These Are Apparently 10 ‘Must-Know’ Facts About Masturbation

by 2 years ago

First of all, you will be hard-pressed to find a better URL than the one above. Second of all, I know what you’re thinking…”Why do I, King of all Whack Offs, need to know anything at all about the history of masturbation? The day I figured out how to go from point A to point C-U-M (see what I did there?), was the day I had life all figured out. I don’t care if Egyptians were required to masturbate ceremonially into the Nile to keep Egypt fertile… Wait. What?”

Look, I agree. Fuck history. What man has ever learned anything from history? No one I associate with, that’s for sure. Every one of my friends refuses to learn from the mistakes of others let alone the mistakes of dudes who lived decades ago. But in defense of this video, these facts are actually kind of interesting. Maybe you can bring them up at a dinner party the first time you meet your girlfriend’s parents. Surely they’ll be blown away that you know so much about the long and storied history of blowin’ loads. What father wouldn’t be jazzed to have that conversation with the very guy who is actively inside his daughter?


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