We Bought Powerball Tickets Just Like Every Other Sucker — Here’s The First Thing Each Of Us Would Do If We Win

by 2 years ago

Powerball Tickets BroBible

At this point, everyone should be buying Powerball tickets. Even if you’re one of those “you’ve got a better chance of…” people or if you’re broke or if you think gambling is a sin on par with punching baby Jesus in the yam bag. Every America should buy at least one ticket just to fit in.

The editors here all chipped in to buy tickets for the last drawing (spoiler — no monies) and did it again for the upcoming drawing. We’ve all sharing our “if we win” masturbatory dreams with one another and thought it would be interesting to readers.

Here’s what each BroBible editor and writer would do if we all somehow won $1.4 billion dollars on Powerball…

Me: I’ve had a novel (or several) brewing inside for years. I’d get a place in the middle of nowhere and get it all out on paper. It will probably be a dumpster fire on paper, but who fucking cares, I’m rich and I’ll just publish it myself. The money would be awesome but the true pleasure would come from imagining myself waking up every morning and not having to do a fucking thing all day.

Brandon Wenerd: “Fantasy: I’d build a boat that’s a replica of Steve Zissou’s ship, The Belafonte, in The Life Aquatic and live out my days in a red hat going from port to port. Reality: I would never miss a Phish show again and would also buy a condo in Vegas, but really only use it a couple times a year so it’s mostly just an Air BnB investment.”

Cass Anderson: “I’d buy this island and a boat that I could take across oceans, a “mother ship”, and one that’d hold a smaller fishing vessel on the top deck, and I’d just follow the best fishing with the changing of the seasons. I’d go to Central America, the Pacific, Hawaii, Australia, Africa, the Atlantic, the Caribbean and then back through the Panama Canal and start over again.”

Matt Birl: I’d buy a house in Barcelona, a private jet, and two courtside seats adjacent to Drake at every game he attends just so I can say “Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman” in front of him so many times he has no choice but to accept me into his crew. Realistically, I’d probably pay off my parents mortgage, invest modestly, fund my close friends with any legitimate business start-ups, find a super cozy home somewhere in the Northeast on a golf course, take my bros on an epic surf trip each year, and make a serious run at medical school because I think being either a chief cardiac surgeon or a world-renowned epidemiologist would be totally bad ass.”

Nick Dimengo: “Three things: Buy a sports team, throw one massive party with friends & family and buy season tickets to EVERY Cavs home game until LeBron retires.”

Douglas Charles: “I’d move, buy a house, and pay for my kids college tuition. As for any big money items, I’d probably buy the most badass car I could find. Actually I might do some auto racing. In fact I think I would buy a race car and hire a crew. I would also hire Dean Strang as my lawyer and a personal chef.”

David Covucci: “A part of me really doesn’t want a lot of money. I’d probably just get a really nice place in New York. I really think I’d just buy better groceries.”

J.Camm: “I’d buy houses in Florida and Maui, a golf course, and take care of everyone in my immediate family. I would hire someone to wash my hair, like when you get a hair cut, because that is fucking relaxing. I would also never go on the Internet again. Unless, of course, I needed to log into one of my MANY paid porn subscriptions. Because I pay for porn now. Millionaire Jason is frivolous like that.”

Tim Ryan: “I would probably cry for a couple hours out of sheer joy, hire a personal chauffeur, a personal chef, buy a massive penthouse in Manhattan, a vacation house in some exotic location, and NEVER, EVER take public transportation again. That last part is crucial. I am worse than Larry David in situations like that.”

Matt Keohan: “I would soundly invest the money in a portfolio that’s diversified between blue-chip stocks and investment grade bonds. I would set up a trust for my future children that would allow them enough money to pursue their dreams, but not enough to coast on them. I would hire a personal chef to prepare just organic, gluten-free, grass-fed, non-GMO lean proteins. Just kidding, I would probably just make a donation to my high school to have the gym named after me and orchestrate a jersey retirement ceremony even though I was no more than a role player.”

Rebecca Martinson: “I really don’t know. I would probably just use my money to take whatever Matt Keohan is doing with his money and fuck it up.”

Wish us luck.


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