4 Reasons Why North Faces And Uggs Are Ruining Cuffing Season

It’s that time of year again, cuffing season. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a guy or a girl, the cold winter is approaching and the time for blankets and Netflix is upon most of the nation. It’s the season of coming up with excuses not to go out besides “its too fucking cold”, and it always helps to have a girlfriend or boyfriend to give you a reason. Yes, cuffing season has its positives, but there is a dark underbelly to it. There is an insidious evil that creeps into the world and there is no end in sight. It’s dank ass feet and $100 fleeces that girls still shiver wearing then borrow your coat. The only thing that stops people from moving to the west coast to avoid North Face Fleeces and Uggs is Fukishima fall out, and not even by a lot.

They’re Everywhere: That’s right everyone, both men and women now wear Uggs. The only thing worse than Uggs on a woman is Uggs on a man. You know what else is everywhere you look? Squirrels, Pigeons and Rats, no one has said “I don’t consider rats an eyesore at all”. Too many people are wearing the same thing. You could commit a murder and hide in a flock of white girls from a sorority without a problem, it’s their uniform. Just like Beanie Babies and Pogs, too many people have them for them to stay bearable.

They Aren’t Warm: Who ever convinced everyone North Faces Fleeces and Uggs Boots are warm is a genius and he deserves all that money. All of everyone’s money should be his. Both of those are made out the same crappy fleece material, and shut up if they’re not. The only difference is Uggs had enough shame to put it on the inside. We process our fabrics for a reason, nature isn’t good enough. Uniqlo has an under shirt that keeps you warmer than wearing 14 fleeces at once, because they added science.

They’re named after the noise people who wear them make: They’re are lots of ways to say “Ugh” and none of them come out bearable. The type of person who says “ugh” is a teenager who doesn’t realize they’d die without their parents, or a girl who reorders her coffee because the pumpkin spice latte tasted different this time. Those people are the ones putting jackets on dogs and considering IKEA furniture a stylish home furnishing. Every time a North Face Fleece or Ugg boot is sold, there is one less person people should talk to.

They hide everything: Everyone deserves the right to know the shape of the person they’re talking to. Humans don’t come in rectangle unless they’ve had a serious accident, and that’s what North Face makes you look like, you’ve been in a horrible accident. If you want to look like a rectangle at least be an adult and go to Patagonia or REI.

There are tons of other reasons to hate both these articles of clothing, but we all know you don’t have the attention span for that. It’s time to end this plague of zombies walking around talking about how warm they are while they shiver. Get a real coat, its cold and no bit of kangaroo skin or crappy Fleece fabric is going to be warm enough. Even if they were warm, you still look like H&M jizzed on LL Bean. Everyone, it’s time to stop it. It’s time to stop wearing this garbage, because someone in a North Face and Uggs is as bad as someone who still wears Affliction.