So you’re at a bar after you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend, who you found out rebounded from you with a dude nicknamed ‘The Hammer.’ You’re hornier than Sandusky at Discovery Zone but you’ve completely forgotten how to talk to girls since you’ve been of the market for however long. You thought about titty fucking your couch cushions before heading to the bar, but thankfully you have a shred of dignity left.
The bar lights turn on and you dejectedly approach the bar to close your tab and likely go home to a D’Giorno and those sexy couch cushions. That’s when this Mexican fox comes up to you and asks if you want to get a cab back to her place.
She’s pictured above, but here’s another.
Would, right?
Well, the plot thickens.
You’re looking at the face of Juana, a former hit woman for one of Mexico’s most dangerous cartels. The 28-year-old, also known as La Peque (Little One), currently resides in a California jail cell for a string of crimes related to the work of the ruthless cartel.
According to Daily Mail, Juana started rebelling at an early age, most notably by getting pregnant at the age of 15 by a 35 year old, then working as a prostitute before joining the cartel.
‘Ever since I was a little girl I was a rebel, and then became a drug addict and an alcoholic’ she said.
La Peque claims she got her start as a ‘halconeo,’ a lookout for police and army patrols, and if she failed at her job she was tied up and fed just one taco a day. She eventually became numb to the gruesome nature of cartel life after seeing a man’s head get smashed open with a mace.
And we’re just getting started.
Local news site Denuncias claims Juana began to ‘feel excited by it, rubbing myself in it and bathing in it after killing a victim.’
‘I even drank it when it was still warm,’ she alleged.
Denuncias said Juana ‘insinuated’ at having ‘had sex with the cadavers of those decapitated, using the severed heads as well as the rest of their bodies to pleasure herself’.
Ummmm. Those couch cushions are starting to look like the move.
[h/t Daily Mail]