Orlando Bloom Really Wants to Fuck Taylor Swift
Hollywood hunks! They’re just like us! They develop intractable crushes which prevent them from functioning like normal human beings. And they get brutally friend-zoned by multi-millionaire pop country singers.
Happened to me just yesterday.
Orlando Bloom, he of banging Miranda Kerr fame, has his newly-single sights set on something richer and taller but no less gangly. Taylor Swift. And Tay? Tay say no way. From the last bastion of respectable journalism in the CLICK THIS NOT THAT world of 2014, The National Enquirer:
“Orlando has been bombarding Taylor with text messages and phone calls, begging her for a date. But she’s been playing hard to get. She’s flattered because she thinks Orlando is so sexy and, in normal circumstances, she would leap at the chance.”
Orlando! Not Bro. Not Bro at all. Chill. No woman should ever use the phrase ‘bombard’ to describe her interactions with you. (Unless you are bombarding her with the D in bed. Up top.)
So why won’t Taylor let a relationship… Bloom? Well, high school, basically.
“But Taylor is concerned that dating Orlando would destroy her friendships with Selena Gomez and Miranda Kerr, and is worried about being involved in a rebound romance. She’s looking for a serious relationship. She doesn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. Taylor knows that Selena is nuts about Orlando and wants to have a real relationship with him. Yet all he seems to want to do is ask her about Taylor!”