On August 10, 2014, two bros sat down and did something that did not change history at all. They ordered a pizza. What they considered a totally innocent and typical act was just that. Their story has never been told because it never occurred to anyone to tell it. Until now…
ALEX [Homeowner]:
We were sitting at my house on Sunday and I just got to thinking, “Man I’m hungry, I’d sure love some food.” I looked over at Chad and he had that look on his face that he was down for anything.
CHAD [Bro]:
Oh I remember Alex looking at me. It was funny because I was thinking the same thing. I definitely wanted food but the look on my face was because I had to take a massive dump, which I’ll tell you more about later.
ALEX [Homeowner]:
I said, “dude, I know you’re hungry. Let’s grab some food.” We had Chinese the night before so I knew the options were limited. Maybe the burrito-joint down the street, which was always good.
CHAD [Bro]:
When Alex mentioned possibly getting burritos I sharted a little bit just thinking of what they would do to my stomach. I was like, “Dude if you only knew what those spare ribs did to my insides last night you wouldn’t even suggest that.” But I played it cool and said, “that’s a possibility.”
At this point, Alex’s girlfriend Erin stopped by the house to find the guys deep in thought.
ERIN [Alex’s girlfriend]:
I walked in and I could tell something was up. Alex looked like he was starving and Chad looked like he just got away with something. He had that guilty look on his face you know? Come to find out later he had been leaking those silent, egg farts out in the kitchen before circling back to his seat.
CHAD [Bro]:
First of all, they weren’t egg farts, they were crab rangoon farts, and that’s a totally separate category. And secondly, I think crop-dusting the kitchen was the responsible thing to do, as one whiff of those would have killed almost any man instantly.
ALEX [Homeowner]:
Chad was doing some kind of fart-lap in the kitchen and I asked Erin if she wanted food. She said no which was really disheartening. Really could have used a third vote to put us over the edge.
ERIN [Alex’s girlfriend]:
I had just eaten when Alex called me. What did he want me to do, eat again just because they couldn’t decide? Hey Alex, grow up, dude.
CHAD [Bro]:
When I got back into the living room, it was clear Erin and Alex were just talking about me. It was also clear that Alex had a boner, well maybe not a full boner but definitely a half-chub.
ALEX [Bro]:
Oh yeah, I had a chub all right. Erin’s boob grazed my elbow, what am I supposed to do, not get a chub? Get real! Once the blood starts circulating it’s impossible to stop. It’s like one of those snowmaking machines; it takes a bit to shut down.
ERIN [Alex’s girlfriend]:
Yes, Alex had a chubby.
With all three parties back in the room, it was time to make a decision. Chad, possibly because of his impending bowel movement took the lead.
CHAD [Bro]:
I said, “Hey bro, I’m not trying to be gross but I’m about to clog your toilet. Like, for real. You’re going to think someone tried to flush a brick down that thing except a brick doesn’t smell like a raccoon that got hit by a dump truck and then lit on fire.”
ERIN [Alex’s girlfriend]:
A simple, “I’m ready to order now” would have done, but sure, Chad, let’s hear about all the possibly ways your gross stomach is going to fuck up Alex’s bathroom.
ALEX [Bro]:
Seriously, thanks for the novel about your unhealthy shitting habits, Chad. I’m real pumped to eat now.
ERIN [Alex’ girlfriend]:
Still it was clear they needed to eat. So I made what I thought was a totally innocent suggestion and said “What about that new pizza place downtown?”
ALEX [Homeowner]:
My mind was blown. Pizza! Yes of course! Why didn’t I think of this before? You can have one slice or two or even three. What a great food to share.
CHAD [Bro]:
Maybe it was because I was trying to hold in a baby turtle or maybe I was just distracted by Alex’s half-hard penis, but I never even thought of pizza. When Erin suggested it I was so thankful.
Alex called and ordered one large pepperoni pizza. It was delivered a half hour later and the rest was history.
Chad did in fact go on to clog Alex’s toilet. The smell was so bad they were forced to eat on the front steps of the house.
Alex had a chubby for most of the afternoon as Erin kept inadvertently grazing her chest against various parts of his body including but not limited to his shoulder, his elbow and even the back of his hand.
Erin for her part did end up having a slice later in the day because pizza is great like that you know?
This event changed absolutely no one’s lives, but it’s still a story worth telling. Or maybe not. But it was just told, so there you have it.
Have a totally ordinary story you want turned into an oral history? Tweet at @MCamerlengo.