The 2014 World Cup starts tomorrow, and like many of my fellow Americans, I know absolutely dick about soccer. In fact, I didn’t even get to play youth soccer growing up because my dad insisted that “soccer is for people who can’t play baseball.” Well, pops, since I’m writing this from my one-bedroom shithole and not the New York Mets’ team hotel, you owe me roughly five participation medals and 2,000 orange slices.
Anyway, I’ve got this problem now where I like to bet on big sporting events but I don’t know a thing about this tournament. Actually, I shouldn’t say that – I know that Brazil = awesome, USA = meh, and Iran = horrible. But beyond that? I don’t know my Ronaldos from my Hidalgos. So what am I supposed to do, just not bet it? Not betting on things just because you don’t know a thing about them is the coward’s way out. No, what you obviously do is develop your own terrible system to justify your asinine predictions. So with that in mind, I bring you my predictions for the 2014 World Cup, based solely on the hotness of the hottest girl from each participating country. Don’t bet your mortgage on these, but don’t not bet your rent either.
Group A (Female Representative in Parentheses, Italicized Teams Move On)
Brazil (Adriana Lima)
Croatia (Lana Obad)
Mexico (Salma Hayek)
Cameroon (Mingana Fochire Danielle Frankie)
Brazil is a huge favorite in this group, and rightfully so. They’re the host country and have an absolutely stacked roster in every single one of Adriana Lima’s body parts. They say she’s been wearing down as she’s entered her early thirties, but Google Images tells me otherwise. Brazil wins this group pretty easily. For the second team coming out of Group A, you’ve got to look at Mexico and Croatia (sorry Cameroon girl whose name I totally didn’t make up) as contenders. Lana Obad is a 26-year-old Croatian Miss Universe who I definitely would put the toilet seat down for, but pundits are saying that Salma Hayek’s breasts may be the single best offensive weapons in the entire tournament. Despite every championship game ever telling us otherwise, offense > defense, so Mexico moves on.
Group B
Spain (Penelope Cruz)
Netherlands (Doutzen Kroes)
Chile (Gabriela Barros)
Australia (Nicky Whelan)
In real life, Spain is the heavy favorite favorite in this group, having won the 2010 World Cup and coming in as the top-ranked soccer team in the world. On the flip side, Australia’s soccer team is terrible and is an extreme longshot to even get a point in this World Cup. Welp, not anymore! Australia is now one of the favorites in this competition with Nicky Whelan running the show, while Penelope Cruz is just a poor man’s Salma Hayek.
Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes leads Netherlands as the other team to make it out of Group B.
Group C
Colombia (Sofia Vergara)
Greece (Georgia Salpa)
Ivory Coast (Nina Keita)
Japan (Asa Akira)
Really tough group here. For starters, Colombia had the hardest road to qualify for this competition as Sofia Vergara barely edged Shakira for a spot in this tournament. You know how many Shakira ass GIFs she had to beat to get here? Like 80 ass GIFs. Colombia wins a stacked group and moves on.
Greece and Japan both have really good teams as well. Greece has model Georgia Salpa, who I ranked #15 in my Hottest 50 Instagram Accounts of 2013 article. Japan has porn phenom Asa Akira, who I blew well more than 15 loads to in 2013. In an absolute slugfest, Greece narrowly edges Japan and moves on to the second round.
Group D
Uruguay (Johana Riva)
Costa Rica (Jarlyn Arias)
England (Kate Beckinsale)
Italy (Melissa Satta)
Another very strong group here, perhaps the strongest in both real life and this tournament, not a weak link in the bunch. Because of the equal talent here, I think experience will be a deciding factor in this group, and nobody has more experience being hot than Kate Beckinsale. She’s been hot for like 20 years now, and she’ll be hot for another 20 after this. England wins this group.
It’s honestly a three-girl tossup from there. Johana Riva is Miss Uruguay 2014 and I think she’s out to prove something and may just want this a little more than the other two. Uruguay squeaks into the second round.
Group E
Switzerland (Katherine Heigl)
Ecuador (Adriana Sanchez)
France (Clara Morgane)
Honduras (Satcha Pretto)
We follow the Group of Death with the Group of Relatively Mediocre Women. Ecuador’s Adriana Sanchez is no slouch, though, and wins this group in a landslide.
Switzerland had a really tough time even qualifying for this tournament, as every time you Google “hottest Swiss women” it gives you Swedish chicks instead, so they sent Katherine Heigl by default. The refs, AKA me, hate Katherine Heigl so she’s looking at an early exit here at the expense of Honduras TV personality Satcha Pretto.
Group F
Argentina (Luli Fernandez)
Bosnia-Herzegovina (Erna Palic)
Iran (Nadia Bjorlin)
Nigeria (Niyola)
Portugal (Brooke Burke)
Ghana (Joselyn Dumas)
USA (Emily Ratajkowski)
There was a lot of controversy surrounding this group in the qualifying stages, as some questioned whether or not Portugal and the USA sent representatives that were even from their respective countries. Upon further FIFA review, it was deemed that Brooke Burke is “kinda” Portuguese and Emily Ratajkowski is “basically” American, so the two are allowed to compete.I know two things about America – One, our soccer team stands a chance as long as Landon Donovan is still playing (too soon?), and two, we have a seemingly unlimited arsenal of absurdly hot women. EmRata leads this arsenal and puts the USA into the second round. I’m a huge National Treasure fan, so Diane Kruger is basically my girlfriend, but I was an even bigger Wild On E! fan. Despite this being the golden age for free internet porn, I think Brooke Burke is still the girl I’ve had imaginary sex with the most times. Portugal edges Germany and moves on.
