Spring Break Hook-Up Nightmare, Recalling an 8th Grade Hot Tub Party, and a Petty Larceny
This first one might be every normal dude's nightmare. I know it's mine.
I went on Spring Break looking to hookup as much as possible, just like everyone else. Not bragging but I did pretty well and my last snipe was the worst, yet easily the best story of them all.
We went down with small group of people but met a bunch so by the end of the week we had a good team. A girl we were hanging around with came up to me and said that her friend wanted to wheel me. Game time.
Knowing I had it in the bag I drank some more and was completely bombed. She was sober and when I tried to talk to her she did not find my humor funny, at all. So I said f*ck it, grabbed her hand, and walked her back to my room. We got there and started going right at it. Since I was bombed, I thought it was a great idea to go down on her. So I did that for a bit…or a while, I guess. And then we banged.
After we finished, she geared up and left, which I thought was nice of her. I wear contacts so before I went to bed I went to the bathroom to take them out. I turn the lights on and as I put my hand up to my eye I noticed it: Blood. Not just a little mark on my finger, I looked like I had dipped my hands in a bucket of red paint. What was worse was there was a smear across my mouth and chin. I started gagging and didn't know what to do. So I went out to the room and turned on the lights. It looked like I had slaughtered an animal. Gallons of blood had to have flowed out of this chick. The bed was unusable.
(Side note: There was no running water at the resort that night. Seriously, I can't make this up).
So with this all happening conveniently on the same night, I ran to my buddy’s room so that he could poor bottled water on my hands to wash them. Clearly, he found this really funny.
I never did see that girl again. Don't know what I’ll do to her if I ever do. But thanks to her I don’t know if I can f*ck with the lights off ever again.
Don't really know if this qualifies as a Hook up Heroes story but it is interesting. So here goes…
My boys and I were on Spring Break in Panama City. The week was awesome and never had more fun in my life. It was our last night there. There were these 2 sl*ts staying at our hotel and my boy was super f*cked up and trying so hard to f*ck one of them. One had a huge rack and the other had a freakishly large ass. My boy was trying to slam on the one with the huge rack who was probably the biggest sl*t I had ever seen.
Over the course of the week we had seen (no lie) probably 4 different black dudes walk out of their hotel room in the morning and quite a few others come back with them from the beach.
That meant NOTHING to my boy. His heart was set on banging anything with a pulse. He proceeded to get her in bed after 3 solid hours of drunken retarded game. But they left the door open to the hotel room. First me and my boy tried getting a good film angle to show his dumb ass in the morning but we couldn’t see well so we just barged in.
They were both so drunk my boy couldn’t get his pants off to go to pound town. He was literally trying to f*ck her face with his pants half off. We laughed at him for a few minutes, and then my buddy (the one that walked in with me) and I noticed this broad’s purse. Inside it was a camera, 10 dollars, and a phone. I snatched all three and we left.
I looked through her camera for nude pics / crazy sh*t then looked at her phone. Nothing again but then we read her texts and HOLY SHIT, I underestimated this tramp. Thirteen different dudes in a week!! Thirteen different guys numbers had texted her sh*t like “damn girl you f*ck like a champ,” “You trying to f*ck again before we leave?”, “You give the best head I’ve ever had.” The list goes on and on but this type of sh*t was from 13 different guys. Then I see the mother load of all sh*t in the Inbox. TEXTS FROM HER BOYFRIEND!
Stuff like “Babe, I love you. I can’t wait for you to get back from break,” and “I love you so much blah, blah, blah.” I lost it laughing my ass off for like ten minutes and then it hit me…If I were this guy I would want to know. It would be un-Bro of me to not tell this guy his girl is a raging wh*re and putting his d*cks life at risk. So I shot a quick text to him said “listen man you don’t know me but my boy is slamming out your girl right now and I’m pretty sure he is the 14th d*ck that’s been inside her this week.
This guy was PISSED. As well he should be. Apparently they had talked about getting married and sh*t. I texted him a few more graphic details of the revolving door her room was and left it at that. I threw her phone in the pool, sold her camera on eBay and used her $10 as gas money on our ride back home.
Click below to read the rest of this week's stories!
