Queens Guy Needs a Roommate, Posts Disturbingly Awful Craigslist Description

by 5 years ago

Writing the ad is also tough. This Queens Bro took a, well, unique approach.

HOLY SH*T, You are looking for a roommate? What are the odds of that sh*t, because I need a roommate!

I know what you are thinking, New York is too damn expensive to live alone. Well my friend you are preaching to the goddamn choir. So now you are stuck looking around Craigslist trying to figure out if a $600/month apartment is a scam. Well let me save you the trouble asshole… it is. Seriously that ad isn't even in English.

Let me tell you a little bit about how awesome I am:

Name: Jon (spelled the same way as Jon Stewart who is F*CKING HILARIOUS)

Gender: Male (in case you thought I was one of those rich kid whose parents named them something that is gender ambiguous – I'm looking at you Jordan and Taylor)

Age: 25 (That's a goddamn quarter of a century in wisdom… I could bullsh*t with you for hours about philosophy by Play-Doh or Sohcahtoa)

Job: Advertising. See how good I am? You want to live with me because you are forwarding this ad to your friends saying Jesus this kid is FUNNY AS F*CK. Back to advertising – not like Don Draper sh*t, I don't have that many suits, or smoke cigars, but I can drink like a fish. Also, I am nasty at Excel… girls are like, “Hey Jon did you design that dashboard using =INDEX(MATCH formulas instead of =VLOOKUP to improve performance?” and I will reply,”You bet your SUMIF-loving ass I did!”

Hobbies: Computer sh*t – I can be nerdy as f*ck or go out to the bars drinking beer and trying to schmooze with women way out of my league. I'm just kidding. No women are out of my league. Except maybe Mila Kunis. That scene in Black Swan was the SH*T! I also brew my own beer. WHAT? I know what you are thinking, “I want to learn how to brew beer.” Well act now mother*cker here is your goddamn chance to be the next Sam F*ckin Adams!

Cats/Dogs: Sorry can't swing that sh*t, I am allergic to cats, a dog ate my baby brother (RIP). In the dogs defense my brother always smelled like bacon. Oh yeah and the landlord doesn't allow pets.

Now lets talk about the location of this palace (NOT A TYPO IT'S A GODDAMN PALACE.. You will be like, “Damn where is Aladdin up in this Motherf*cka.”):

The location is so off the hook my friends refer to the apartment as the dial tone (like that pun? Cause I f*ckin did). It's on 28th Ave and 38th street in Astoria Queens. It is only a short walk from the NQ or the R trains. So when the NQ breaks down, people on that line are F*CKED. You on the other hand, just walk to the R and make it to work fast as hell.

How fast you ask?

Well I work near Madison Square Garden and get off at Times Square. I leave for work at 9:10 and get there at around 9:50. Now if you are one of those Manhattan only types who “Never leave the island.” F*ck You. Seriously. We will get to work faster, pay a ton less, get more space, and enjoy some wide-ass sidewalks that tourist aren't all pulling out maps in front of you and shit*. Also the NQ runs in safe ass neighborhoods. Have I fallen asleep on the train? Sure. Who the f*ck hasn't? How many times did I get robbed? Zero.

What else is near our apartment?

The Irish Rover. You like darts? Old Irish men to bullsh*t with? The mattress salesman who works down the street at Sleepy's? Well then you will have your mind F*CKING BLOWN.

There are also laundromats, grocery stores, outdoor cafes (you feel like you are in another damn country) NYSC etc. Steinway and 30th Ave are commercial streets and you are a block away from the goddamn crossroads. OH SH*T they also have this bomb ass taco truck. You want a pork nacho platter at 4am? Hell yes you do.

Now let's talk about the apartment itself

First off its railroad style, with our bedrooms at complete opposite ends… What does this mean? You could be loud as sh*t with your girlfriend and I wouldn't hear a f*ckin thing (2 puns WHATUP). We are so far apart I used to call my old roommate on his cell phone cause I was watching Arrested Development in my bedroom and I didn't want to miss all the hilarious sh*t Tobias would say.

We are on the 4th floor of a walk up… I know that sh*t is rough but now my ass looks amazing. Girls are like where did you get those buns? and I would say my apartment want to see? and they WOULD ALWAYS SAY YES.

Did I mention we have roof access? Well I must be stupid as sh*t to mention that all the way down here. Ask me what I did the 4th of July. Oh great question, you inquisitive mother f*cker. I set a kiddie pool up on the roof, brought up the boombox and had a rooftop party (Pic Below). Sh*t was so ill everyone asked if they could live with me but I said no… I am waiting for my Craigslist friend (YOU) to come through. (Don't disappoint me now).
What I am looking for:

A roommate who is down with:
– A little mess (NOT DIRTY, just if you leave sh*t lying around you aren't going to go all ape sh*t)
– Mario Kart 64 (If you take Bowser you better find yourself a different f*ckin apartment)
– Isn't awkward as sh*t
– Doesn't use YOLO or finds the need to tweet some bullsh*t they find funny like cat pics
– Has common courtesy
– Isn't a stick in the mud
– Don't use the word literally every other word
– Can move in anytime in September (I pro-rate like a mothaf*cka)

So are you going to be my roommate? Shoot me a message and we will meet up at a bar before I show you my apartment. Also, I'll send legit pics of the place when my roommate moves all his boxes out cause it looks like sh*t now. (He is moving closer to his work, not because I suck). Seriously do it… This isn't a game … Motherf*cker.

Another thing, I might move out in a couple months, in which case your friends can move in and you don't have to pay a broker's fee… HOW BOUT DEM APPLES?

**Editors note: My friends say it comes off as a tad aggressive, frat-like and too many curses. None of these are accurate depictions of myself and I am just going for the comedy angle….Asshole.

Oh, yeah. Should find someone in no time. What a charming personality.


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