New Study Finds Millennials Would Rather Stare At Their Phone Than Have Sex With A Human

by 1 year ago
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Well.

It’s been a good run, but it appears that the human will die out.

The reasons? Loser millennials are too busy staring at their phone to procreate.

Meet Noah. Noah, who is named after the man who sired modern humanity into existence through his persistent fucking after his Lord killed off everyone except his family, doesn’t like to have sex.

Noah Patterson, 18, likes to sit in front of several screens simultaneously: a work project, a YouTube clip, a video game. To shut it all down for a date or even a one-night stand seems like a waste. “For an average date, you’re going to spend at least two hours, and in that two hours I won’t be doing something I enjoy,” he said.

It’s not that he doesn’t like women. “I enjoy their companionship, but it’s not a significant part of life,” said Patterson, a web designer in Bellingham, Wash.

He has never had sex, although he likes porn. “I’d rather be watching YouTube videos and making money.” Sex, he said, is “not going to be something people ask you for on your résumé.”

OMG.

OMG.

The Washington Post found Noah after a study revealed that millennials are fucking a lot fucking less than the generations before them.

It’s a less sexy time to be young than it used to be, despite millennials’ reputation as bed-hoppers frolicking like the characters on “Girls.” A study published Tuesday in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior finds that younger millennials — born in the 1990s — are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s as the previous generation was. Even older millennials are more sexually active than this younger group is.

Recent research also shows that overall, millennials — people born between the early 1980s and 2000 — have fewer sexual partners than the baby boomers and those in Generation X, the group immediately preceding them.

Losers. Losers. Losers. All of them.

No, really. Meet Sam.

Sam Wei, a 26-year-old financial analyst in Chicago, has not had sex since her last relationship ended 18 months ago. She makes out with guys sometimes, and she likes to cuddle.

“To me, there’s more intimacy with having someone there next to you that you can rely on without having to have sex,” she said. “I don’t want to do anything that would harm the relationship and be something that we can’t come back from.”

The why, of course, is because phones are so much better than sex.

But some experts are concerned that the drop-off reflects the difficulty some young people are having in forming deep romantic connections. They cite other reasons for putting off sex, including pressure to succeed, social lives increasingly conducted on-screen, unrealistic expectations of physical perfection encouraged by dating apps and wariness over date rape.

If you are one of these millennials reading this who isn’t having sex, I have some words for you.

Have some sex, man.

You’ll like it.

[Via The Washington Post]

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