Group H
Belgium (Sylvie de Caluwe)
Algeria (Rym Amari)
Russia (Natalia Belova)
South Korea (Lee Hyon)
The last group of the first round lacks the star power of some of the other groups, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. Belgium’s Sylvie de Caluwe wins the group because she’s hot as fuck, while Russia’s Natalia Belova rides the momentum of having taken down Irina Shayk in the qualifying stages.
Second Round
Brazil (Adriana Lima) over Netherlands (Doutzen Kroes)
Heavyweight matchup to start the second round here as two of the most famous Victoria’s Secrets models in the world square off. Not only are the Netherlands playing this game in enemy territory, playing against Adriana Lima is like playing a man down. The host team stays alive and moves into the quarterfinals.
Colombia (Sofia Vergara) over Uruguay (Johana Riva)
Uruguay will not be able to improve on their Semifinals performance from the 2010 World Cup, as Sofia Vergara and Colombia continue to rip through this tournament.
Ecuador (Adriana Sanchez) over Iran (Nadia Bjorlin)
A lot of people are picking an upset here, saying Iran has some serious sleeper potential if Nadia’s eyes can catch fire. But then I look at Adriana Sanchez for the 40th time and realize they don’t have much of a chance.
USA (Emily Ratajkowski) over Russia (Natalia Belova)
In what experts are calling the biggest matchup between the two nations since Rocky Balboa defeated Ivan Drago in 1985, Emily Ratajkowski follows Rocky’s lead and knocks out Belova, and then gives a really emotional speech afterwards letting us know that “if SHE can change, and YOU’S can change, EVERYBODY can change!”
Australia (Nicky Whelan) over Mexico (Salma Hayek)
This Mexican team has a ton of experience, but at age 47, there’s only so much Salma Hayek can do against the fresh legs (and tits, and ass) of Nicky Whelan. Australia lands a spot in the Quarters.
England (Kate Beckinsale) over Greece (Georgia Salpa)
Probably the toughest matchup to predict of the entire second round. They say Beckinsale has lost a step now that she’s 40, but Georgia Salpa’s all-star season in the Instagram League doesn’t hold much weight here as she’s facing a step up in class. Beckinsale and the veteran English team move on.
Argentina (Luli Fernandez) over Honduras (Satcha Pretto)
If I’m translating these Spanish websites correctly, Luli Fernandez is the love interest of Mick fucking Jagger. If she’s good enough for one of the biggest rockstars of all-time, she’s good enough to make it to the Quarterfinals of my hypothetical tournament.
Belgium (Sylvie de Caluwe) over Portugal (Brooke Burke)
Brooke Burke proving along with Sofia Vergara and Kate Beckinsale that they’ve still got something left in the tank by locking up a spot in the next round.
Quarterfinals
Colombia (Sofia Vergara) over Brazil (Adriana Lima)
Now we’re getting into serious heavy-hitter territory. I know that Lima has the strength of 200,000 Brazilian fans cheering her on in that stadium, but I have a feeling Sofia Vergara loves playing on the road. I could totally see her shoving her rack in everyone’s faces and telling them to go fuck themselves in that brutal to understand but totally sexy accent of hers. Colombia reaches the Semifinals for the first time in their country’s history.
USA (Emily Ratajkowski) over Ecuador (Adriana Sanchez)
I think Ecuador gets an early lead in this one, but then they play the “Blurred Lines” unrated video on the stadium jumbotron at halftime and the Americans dominate the second half.
Australia (Nicky Whelan) over England (Kate Beckinsale)
Beckinsale isn’t ready to give up the crown, but sometimes in sports and in life, someone comes along that is just faster, stronger, and better than you are. Australia may have the worst offense in all of the World Cup, but here they’ve got an offense that consists of Nicky Whelan whipping out her tits and telling Owen Wilson to cheat on his wife with her. England has no defense for that.
Argentina (Luli Fernandez) over Portugal (Brooke Burke)
Beckinsale isn’t ready to give up the crown, but sometimes in sports and in life, someone comes along that is just faster, stronger, and better than you are. Australia may have the worst offense in all of the World Cup, but here they’ve got an offense that consists of Nicky Whelan whipping out her tits and telling Owen Wilson to cheat on his wife with her. England has no defense for that.
USA (Emily Ratajkowski) over Columbia
Experience versus youth. Latina versus girl born in Britain but lived in the US her whole life. TV versus Instagram. I can break down the game film on this matchup for hours. I’m serious, I literally just did it. I feel like a pervert Ron Jaworski.Often times in sports you’ll see a passing of the torch. It happened when Magic’s Lakers beat the Celtics in the finals for the first time. The same thing happened when Jordan’s Bulls beat the Pistons. And the same thing will happen when USA’s Emily Ratajkowski takes down Colombia’s Sofia Vergara. Sofia had a great run, but Emily’s time is now. Which is unfortunate for Sofia because Pablo Escobar will almost certainly have her killed the second she gets back to Colombia. USA moves on to the finals and Sofia Vergara gets murdered.
Australia (Nicky Whelan) over Argentina (Luli Fernandez)