Hook-Up Zeros: Guy Sends a Few Pathetic Emails to a Girl

By 03.12.12

Email #1:

Dear [Redacted]–

Well, that wasn't nearly romantic enough, as is every “meet at the bar” first date I've ever been on, which is why I expressed my preference for a “proper date,” to sit across from each other and talk face-to-face. To make more eye contact. But I was still very happy to have shared time with you. Very happy.

I thought we really connected for a moment when the topic of the loneliness of law school came up. But it also seemed that the thought raised our defenses and we reverted to “interview mode,” which is what I told myself over and over beforehand not to let it devolve into. That's why I asked about your day, what you your work was, that kinda stuff, first. I really want you to want to talk to me about whatever is important to you. You can with me, because nothing is taboo. If it matters to you, it matters to me.

Perhaps you feel differently, and [your friend]'s body language said “I'm saving you from a bad date” (which almost cracked me up, because I don't think it was a “bad date,” just not as good as it could have been… Oh, and don't forget that sometimes your friends don't always want you to be happier than them), but I think we would be good for each other- for a while.

I'm not going to be your husband. Do you think you're ready to meet him? I can't be your father. You already have one. I don't even want to be your boyfriend.

I want to be your lover. I will also happily be your teacher because I think you might be a muse. You do have a few things to learn, and I could use a little inspiration right about now. And as for the incredible, multi-orgasmic sex you will experience, we'll be even in the orgasm count if you just let me now and then, because it must feel good to know that you inspire my passion just by being you. And I sense there is passion within you that needs to be released.

Sincerely and with kindest regards,


The girl didn't respond, which comes as no surprise. But the guy wasn't finished. He went for round two. 

Dear [Redacted]-

Please be reassured that if you decide to ignore me, I won't hassle you. I strive to be a gentleman.

However, I continue to feel that you and I have already made a connection that needs to be followed through upon.

Boarding the gondy, I felt that initial attraction, decided to talk to you while sensing that you wanted me to talk to you. Then I was astounded that you were the person with whom I'd corresponded and wanted to share more. I want to go with _that_ feeling.

Please imagine if you will, this scenario: You have someone to escape to after work all next summer. Someone who has done law school, internships, clerkships, associateships. And who wants to help you make sense of it all. And who wants to make love to you and then make a delicious and healthy dinner while talking it all through over a cocktail.

I don't want to foist myself onto your social scene; you only need include me as much as you need.

But need indeed, because getting off is (in my world, anyway, for sure) a daily bodily function and maintenance matter. I think we should all come at least once per day, preferably with someone else with whom we also feel deeply personally connected. That of course takes a little time to get going if it's gonna be good. Please think of it as a good habit, not an occasional treat.

I'd like to see you again before you go back to school. How about taking a few runs with me on Saturday? I don't need your whole day, but I would like to share some time. From there, you can contact me at your convenience- I know you're essentially unavailable. But if you want to call to talk or even bitch or whine, that would be fine. And I'd like to share real face-to-face time this summer.

Kind regards,


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