Ah, first dates. They are about as genuine as an O.J. Simpson testimony. Both parties are typically too petrified to reveal their true twisted selves so they indulge in shallow conversations about careers and upbringings and whether or not hot dogs are sandwiches. The real questions remain unanswered: how many nights of week do you drink to forget? How are you in the sack? Do you like my pet iguana I brought to the bar? These are the hard-hitting questions that often remain unanswered even at the wedding alter.
But, if you want to play the long game or you want your date bar tab to pay future dividends, you gotta give into this pussyfooting song and dance. Redditor TheRealDrogon imagined a different world. He posed the question: What should one never say on a first date?
Here are the answers that will make your skin crawl.
I’d love to invite you back to my place but I think my wife will have gotten home from her chemotherapy treatment by now.
My ex girlfriend used to take me here all the time.
*places hand on her stomach* “Soon this will be plump with my seed.”
You look fat in that.
Just kidding. You look fat in anything!
“She’ll have the salad.”
Your boobs are pretty small for a fat chick.
Look, I’m all for gender equality, as long as women know their place.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Do you have any cash on you? The feds seized my assets again.
Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
… and that’s the reason why Jinx is on my Top 3 of f*ckable Pokemons!
To get some more tips on convo starters for your first date, head on over to the full thread on Reddit.