A Bro Asks If He’s Finally Left the Friend Zone and How to Prevent Yellow Armpit Stains

By 06.12.12

Q. My question falls into the category of the friend zone/ removing oneself from it. To summarize, let me say that I've been friends with this girl for 3 years.. About 2 years back I asked her out and due to her being friends with my recent ex, she ended up saying no.. so whatever. I shook that off right away and we just became better friends over the past 3 years… Let's fast forward here till we're both out of college, we've both recently become single again and she is now recently acting towards me the way she did when I first asked her out and got shut down; a little nicer and flirty than she needs to be…She is naturally flirty with a lot of people so I take everything she says to me as “friends only” because I am trying to avoid another blunder and make an ass out of myself…Since she broke up with her bf and I broke up with my gf she suggested the idea of her and I going to her bro's wedding as her date, which I am totally cool with…(dressing like a G and crushing alcohol? sign me up) here's the kicker, last week she sent me flowers to my office asking me to be her date to her brother’s wedding, which I thought was a little forward thing for a friend to do, especially since I had already told her I would go with her when we hung out one night. Regardless, I accepted and her and I will be sharing a hotel room for 2 nights at this thing, open bar and everything; all the signs in my head are pointing to yes, but my question for you is — at the risk of making an ass out of myself/creating an awkward situation and ruining a friendship — should I assume that it's on with me and her or should I just continue to focus on the fact that I think she's not into me like that?

A. Does she need to put a trail of candy from the hotel door leading right into her sexhole for you to finally get the point? The writing is all over the wall, pal. And it says “Your dick, my vag, two weeks from now, at the Red Roof Inn.” 

Then again, I could be missing some vital piece of information, like you and her brother are sort of friends and she thought you'd be a good date because she wouldn't have to entertain you all night. But if that's not the case and you'll be among total strangers with the exception of her, then oh yeah, it's go time with this chick. Has to be. Why else would she bring you to a family wedding?

I'd still recommend that you don't come on too strong, in case she's a piece of trash and really did just invited you as a friend (the booze will eventually smoke-out her motives), but either way be pack for the best — condoms, trimmed pubes, skid mark-free underwear, the works.

Q. I've been dating this girl for 10 months. She is great the whole package. One problem: When we are around her friends they talk about the past and stories of girl sh*t and sometimes an ex bf of hers will get brought up, not by her but her friends. I f*cking hate hearing about any ex and get pissed every time. My mind still wonders about her number of boyfriends. I know I need to stop thinking of it but how the f*ck do you do that and how do I not get super pissed every time I hear one of her ex's names?

A. Constantly having to relive your girl's past relationships can be tiresome. Can’t imagine it's any guy’s favorite topic. Unless, of course, her ex fell to a grisly death and the story of how that happened is loaded with hilarity. Such stories usually are.

Here’s what you do to solve your problem about having to be reminded these other dudes ever existed: Sit her down, tell her you know and don't care that she's been with other guys (that’ll assure her you’re not some self-conscious bed-wetter) but that you also have no desire to be reminded of it by her friends at every party. Believe me, she’s probably already aware of how much you can't stand it and if she's worth a damn she'll tell her friends to cut it out and even fall-on-the-sword saying it embarrasses HER when they do it. But if she can’t see the fire in your eyes or decides to plays dumb, just ask her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed and she had to always hear about your exes.

Or, if you want to approach this like a child, you can forgo the adult conversation and have your friends fight fire with fire by doing the same to her. Being guys, you know they’ll knock this task out of the park. Maybe even do it too well. I know if my buddy asked me to casually mention his past to prove a point I’d be like, “You know, Betty, before he met you, old Mark here was a bit of a player. Oh no, I'm being serious. He may not look like much but if I had to guess I’d say he's buried his unprotected dick in at least half of the tri-state area.”

Q. So my bro has been dating this girl for a good six months and now that she is back from college for the summer we are realizing how overly enamored with her he is. As entertaining as it is to make fun of him offering his nuts to this girl on a platter, it'd be a lot cooler if he came out with bros ever now and then. How do we get him to not spend every second with her or not drinking hard because of her?

A. I know for a fact I’ve answered this before so I’ll keep it short.

My advice is to just keep inviting him…for now. And as enjoyable as it is, if you want this dude to start hanging out again you should stop making him feel like sh*t at every turn. If he isn’t an idiot he knows he’s transformed into a dickless wonder. He doesn’t need you to reiterate that, or guilt trip him to no end. That’ll just make him want to hang out less, which is the exact opposite of what you want to accomplish.

In the next few months, one of three things is going to happen with this guy: He’ll stay with this girl but the newness of her will wear off and he’ll want more time with his friends (ideal scenario for you). He’ll break up with her and come crawling back to you guys, swearing that he knows he acted like a bitch and learned his lesson (until he does it again with his very next girlfriend). Or, he’ll remain forever whipped by this chick and you’ll eventually stop including him in your normal weekend plans. 

Q. Okay, so apparently armpit hair can cause discoloration in the pits of white shirts. The pigments or some shit stain the shirts permanently. Before you ask, yes, this is happening to me.

My question to you is: Should I shave my armpits if it'll save some of my shirts? I'm not about to go out and buy a nice white button-down just to have it stained right quick (I pit-sweat profusely). How much shit would I take if I shaved them?

A. My general rule about armpit hair is, yes, as a man you should have it but if it’s visibly flowing out –like trying to escape — when your arms are at your sides, you should give that sh*t the much needed trim it deserves. But here’s the thing, your yellow stains actually have nothing to do with your superfluous pit hair. At least that’s what 7 minutes of research has taught me.

Of all my findings, this particular passage seemed useful, disgusting:

Perspiration, in addition to being a way for the body to regulate temperature, is also a means of excreting bodily wastes. The yellow stains are caused by (among other things) urea, which is one of the waste products generated by the body's natural processes. Urea is, as you might imagine, also excreted in urine (it's why your pee is that yellow color sometimes), although urea is FAR more concentrated in urine than in sweat.

Long story short, everybody is different, and every person's sweat contains different amounts of urea, and that's PARTLY why some sweat stains are worse than others. Here's the rest of the story: antiperspirants and laundry detergent.

Most antiperspirants contain aluminum salts, which react with the chemicals in sweat, and make the stains worse. Then, when the aluminum salts are combined with laundry detergent (especially in cooler water settings), the salts do not fully dissolve. The result is a gross, crusty-looking, yellowish stain (sometimes greenish, if the person wears blue deodorant) that doesn't come out in an ordinary washing cycle.

Having a lot of armpit hair isn't your problem. All that hair actually has very little to do with why you sweat so much (another piece of knowledge I gained today). But if it's out-of-control and you need an excuse to trim it, by all means tell people you did it to help the excess sweating. It seems logical enough. Now, if you really want to keep the piss stains off your shirts, and you didn't just come here for my blessing to do some pit-grooming, then you should use clinical deodorant to curb that profuse sweat issue (make sure it doesn’t contain aluminum salts), and start washing your white shirts with firewater.

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