I’ll start by saying, if you are one of the few people who still hasn’t seen this show and you’re going to bitch about spoilers then you should probably go watch all 200 episodes before continuing.
When That 70s Show first aired in 1998 it was set in Wisconsin circa 1976. Somehow, when the last episode aired eight years later in 2006 it was still only 1979 in Point Place. The story revolves around six teenagers getting into all sorts of shenanigans usually involving drinking, smoking and Red Forman threatening to put his foot up someone’s ass. The show’s character development and entertaining cast is what kept viewers coming back week after week to find out if Kelso would be caught cheating on Jackie with his best friend’s sister. Without further ado I present The List of Life Lessons [That You Probably Still Had to Learn for Yourself] Taught by That 70s Show:
Season 1
1. The Girl Next Door
Just as with Eric and Donna, odds are if you and your neighbor are of the same age and opposite sex something is bound to happen, especially if you’re already best friends. This isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing; it’s just something that is going to come up. My personal suggestions would be: don’t over think it, don’t let her father find out and don’t take eight years to figure your shit out only to then move to Africa.
Season 2
2. Your Best Friend’s Sister Makes for a Poor Mistress
Hopefully this one goes without saying. Should you feel the need to cheat on your girlfriend, you should probably pick someone other than your best friend’s sister whose house your girlfriend frequents daily. Best advice? Don’t sleep with her. If that fails, don’t invite her on a road trip with you and your lady friend.
3. Don’t Get Caught
Any virgins reading this should pay close attention. After doing it for the first time, if you find out she said you were awkward and weird in bed (which she will because you were), you do not need to then have sex in your car to prove something to her. I repeat: do not let the police catch you having sex in your car. It’s embarrassing and degrading and if you would ever like to be left alone with her again it is not something you want the police telling her father.
Season 3
4. Don’t Read Your Girlfriend’s Diary, Text Messages, Emails, Facebook Inboxes, Etc.
There is literally no situation where this will end well for you. Whether you find something or don’t find anything, she will find out regardless of how normal you think you’re acting and everything will fall to shit, especially if you get a stupid tattoo to prove you’re a badass. Just don’t do it, I honestly shouldn’t have to elaborate on this. Shame on you for considering it at all.
Season 4
5. Your Father Loves You
Let it be known, your father only threatens to put his foot up your ass if he loves you. He knows you can take the [hopefully verbal] abuse and wouldn’t give it to you if you couldn’t handle it. When you are inevitably down on your luck you will see a side of your father that you will probably never see again. Even the most malicious of Korean War veterans have a soft side, but don’t bring it up ever again or he’ll kill you, dumbass.
6. Don’t Fight Back
When you and your girlfriend break up and she chooses to slander you all over the school newspaper (twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc) do not retaliate. None of the spiteful things she says about you will compare to how bad you will look if you stoop to her level. Keep it civil and laugh it off; your friends will know the truth and you’ve already lost your chance with any girl who’s close enough with her to believe her story.
Season 5
7. You Can’t Run From Your Problems
I suppose if you’re as good looking as Ashton Kutcher then you can run from your problems and trade Mila Kunis in for Jessica Simpson. For the rest of the average-looking population however, your problems will catch up with you and running only delays the inevitable. Sometimes these problems are school or work and sometimes these problems are Eric Forman and his 1967 Vista Cruiser.
Season 6
8. Wear a Condom
If at some point in your life you are presented with the chance to sleep with the hottest high school senior from your sophomore year in a bathroom at a concert, for the love of god and disease-free sex please wear a condom. I can’t imagine this opportunity presents itself regularly so let’s not ruin it with the possibility of her getting pregnant.
Season 7
9. What Goes Around Comes Around
If you’re the kind of person that will make jokes about one of your friends sleeping with another one of your friends’ sisters just know that karma is a feisty vengeful bitch. More importantly, keep your own sister far away from this friend. Actually, don’t bother. It’s probably too late anyways.
Season 8
10. Know When It’s Time to Quit
There’s nothing worse than something being dragged out far beyond its natural life. That 70s Show was one of the best sitcoms of its era, only being rivalled by shows like Friends and Two and a Half Men. Unfortunately, That 70s Show is tainted by a long and unnecessary last season where the show fell apart without Aston Kutcher as Michael Kelso and Topher Grace as Eric Forman as they were off filming The Guardian and Spiderman 3 respectively. Whether it’s an employment decision, a relationship or your favorite high school hangout, you have to know when it’s time to move on.
There are some other pieces of advice that can be taken from the show including: don’t get so high you accidentally threaten the president, don’t let Star Wars control your life, and don’t get drunk at the top of a water tower. I figure the ones above are most likely to help with every day life.