The Most Perfect Flirting App Ever Invented
By Texting? That’s so arduous. Taking the time to craft a delightfully coy message, one making you sound equal parts charming, adorable and worthy of sex? I’d rather exercise.
What about emailing? That’s cool. If you’re a nerd.
How about in person? God no. Nothing could be more awful than trying to seduce members of the opposite sex face-to-face.
It really doesn’t matter how you are doing it, because I know right now you are doing it wrong. Flirting incorrectly. Wasting time and wasting effort.
Because all your flirting should now be done with SnapChat.
“WHAT?” I heard you just exclaim. “The application designed to prevent pictures of my dick or/and tits from being passed around for public adulation or scorn?” No.
Why would you use SnapChat for sex? Masturbating to six second clips is like watching stop-motion animation being filmed.
It’s not a sexting app. But it is the most perfectly crafted flirting app.
How? Because everyone would rather get photographs. When’s the last time you read a book? Six years ago? I know. They’re stupid. All those stupid words.
And if words are stupid, then why would you—when trying to make yourself seem interesting and attractive—make someone fucking read.
Send them a picture. With SnapChat. It doesn’t need to be a great one. This isn’t about capturing the sunset on the last night of Firefly. All mine are terrible. I don’t know an aperture from an apple. But it doesn’t matter. They only last ten seconds. Or two if you want. No one is checking the lighting. They are trying to digest the message.
And what message are you sending? That you’d like to boogie. Don’t follow how? Remember back in 2012, when you first started texting with a guy or girl? What was the moment you were certain they were going to sleep with you? It was when you got a picture from them, with a caption and a smiley face. “Yup,” you thought. “Stuff City.” And when you’ve sent a photo, why did you do it? To show how cool your life is, the undercurrent being “wouldn’t you like to sleep with this totally awesome person?”
With SnapChat, it’s pictures all the time. Setting the tone from the start. And did you know with SnapChat you can add whatever words you want? You can MS Paint your feels straight onto the picture. And since it’s written in the scrawling script of a child (at least mine are because fuck styluses), it won’t be taken too seriously. Because who the fuck would send a picture of their dog and ask about intercourse?
I would. I just did. To you.
And I don’t even want to sleep with you. Or do I? Like I said, it doesn’t have to be taken seriously. But it can. Because you’ve thought about doing it. With me. At least once. So maybe I’m just easing into it. Or joking. Maybe it’s that my puppy really is (Ha Ha Alert) a horndog. It’s mind games galore.
But it’s more than that. It’s also a safe environment to thrust yourself out there. Flirting with someone can be intimidating. Not knowing how it will be received. No one wants to be rebuffed. That’s the shittiest part of it. But now, it’s “LOL WUT? Why would I say you are hot with a picture of carpet? TOTES a joke.”
And if he or she goes back to check it, oops. Already gone. Any shame or regret is digitally washed away. No one can reread it and try to figure out your subtext or ask their friend’s opinions.
Sure, they can screenshot it, but that’s totally against SnapChat etiquette. The app will tell you if they did. And if they do, it’s completely legal to send them a photo of your dick and say “SCREENSHOT THIS
(We’ve gone over this. Do not send unsolicited dick pics. That was a joke.)
But you can do anything else. Because SnapChat is flirting made simple, with all the barriers you hate broken down.
So Snap away. And hopefully get laid.