Does the thought of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle getting laid make your stomach turn? How about the thought of him spitting game at some unnamed woman via a letter from behind bars? Lucky for you, we’ve only got hardcopy evidence of ONE of these things happening in this post, so count your blessings we don’t do nudity here at BroBible. Yep, no nudity but we can give you the gory details of a convicted sex offender/sandwich aficionado trying his best to get his dick sopping wet behind bars. This is our reality and my comprehension of it is as lacking as yours.
Fogle is only five months into his 15+ year-long prison sentence, and while he’s been hard at work servin’ up sandwiches to the inmates (I’m not kidding, that’s his assigned prison job) in-between ass kickings, it appears that he still has too much time on his hands. How much time is too much time? Enough time that he was able to write this vomit-inducing letter to some unnamed babe. I say “babe” sarcastically, because the only women willing to write to Jared Fogle in prison all rank well below the “Vicky Mendoza Line”:
The letter that In Touch managed to get ahold of is reportedly to “a woman he knew years ago, who reached out to him.”
Indeed, convicted sex offender Jared Fogle is getting hit up for sex while in prison and I can’t even get the Domino’s delivery guy to shoot me a text before he gets to my house. According to In Touch:
Peppering it with childish smiley faces, multiple exclamation points and uncomfortable sexual innuendo, Jared writes, “It has been a very hard nine months for me. I made a couple of mistakes but nothing like the media reports have said. They are making me into some sort of monster which is absolutely not true.”
“I’m currently appealing my prison sentence and am hoping for the best with it,” he continues, claiming he simply got caught up in someone else’s crimes. “Bottom line, my director of my foundation and friend did some bad stuff and tried to throw me under the bus with him.”
…In addition to trying to minimize his crimes in the letter, Jared shamelessly flirts and begs the woman to keep communicating telling her she looks “so hot!! (Just like I remember).”
“Your two pictures you sent me have just made me smile so, so, much!! Can you send me some more good ones?” Jared writes in the letter. “I need you in my life big time.”
It’s not like he included a cock shot anywhere in there, but reading through that should still make even those of us with the strongest constitutions gag. “I need you in my life big time” ? “Your two pictures you sent me have just made me smile so, so, much” ? I’d rather watch my parents bone than read any more of this shit, and my mom is dead. Watching parental necrophilia > reading Jared Fogle’s lame-ass attempt at getting laid.
Jared ends his letter by begging the woman to start corresponding with him over the prison email system.
“I’ve thought about you over the years but had no way of contacting you. What is your email address? I have email access from here but I have to plug your email and phone number into the computer and then you accept it and we are good from there. [The email] is monitored,” he added, “but who cares? LOL.”
“LOL.”
His final words to his old flame before signing his name with an “xoxoxo?”
“Please write me back as soon as you get this letter!!”
Yeah dude, totally – right after she sells your letter to the highest bidder and makes a cool $10,000 for leading you on. Abandon all hope ye who enter here, for you are truly, irrevocably fucked (especially when prison officials have to make special moves to keep your ass from becoming grass).
[H/T In Touch]