Puking on Chicks, Ex-Girlfriends Who Aren’t Worthless, and Doing it on the Beach
I'm pretty sure the moral of this first story is that “love conquers all.”
Last summer I was dating my ex girlfriend off and on. In January, we broke up and were on bad terms and we didn't speak again until about June. When that finally happened we started to date again and hook up. Only problem was she was also dating her other ex who she dated before me.
One night, my ex and me go out on a small date. We grab some food, walk around and shoot the shit. After awhile we decide to call it a night.
As were saying our goodbyes she mentions that her other guy is in town and that she is going to maybe go and hang out with him. I'm curious to meet this guy cause I had heard so much about him (he was the reason we broke up the first time because she wasn't over him). I wanted to meet my enemy in person. Surprisingly she agrees and we set it up where I was going to “coincidentally” meet her at the joint her boyfriend was at.
I call up one of my good friends and we race down there and get a good seat while I try to figure out which guy it is. Finally, the girl arrives and sits with a group of people. I go up and act surprised when I finally get to meet the scrawny little b*tch she was supposedly in love with. I shook hands said “pleasure to meet you” and left.
That seems like a b*tch move but what he didn’t know was that when I drove her back to her house earlier, the whole way she was giving me the most amazing road head I've ever had. AND THEN, when we arrived at her house we hopped in the back of my SUV and I wrecked that puss. I f*cked her raw to the point where she was walking as if she'd just been ridden by a horse.
So essentially there was nothing more I needed to say to him. I just f*cked his girl literally an hour before I met him. No matter what he could've said or done: I win.
This next submission reminds us that women can do more than just make sandwiches.
I recently fractured a bone in my knee, so my doc prescribed me a ton of pain medicine. I’m sitting at work — at the campus gym — and take my prescription-strength Aleve. One problem: it wasn’t the Aleve; it was a Vicodin. They are in the same sized bottle, so it was an honest mistake. I thought “no biggie; this will just make my shift a little more interesting.”
Flash-forward a few hours and I’m out at a frat party. My buddy has been getting with this one chick all night, and he asks me to occupy her friend so he can seal the deal. Like any good friend would, I oblige.
I end up taking this girl back to my room and she starts giving me head. She is a pro, I lie down and close my eyes, while she does some serious work. Out of nowhere, I feel a terrible pain in my stomach and realize I am about to yack. I tried pushing her out of the way, but no avail. I look up at her, and she is covered in a mix of about 12 Rolling Rocks and a dish of chicken giambotta that has been brewing in my stomach for the past six hours.
Feeling defeated, I throw all my puke-covered sheets on the ground, roll over and pass the f*ck out, without saying a word to this chick. I assume she’s mad, but I could care less at this point.
I wake up the next morning expecting to find my sheets on the ground and to some angry texts from this chick. To my surprise all my sheets are draped over chairs. Whatever, maybe I did that in the middle of the night and just forgot. Then I find a note from this girl saying she had a lot of fun hanging out with me, and that she washed my sheets after I fell asleep. WHAT AN ANGEL! She took care of the two things I hate most in this world, vomit and laundry.
It honestly slipped my mind that Rolling Rock was even a beer. Who the f*ck walks into a distributor and thinks, “Oh yeah, it's a Rolling Rock night, tongiht!!”?
To read the rest of today's stories, click the below. And submit yours here.
I had just finished my sophomore year of high school, and I was determined to have a kick ass summer. My friend invited me to a week at the beach with him, his family and some family friends…in the Outer Banks. For those of you who don't know, there is absolutely ZERO nightlife there. It's a beautiful place, but it's the opposite of Ocean City or Long Island, it's where families and old people go on vacation.
For that reason, the plan for the week was pretty much to get drunk and sit on the beach every night. We dug a giant hole in the sand, and that's where we sat. That's what happened the first couple nights…until we ran into a man who called himself “Martin the Third.”
One night we walked out onto the beach to find a kid clearly wasted out of his mind, tossing sand left and right in our hole. He barely managed to introduce himself as Martin the Third, as all he cared about was finding the bag of weed he apparently had lost somewhere along the beach. Poor kid never did find his bag, but we did exchange numbers and the following night, Martin hit me up saying that he and his buddy had met three girls our age on his street, and wanted to know if I wanted to chill with them that night. WHAT?! This kind of thing was unheard of in OBX.
