is a 3-minute walk from downtown, so we walk back to my place. I know almost everyone in my apartment building, and no one is sleeping. A couple bong rips from one room and I walk Steph down the hall to my apartment.

My sheets are still a mess on my bed, invisibly covered in bodily fluids from my encounter with Jess earlier. I throw on some loud music, and proceed to undress Steph, revealing a nicer body, nicer boobs, and a nicer butt than Jess. One thing lead to the next and we’re both in bed. It was better than Jess on every level. Better blowy, better riding skills, better everything. Top 10 sexual experiences I’ve had to date. I finish, half-listen to her trying to talk, and pass out.

With no Friday classes, I’m used to sleeping in. Not so much this Friday morning, but waking up to a BJ trumps sleeping, so I entertain her with a solid morning sex session, shower and drive her home all before 9am. I return home and fall back asleep until my bro calls me later that day to start drinking again.

Successfully, I had banged both roommates: The same bitchy, tied-down hotties that lived together freshman year. Later did I learn that they were again roommates sophomore year, but had a falling out the semester before I had returned when one of them fucked the guy the other one was seeing. They aren’t the friendliest, but I still see both of them frequently; Steph is still my fuckbuddy. Neither one of them knows that I’ve fucked both of them, on the same day, in the same bed, with the same sheets. It couldn’t have worked out better.

See, kids, if you work hard, anything is possible.{pagebreak}

It was Halloween my freshman year at Shippensburg University. My high school sweetheart had broken up with me like a month prior. Like any Bro, I had been on the prowl, bringing home a new slampiece every weekend. And now it was Halloween ­–the only time girls can dress like sluts and it is not offensive.

I am a pretty good looking dude and very athletically built, so for my costume I was Chris Pontius from Wild Boys. We start pre-gaming for the night in my Bro’s room doing shots of high-class Vladdy, and beer bongs of Natty.

Fast forward to the party. We get there, I immediately beeline to the dance floor while my Bros get us the brews. I start dancing with this girl dressed up as a slutty football player.

We will call her “Babe,” a decent 6. After the usual grinding and sucking face, I go get another beer. While getting another brew, I run into a girl who has wanted the D since Day One on campus.

We will call her “Mags,” a solid 8 dressed as a smutty referee. I start talking to Mags, we go upstairs into a random bedroom where she lays down and starts touching herself. She tells me to go down on her to which I do for 15 minutes or so, then she pulls me up and tells me to bang her face. So I oblige and then finish on her chest.

Feeling pretty good with myself, I head back down to the party tell my Bros what happened. They tell me “Babe” has been looking for me. So I head to the dancefloor to find her. We dance some more, rip more shots, and do a lil’ down the skirt on the dance floor.

We then decide to walk back to my dorm because my roommate is out of town. We get into the elevator and go at it like animals. We get into my room and continue like animals — do a little mouth stuff then get down to business.

I start to black in and out and then it ends with me going in her and we both pass out for the night.

I wake up the next morning with a girl in my arms and don't know her name, so “Babe” becomes her name. I start kissing her neck and I am ready for round 2. She says, ” No, I can't I am too sore from last night, but I'll suck you off.”

So she does, then runs down the hallway to freshen up. She is in the bathroom and my boys come in and I am, like, “what’s her name?” They know it and keep telling me wrong names, and eventually I give up.

We are at breakfast and still don't know her name. I get up, say I am leaving to go get a lift in before we go out and she says “bye, Gabe” and I look around for help but there is none and say “Bye babe.”

Here’s what I learned from this amazing tale. First of all, Shippensburg really needs to up its academic standards. Y’all should have seen the unedited version of this. It looked like the wild ramblings of an inmate in solitary confinement scrawling their credo in blood.

I also learned sometimes people have casual sex without proper introductions. SCANDAL!

TAGShook up heroes

Join The Discussion

Comments are closed.