Picking out the right Christmas present – sorry, Holiday present – is a pain in the ass, especially as you get older and can’t get away with giving your parents mutant ashtrays you made in shop-class or your girlfriend a coupon book for free sex anymore.
But luckily for you, it’s not hopeless. That’s because I’m going to make sure that you don’t have to hurt yourself thinking this year. No, I’m going to tell you exactly what to buy for everyone on your list. That way you can just order all of these from Amazon, sit back and get baked while watching Rudolph, the Abominable Snowman, and the rest of the Rankin-Bass gang, which, as we all know, is the real reason for the season.
Mom – Pandora Bracelet
Moms love thoughtful gifts. The worst thing you can do is assume mom wants a practical gift and get a set of new pots and pans or something that basically tells her to get in the kitchen. That’s bad form.
Instead, you should get her something just for her, but also something that makes her feel like you have a special connection. Enter the Pandora Bracelet, which is basically a fancy charm bracelet.
The best part is that this also solves the dilemma of what to get mom on future holidays because you can just buy her a new bead or charm or whatever to add to the bracelet. Special points if you buy a charm that reminds her of something that she loves from your childhood. Is it corny? A little, but that is how you win Christmas and you’re not a loser, are you?
Dad – Mr. Beer Craft Brews Collection Complete Home Brewing Kit
Dads, on the other hand, tend to go for gifts that are both a little bit more fun and a little bit more practical. The best solution is to buy a gift that lands in both categories, and what better way to have practical fun than by brewing your own beer?
The Mr. Beer Craft Brews Kit even comes with a goddamn keg because if you’re gonna brew your own beer, you might as well go big or go home. This is America, after all.
Of course, there is always the danger that your dad will end up unleashing some vile concoction that you’ll be forced to drink for the next 20 years because everyone is too embarrassed to tell him that his brew sucks, but at least you’ll get drunk, and what more can you ask for over the holidays?
Grandpa – Band Of Brothers On Blu-Ray
Look, Grandpas love nothing more than getting weepy about the exploits of The Greatest Generation, and there’s no better way to indulge them than by popping Band of Brothers, HBO’s miniseries about American GI’s fucking up Nazis, into the Blu-ray player all day long and letting Grandpa get all worked up about Hitler. It beats sitting around and waiting for him to get worked up about whatever hilariously un-PC craziness is rattling around in his cobweb-addled brain.
Grandma – Heart Pendant Necklace
This heart-shaped sterling silver pendant comes complete with one of those corny messages that grandmas love so much. She’ll be delighted to wear this little pendant from her loving grandson and keep it close to her own heart year-round. You might even get laid! Sorry.
Kids – Sick Science Fizz Pop Boom Science Kit
Look, nobody wants to be the nerdy uncle who gets educational shit for his nieces and nephews while everyone else gets them Transformer Pokemon He-Men or whatever the hell kids are into these days, but the Sick Science Fizz Boom Pop Science Kit is actually ranked number one this year on Amazon’s list of kids gift ideas according to kids.
That last part is very important. According to kids. That means your little niece or nephew actually wants the nerdy science shit. Sure, it’s probably just because they want to learn how to simulate diarrhea so they can prank their teachers, but what the hell, at least it’s a start. The USA is getting back to education. Eat it, Japan.
Brother – Cards Against Humanity
This is the perfect gift if you or your brother is an awful person. And if not, after a few games of Cards Against Humanity, you both will be. It’s basically a card game that encourages you to be as offensive as possible.
This is perfect for your brother because it’s fun and it’s something you can do together. Bond in your shared awfulness. Appall your father, worry your mother. Together. That is what true brotherhood is all about.
Sister – Jane Austen: Seven Novels
The trick to any good gift – for anyone – is to know what that person is into. I don’t know what your sister is into, but if she’s anything like my sister, she’s really, really into Jane Austen.
Jane Austen: Seven Novels is a collection of Jane Austen’s complete works, all in one big-ass book. You might think this is maybe a little too clichéd, and maybe it is, but Jane Austen has a weird sway over sisters of all kinds. Still, if Jane Austen isn’t her thing, find out what author she adores and get that instead. This isn’t hard.
Your Bro – BACtrack Keychain Breathalyzer
If you’re reading this, you know there’s a difference between your brother and your bro. This is BroBible after all. And while your bro probably isn’t expecting you to go all out for Christmas – that would be weird – it’s still cool to get him a little something.
I suggest the BACtrack Keychain Breathalyzer because, honestly, I can’t think of a more useful or thoughtful gift between bros. And who knows, it might end up saving both of your lives someday. Or at least the cost and shame of getting a DUI.
Girlfriend – Plan Something Special
There’s not going to be a link here, and that’s because your gift for your girlfriend should transcend retail.
Look, I know you just rolled your eyes at that, but this is how you win the goddamn game. Instead of a cold, impersonal – and expensive – piece of jewelry, plan a weekend getaway together, just the two of you. Maybe make a concert of her favorite singer or group the centerpiece of the weekend. Shit, buy her a kitten to “raise” together. Go over the top with this and show her how much you care. Just don’t do all of this if you’ve been dating for, like, two weeks or something. That would be stalkerish.
If you’re already married, do the same sort of thing, but tweak it a bit. Instead of a shared weekend, full of laughter and love, book her a spa weekend, so she can relax on her own and be pampered without having to deal with your bullshit for a change.
Okay, fine, one link: if you are caught in that weird place between “just started dating” and “serious relationship” and don’t want to come on way too strong, just get her a Birthstone Pendant, which is personal, but not too personal, and shows that you care – or at least know when her birthday is. It’s classy without being overly-expensive, and if you do get really serious one day, next Christmas you can always buy her a second stone for her necklace – your birthstone – to go next to hers. It’s a gift that keeps on giving. Sort of like Herpes. Hopefully, she likes this one better.
Gifts image by Shutterstock