No one wants to talk about impotence. I get it. But according to experts, 52% of all men will experience impotence (bonerus interruptus) at some point, and around 25% of bros under 40 have to deal with this, so… yeah, there are a lot of you out there suffering in silence.
But your dick doesn’t just say, “screw you guys, I’m going home,” for no reason at all. There’s something actually causing it besides God hating you. That’s actually good news, because it means that if you can identify the cause, you should be able to do something about it. And because I care, I’m here to help you out. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
You’re Too Fat
There’s an elephant in the room… and it’s you. Sorry, couldn’t resist. But really, this is something you need to deal with. Now, I’m not talking about a few extra pounds. I’m talking about the sort of fat that leads to all sorts of health issues: heart disease, diabetes, and a host of circulatory related diseases and issues. It makes sense. You get boners because blood rushes to your dong (forgive the scientific language, please) and if you’re having circulatory issues, that’s probably going to be a problem.
Obviously, the solution here is to lose weight. Sure, your doctor has been pleading with you for years, explaining that your very life is at stake, but that hasn’t worked, so I’ll appeal to something even more important: the life of your penis is at stake here, bros. The life of your penis.
You Won’t Stop Masturbating
Look, I’m not saying you have to stop jerking-off. That would be madness. What we need to talk about here, though, is over-masturbation. Yeah, you can actually do that.
Think of it like this. You like to party, right? You like to go out and have some drinks with your bros and get after it. That’s fun, but the more fun you have, the tougher is it to get up in the morning. And if you just keep doing it and keep doing it with no break, eventually one morning you’re not going to want to get up at all. You’re just going to lay there, feeling like death. See where I’m going with this? You keep beating-off with no break and one day your penis is just going to lay in bed all day, hiding under the covers.
All you’ve gotta do is pace yourself, bros. Just listen to your body. Listen to your penis. He’ll tell you when it’s time to chill. There are no hard (sorry…) rules here. I can’t tell you how much is too much for you. That’s between you and your peen.
You’re Too Stressed Out
Sometimes, you can do everything right physically, but your penis still decides to tell you “Fuck it, I quit.” This is incredibly frustrating. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem.
When this happens, you need to take a step back and try to figure out what’s bothering you. I know this one kind of sucks because it’s pretty ambiguous, but I also know that it’s probably difficult to truly rise to the occasion when you’re too busy worrying about whether or not your boss will go for your latest proposal, or about how you’re going to pay the rent after blowing all your money on this lady you’re futilely trying to bone.
The only solution here is to find a way to relax, to learn how to separate the stresses of everyday life from the needs of your dong. This isn’t easy. I mean, I get it. I know how annoying it is when people tell you to just relax and stop stressing out about stuff. Maybe find someone to talk to. I hear they have professionals for that sort of thing. Therapists, hookers… it’s all basically the same.
You’re Worried You Won’t be Good Enough
Ah yes, the dreaded “performance anxiety.” The good news is that this is entirely in your head. The bad news is, well, that it’s entirely in your head.
That means that it can be difficult to deal with. Look, to be honest, the best thing you can do here is to not think about it too much. Overthinking is the death of a boner. There’s a reason all your blood is down there instead of in your brain. The best way to deal with performance anxiety is to refuse to head down that road to begin with. I know, I know, easier said than done, but look, bro, a naked lady! Problem solved.
You’re Too Drugged Up
Basically anything that you put into your body can cause your boners to fluctuate between “dried out slug waiting to die” and “Jesus Christ, it’s been hours and that thing won’t go away, we need to get you to a hospital!”
Of course, we’re not worried about Viagra and the 4-hour miracle hospital boner here. We’re worried about the dried out slug waiting to die. And unfortunately, the vast majority of drugs tend to fall into this sad category.
There are, of course, the usual culprits – smoking screws with your circulatory system and we all know about whiskey dick – but some, uh, let’s call them boring, meds can be even more devastating. Among these are diuretics taken for high blood pressure, antidepressants, antihistamines like Benadryl, certain over-the-counter anti-inflammatories like Naproxen Sodium, aka Aleve, and muscle relaxants, which, duh.
Anyway, there’s not much you can do if you really need these drugs, but what I would suggest is talking to your doctor about alternatives. Switch to Ibuprofen instead of Naproxen, for example. Find something that both your penis and the rest of your body can enjoy in beautiful harmony. After all, what good is an antidepressant if your dick won’t even work?
You’re Just Too Damn Old
Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a good rule of thumb is that, on average, for every decade of life 10% of bros start having problems with impotence. This means that 30% of dudes in their 30s are afflicted with this terrible malady, 40% of dudes in their 40s, 50% in their 50s and so on and so on. Weep for your 100 year old great-grandfather.
This is mostly because of low testosterone, which decreases the older you get. Of course, Low T can strike anyone at any age, and if this happens to you, the good news is that they can hit you up with testosterone and get you going again. And if it’s just a mild case, you might be able to boost your T naturally through diet and exercise.
Of course, you might just be getting too damn old, in which case it’s either Viagra or, uh, waiting to die, I guess. After all, your penis already beat you to it. Man, that got dark in a hurry, didn’t it?
You Have a Serious Disease
Speaking of dark…
Look, you probably have bigger problems to deal with here than dead dick syndrome, but if you’ve got Parkinson’s or Multiple Sclerosis or any sort of disease that causes your entire body to basically shut down on you then, yes, your penis is probably going to be a part of it.
There is one particular disease I want to talk about, though. It won’t be easy, but you need to hear it. It’s called Peyronie’s Disease. Basically, what happens is that your dick develops scar tissue internally (Oh Jesus…) which causes your dong to bend or curve in weird directions when you get a boner. Now instead of when, I should say “if”, because chances are you won’t be getting any kind of boner because, well, it tends to hurt when your penis starts bending in unnatural directions.
The good news is that Peyronie’s Disease can be treated, even in severe cases. The bad news is that these severe cases sometimes require surgery. On your dick.
The bottom line is that you should never take your penis for granted. If you can fix the problem, then for god’s sake, fix it. Be the change you want to see in the world. Do it for broken down penises everywhere.
Man in bed image by Shutterstock