5 Times Dating Someone You Met Online Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

by 2 years ago

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First off, understand this: All you ladies reading this piece need to know that you must stay your ass off of Craigslist. The overwhelming majority of the stories I researched were about women dying by the hands of shithouse-rat-crazy dudes. When Louis C.K. said that ‘Men are the number one threat to women’ he wasn’t kidding…while telling jokes…at his comedy special…ummmm…seriously though. Women who date online are having it rough.

That said, I, instead, chose to speak mainly on women messing with men. Where the men exceed the women in volume, the women specialize in creativity. And if I gotta talk about some fucked up madness like this I need to pepper in a little humor for my own sanity.

Ms. Blackmon and the flames of love

A 57 year old retiree was looking for a little sexy on the 2015 equivalent of a dingy bingo hall known as Craigslist. That’s where he met 20 year old Bria Blackmon and started romancing her with, what I assume, was the only thing a retiree can offer a much younger woman: his death and a potential inheritance.

Ms. Blackmon got impatient though and, by use of an accomplice, beat him to death and set his home on fire. Unfortunately, the same mentality that had her lookin’ for love had her caught up and cryin’ in her mugshot.

Jessica Lewis makes with the love shots

As if having a small dick for some guys isn’t troubling enough, having a big dick could get you killed too. Jessica Lewis felt it necessary to put some revenge bullets into the flesh of Marteese Williams for pummelling her cervix with his crotch monster and refusing to contribute to her hospital bills. Shit like this makes you wanna just put the dick away and join a monastery. But only for a month though ‘cuz pussy is still pussy.

Haley Fox took a swing at romance

Samuel Campbell and Haley Fox spent two years building a relationship that culminated in Campbell relenting to move his life from his home state of Alabama to stay with her in Oregon almost 2,000 miles away. He arrived to have his one true love walk him to a table decorated with candles and wine. There, she asked him to close his eyes while she grabbed a baseball bat and beat him on the back of the head.

I’d like to come up with something clever to wrap this madness up, but that ain’t happenin’. This story will have me hiding the knives and staying up late, trying to sleep next to my lady visitors.

Miranda Barbour wanted a different kind of threesome

Miranda Barbour, is, by her own admission, a serial killer. She claims she’s killed at least 22 people over three states, but authorities are focusing on the one that got her in trouble. The victim was Troy LaFerrera, a guy looking for some lovin’ for hire online, but had no idea the cost would be his life. After picking him up, Miranda stabbed him while her husband, Elytte, choked him with a cord.

Why? Because they wanted to kill someone together. I guess Scrabble ain’t got the same allure it used to. Damn.

Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa wanted to cuddle in, not by, the fireplace

You gotta admire the persistence of Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa. The man she met online ended the relationship after a few dates, but she wasn’t gonna give up that easy. She snuck onto his roof with what can only be some random-ass plan of rejuvenating the romance. But he spotted her and called the police. The second time she got up on that roof, she slid herself down that chimney…until she got stuck. The fire department dumped dish soap on her and pulled her out. The guy, we can assume, dismantled his chimney and blocked her number. Aw!


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