So that night I poured some drinks into myself and met Martin the Third and his crew on the beach. Everyone else was drunk already too, so it didn't take much time for things to get going.
Now I don't know how many Mikes Hards it took for one of the girls to suggest skinny-dipping, but it didn't matter. Clothes were off, and we were in the water. It was a full moon, and the water was warm. Naturally the six of us paired up, and we're all making out just feet away from each other in the water. My girl was from the South, and she had the ass and titties to prove it. I had a boner.
As my girl and I began feeling each other up, we made our way over to the towels on the sand and before I knew it she was on top blowing me. After sucking me off for a while, she straddled me and rode me like one of her horses back home. This girl was WILD. You'd think having two other couples doing it immediately to your left and right at the same time would be awkward, but we were too into it for it to matter. After everyone was done the girls went home, Martin, his friend and I had one last beer together, and then we parted ways.
That was the night I lost my virginity.
And here's this week's lone story that involves blood.
Even though I was extremely drunk and high at the time I will ALWAYS remember this night:
Last year, the weekend of Marley Fest in Austin, I had a pretty weird experience involving a girl. I go to a D-1 university a little over a hour away from Austin so me, one of my pledge brothers and our friend decided to go to Marley Fest on Saturday.
The night before we went to a friend's birthday party which wasn't all that big to pre-pregame for the next day. When we got there I bumped into this girl I know (that was entirely too plastered to be in public) and one of her friends who was drunk herself but more composed (I'll call blondie from now on).
While I'm trying to chat it up with the plastered girl I keep noticing blondie giving me glances and when we exchange looks and I know I am set for the night.
Once that was established and my pledge brother knew what was up we all went back to his house for the after party. Being a freshman at the time and going to a school that has same sex dorm rooms and curfews on when girls can be present I'm trying to get the spare room in his place and get rid of the plastered girl who tagged along.
I was pretty drunk at that point so me and the people that were at my pledge brother's place decided to light one up. By the grace of God the plastered girl was repulsed by this and asked to leave so someone took her home. After smoking, a few people started to go elsewhere so it was just me, blondie, my pledge brother, the girl he was getting with, his two roommates, and our friend. While sitting on the couch with blondie and just needlessly hitting on her she out of nowhere grabs me and starts sloppily making out with me and also for some reason tonguing down my ear. Thinking that it's time to get down to business we go to the spare room and get it on.
After an uneventful round 1 we wanna go at it again but I'm outta condoms so I agree to not bust in her and she gets on top of me. She starts riding me for a bit she tells me she has to stop and that we need to switch positions and hops off. Looking down at my dick I notice a thick blood clot about the size of a quarter just chilling there and since I'm pretty twisted at the time I nonchalantly ask her, “Oh, is this why you needed to switch positions?” Her eyes get HUGE and she swears up and down that she doesn't know what's going on with that but I really didn't care and she wipes it off with a washcloth she had in her purse for some reason. So, we just start cuddling again and she asks if I want her to blow me off. Five or so minutes pass and I just ask her if we can go back to having sex and she agrees so I go back at it in the missionary position. I'm somewhat close to busting so to not risk it I ask her to blow me till I'm done and pull my dick out of her.
When I look down at it my dick is covered in crimson and I look at her and say, “Hey, I don't think this is a good thing.” She looks at it and starts freaking out again and cleans my dick off and starts to get dressed. Out of the corner of my eye I notice something wrong with the mattress (there were no sheets on the bed) and see a fresh blood stain about 6 inches long in the shape of a vag*na. I couldn't handle it anymore and just started making fun of the situation by saying things like, “I knew I’d butcher your p*ssy” and other shit like that.
Before we both left though I was still a little twisted and therefore pretty creative so I decided to flip the mattress over even though the bottom of the mattress was like box springs. We got food and went on our way only to meet and hang out once more that semester.
Later on in the semester, I get a text from my pledge brother saying that his roommate noticed his mattress was upside down and flipped it over and saw the stain. So I went over apologized greatly and cleaned the stain.
Also, I ran into blondie at the bar this past homecoming and got with her again, this time without any mess.