And here's the story that will bring you back to 8th grade…
I’ve had my fair share of crazy nights and hookups, but I was fortunate enough to have the most outrageous one in my early teens (summer going into freshmen year of high school). I had a girlfriend for all of 8th grade and she went to a summer camp as soon as school ended. About two weeks into summer I receive a letter in the mail from her camp address. Sure enough it was her talking sh*t about me; telling me how I am never going to get any girls in high school and how she is hooking up with all these kids at her camp. I responded exactly how any bro should to the situation and decided invite 2 of my boys and 3 girls over to enjoy my family’s newly installed hot tub.
At this point in our lives we have probably gotten drunk one or two times but I was pissed about this letter so I told one of the girls who had a chill mom to buy us some alcohol. We ended up having a thirty of Budweiser and a bottle of Absolute vodka. After about an hour of drinking, we all head to the hot tub. My two bros and I are sitting on different sides of the tub, each of us with a girl on our lap. Within minutes we are making out with these girls.
This alone surprises the hell out of me because prior to this day both of my friends hadn’t even kissed a girl. And only few moments after the make out session started, one of these f*cking girls mounts my friend’s face using the sides of the hot tub as a chair. The poor kid literally getting smothered by p*ssy, something he had previously never even seen in person before!
As the night progresses we are literally passing these girls from one Bro to the next. At one point in the night, my friend asked the girls to make out and the three of them all stood up and started making out topless in the middle of my hot tub. This is when reality hit and the drunkenness faded. We looked at each other while this was happening and realized it was probably the most epic thing any one of us has ever seen, sh*t that we have only had our first wet dreams about.
After that, I brought one of them into my bathroom and received my first blowjob, the whole time struggling to believe this was actually happening to me. Probably the best way to get back at that little b*tch who sent me that letter.
The three girls that participated in this are no longer friends and I doubt they have ever spoken about it ever again. As for my two Bros and I, it’s a story brought up every time we crack open a Budweiser. This sh*t changed me, it’s a lot to go through at the age of 13, and has a lot to do with the kind of guy I am today.
I'm curious to know just what “kind of guy” that is? A puss hound? A dude that preys on 13-year-old chicks? Sterile from excessive hot tubbing?
It was a sunny day in the affluent, uptight town of Normandy Park, Washington. These sunny days are seldom found so my friend and I were celebrating by drinking ourselves stupid. This happened to be around graduation time for the high schoolers and I had just returned home from my first year of college. Needless to say, a lot of the high school seniors were drinking and generally not giving f*cks at all. I had been seen my fair share of handcuffs in high school and it just so happened many of them came from the police who work in the aforementioned town.
I had previously mentioned that everyone was acting somewhat reckless due to the excitement surrounding graduation and this was especially true with one of my friends who happened to call me in my drunken stupor and inform me of plans to get drunk and paintball in an abandoned house. Already being drunk, I thought this was the greatest idea I had ever heard so I went to the house to meet them.
We get to the house; see them with a bag of paintball guns, enough hard alcohol for the group of us, and the type of smiles on their faces that only come from anticipating debauchery.
We walk into the house and start to unload the paintball guns and prepare to f*ck sh*t up. Not two minutes later I hear “Get on the f*cking ground” and look up to see several policemen with machine guns and pistols with LASER sights on them pointed at our heads. Yes, like the ones you see in movies. Naturally, we all jump to the ground in fear for our lives. The cops then ran all of our names and it turns out they found my priors and the cop that gave me a DUI the previous year was one of the cops pointing a machine gun at my head. Through some stroke of luck they let us all go and my friend that I was originally drinking with and I start to walk to a buddy's house that isn’t too far away.
We get to the house where my buddy is having a small get together. Filled to the brim with excitement that we weren’t just arrested, we are feeling invincible. Three of us are outside smoking a cigarette with one of the girls at the party. My friend thought it would be a good idea to ask her to fellate all of us. Not surprisingly, she did not agree. What is surprising, though, upon asking her a second time she told us to follow her down the stairs to the lake. When we get to the lake my friends look at me, so I pull of my flaccid p*nis and she starts sucking on it. After a few minutes of not being able to get hard, I decided it was weird and I left. But she just took my departure in stride and sucked the other two d*cks. While she was finishing up, my friend that owned the house went down to the lake to stop what was happening. When he got there he sent my other two friends upstairs…and her punishment was sucking another d*ck.
Wonderful night indeed. I wonder how she felt the next morning. Swallowing three seperate loads of j*zz cannot be healthy…physically or mentally.